Posted by: So afraid so sorry | 2009-08-26


Hi there,

I met my partner a year ago over the internet. In April this year I moved to the town where he lives leaving behind my family and friends (something I had never done) to be with him. T the same time I decided to stop taking my anti depressants and started a new job. We did not move in together and I moved into an apartment. He was taking a lot of strain at work and was moody often
I started a new job and at work someone was giving my a lot of attention and support when my partner wasn’ t really.We started spending a lot of time together and eventually we kissed. I then left my partner and ended up sleeping with this guy in a drunken stupor the following day. He then said he did not want to complicate his life and I realised he did not want a relationship and he then went back to his ex who he had recently left. I felt too guilty to even speak to my partner (ex) and just kept pushing him away thinking that I did not deserve him after what I had done. Then a couple of weeks later stupidly I drank too much again (incidentally - I don' t usually drink at all) and this guy drive me home and we ende up sleeping together again while he was with his girlfriend. I stupidly thought he cared and stupidly thought I was in love with him but after that night I realised what was going on. 2 weeks later my baby sister came to visit and she insisted we spend time with my ex as they get along really wekk and we just really reconnected and a week later we decided to try again. I did not tell him everything only that I had a stupid drunken one night stand. In the time we were apart he was dating and also had a brief relationship. We have now been back together for just over 3 months and things are heavenly - more so than they have ever been and I really think they break up did us a world of good but I am struggling with enormous feelins of guilt because of what I did and because I did not tell him everything. - Please could you tell me what to do or where to start. I' m terrified of losing what we have.

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Our expert says:
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I can understand how hopeful you felt at the time, but you took a bold and risky step, moving away from all your usual social supports to a new place, with someone you actually knew rather little, as we don't really know most of the people we meet on the internet. It was doubly uinwise to stop taking your antidepressants at a time of such change --- it's always best to do so only on the advice of your shrink and at a calm and stable time in your life.
It sounds as though many aspects of your life at that time b ecame increasingly risky. We indeed can do stupid things qwhen very drunk, and most of us cope by choosing to take care not to become so drunk. And of course the drinking wouldn't help depression at all. You seem to have been sadly eager to believe that other men, who you actally knew very little about, were and would be genuinely caring.
Anhow, the important thing now is NOT to whip yourself with lashings of guilt, but to learn from the errors, heal the current good relationship, and plan for the futre in a more sensible and secure way. Maybe some sessions of individual counselling could help you get your own feelings of guilt into proportion and to learn the useful lessons rather than just drawing unhelpful and inaccurate conclusions. And if more is needed, maybe some joint sessions of relationship counselling would then help both of you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just a Reply | 2009-08-27

I don' t think you have to tell him.
My opinion is that you will start a trust issue - and since you' re not planning on doing it again, why have someone not trust you at all, or even lose what you have.
It is one of the things you must deal with on your own.

That is my opinion - and probally not the right one, but I just feel that when 2 people is not together, what happens does not have to be explained to the other person.

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