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Question
Posted by: Just me | 2012/08/13

Uncertain:follow up!

He resigned at his job to come and do some courses,to have something behind his name.He has no formal Qualifications besides what his doing now,and im all for it,i encouraged him to do it!His not long at home,its now 3 mnths!So,i cant think that he can be depressed already,and he is still busy with the courses!

He wants silence when he is watching TV,like the news or a story!Im used to doing my stuff while the kids are playing,i read the " onderskrifte" ,so im follwing anyway,dont have to hear it!
We have been to counselling 3 years ago about his anger issues.I didnt feel great about it,cause the women implied that i instagate his anger!!!!!!!Where as i feel that it stems from his childhood.He never forgave his father for cheating on his mom,and the divorce when he was 7 years old!His mom always cried on his shoulder when her life doesnt seem to go her way,he is an only child.She is better now,since he spoke to her in this regard,but he rarely visits her,and she lives 2 kms from us.I feel quilty for his part for not visiting her,since i visit my parents weekly!
Anyway as i said lots of this stuff happened before he went overseas and you are right in the sence that being apart doesnt solve problems,it just prolongs it!Theres no way he will go for counselling here,we live in a small town,everyone knows him,a few knows me,ha-ha!The thing is i can cope with this,its the children that gets effected by all this.I try my best not to fight with him,and certainly not infront of the kids.And i have a lot of selfcontrol luckily,the days of getting angry is over.Im just in the middle of " i dont know further" .By the way i wrote him a letter about him shouting and getting so angry at the kids.I asked him to be just a DAD to his kids,play with them,read with them,built stuff with them,dont let them be scared of you.As i said it worked for about 2 weeks.I will be thinking about this some more,i usually get an asnwer in the end!i just dont like being uncertain about personal stuff,and sometimes we need and outside opinion!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Wanting silence while h's studying is reasonable, and then work together to plan a way for this. Other people find a library or similar place where they can study, or a room where they can play music while they study. Or listen to music or educational tapes / discs with proper larger noise-cancelling earphones ?
Expecting complete silence while watching TV, when one has chosen to have kids, is unrealistic. Maybe if its not something you'd be watching too, perhaps your setup allows him to listen to the sound of the TV or DVD on headphones, too ?
And your suggestions also makes a lot of sense. If he will devote a generous portion of time to playing with the kids, they can get both tired and satisfied by quality Dad time, and then be more able to respect his request for quiet when he is studying or resting.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/14

Wanting silence while h's studying is reasonable, and then work together to plan a way for this. Other people find a library or similar place where they can study, or a room where they can play music while they study. Or listen to music or educational tapes / discs with proper larger noise-cancelling earphones ?
Expecting complete silence while watching TV, when one has chosen to have kids, is unrealistic. Maybe if its not something you'd be watching too, perhaps your setup allows him to listen to the sound of the TV or DVD on headphones, too ?
And your suggestions also makes a lot of sense. If he will devote a generous portion of time to playing with the kids, they can get both tired and satisfied by quality Dad time, and then be more able to respect his request for quiet when he is studying or resting.

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