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Question
Posted by: Just me | 2012/08/13

Uncertain!

I dont know what to do at the moment,and i suppose i need to talk to some-one for perspective.i cant talk to friends or family,i think they might think im ungratefull and full of nonsence!I cant talk to hubby aswell,cause 99% of the time he just swivels stuff around and say but you do this and iyou do that.
Anyway im 41,nearly married a decade and have 2 kids,one is not in school yet,the other is 7.
My hubby worked overseas for nearly 5 years,and he is back now,if he finds another job closer to home he will travel again,but for shorter periods away from home,thats the ideal,but who knows what gonna happen in future.I stopped working when he started working overseas,i want to be with my kids,i do have a small bussiness im running from home.
Ok,so weve been in a routine for years,and its difficult for me now coping with hubby here.Weve had some problems before he went away,and during,its to do with lying(from him) and trust(from my side).And his got some anger issues aswell!While he was away things calmed down a lot,maybe becasue we werent in each others hair?now,things are difficult again,specailly with dissiplining the kids,he is not used to them around all the time,and gets angry if they are noisy and playing.I leave them casue they are kids first of al,and i cant expect them to sit still or play quietly all the time,they are healthy and good mannered.They just love playing with each other(which is normal) and that involves noise!Ive talked to him,and told him the kids are scared of him,and doesnt want to ask him something,they come to me.i told him he must leave the dissipline to me for the while being,i will ask him for help if i think nessesarily!It lasted about 2 weeks.i shouts back at them,and my poor little girl of 4.5,went numb after him shouting at her in the car while wewere drivingI felt like crying myself!Anyway I feel like its best if he gets a job away again.i know its confusing,and very cryptic.He is looking for a job again,but wasnt sucessfull so far!He is doing a course this week(away),and i feel like my mood has lifted a mile!after all the issues we had in the past,he broke my trust(he did not cheat on me,other stuff),,and i dont feel like i love hom anymore.It feels more like roommates sharing a house and bed!I know he wants it diffirent,but i cant being myself AGAIN to try and make things nice again.casue i feel i lasts only mnths and then startes again.He is an only child of devorced parents,i think a lot of his issues comes from this!Do i make any sence!??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you're a bit too negative about how friends and family would view you if you discussed some of your concerns with them. People who are full of nonsense rarely if ever think that they may be seen as full of nonsense.
Listen and think about some of the things your hisband says about what he thinks you do. Remember that perceptions are highly important, even if ( maybe especially when ) they're not reflecting actual reality. Maybe I'm not at all selfish, for instance, but if people important to me see me as selfish, that has the same impact and may be relevant - what do I do that allows or encourages them to see me in that way ?
Maria, as usual, makes much sense. Long-distance relationships are never easy ( and if they seem easy, you're missing something ). Getting used to being back together is practial but hardly easy.
And as you're finding, problems interrupted ( such as by his absence ) are not problems solved.
He has no real experience before now, of coping with and amicably handling kids at home, and needs to learn, without assuming that he just somehow knows how to do it.
If he's not working just now, one wonders why it is so highly important to him that the children be silent - what is their normal noise interrupting ? Is he perhaps anxious, stresssed, even depressed ? Obviously he's bothered by not so far finding a job ; especially dificult, in some ways, for someone who was used to being in an executive position and being in control.
Isn't marriage counselling an obviously worthwhile investment at this time ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2012/08/13

You make perfect sense. Long distance relationships rarely work, people drift apart and it''s only natural that integrating him back into the family will be very difficult. You are used to doing things a certain way and now you and he need to negotiate how things are going to work. Is he feeling stressed and disempowered by not having a job, and the relationship you have with the kids? I think that therapy is the way to go here so that an independent third party can help you sort out your feelings and strategies. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/13

Maybe you're a bit too negative about how friends and family would view you if you discussed some of your concerns with them. People who are full of nonsense rarely if ever think that they may be seen as full of nonsense.
Listen and think about some of the things your hisband says about what he thinks you do. Remember that perceptions are highly important, even if ( maybe especially when ) they're not reflecting actual reality. Maybe I'm not at all selfish, for instance, but if people important to me see me as selfish, that has the same impact and may be relevant - what do I do that allows or encourages them to see me in that way ?
Maria, as usual, makes much sense. Long-distance relationships are never easy ( and if they seem easy, you're missing something ). Getting used to being back together is practial but hardly easy.
And as you're finding, problems interrupted ( such as by his absence ) are not problems solved.
He has no real experience before now, of coping with and amicably handling kids at home, and needs to learn, without assuming that he just somehow knows how to do it.
If he's not working just now, one wonders why it is so highly important to him that the children be silent - what is their normal noise interrupting ? Is he perhaps anxious, stresssed, even depressed ? Obviously he's bothered by not so far finding a job ; especially dificult, in some ways, for someone who was used to being in an executive position and being in control.
Isn't marriage counselling an obviously worthwhile investment at this time ?

Reply to cybershrink

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