advertisement
Question
Posted by: Need perspective | 2010/07/16

Unappreciated and husband doesn''t get it

I feel very unappreciated by my husband and as if he can only pick on things he doesn''t like about me or what I do. It feels like he rarely realizes the positives about me and what I give for our life together. I''m not asking for a pat on the back for every little thing but just the realization that I''m actually a good contributing partner.

So I came up with the idea that each night we have to tell each other just 2 things we appreciated about the other one that day. It doesn''t need to be huge. Just a small acknowledgement of something, anything! I thought this would help him see some of what I give but it''s been a disaster. He can''t think of anything. Each night he just responds with " I appreciate you for who you are" . If I ask for something specific he gets upset. I’ ve given examples such as I appreciated that he went to work today to look after us or I appreciate that he fed the dog. I mean it’ s not rocket science.

Am I being too sensitive? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. This exercise was suppose to bond us and it''s only made me feel worse and even less recognised. He just doesn''t get it. I’ m hurt and angry and out of ideas.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I onder whether he even recognizes any positive things about himself. Some people grow to have a very negative world-view over-all, and have difficulty noticing what's right and good, and difficulty in responding helpfully to aspects of their life, or that of any others, which are less than perfect. This may fit your observation that even when given an excellent opportunity to recognize good things, he finds it awfully hard.
Maybe it's not rocket science, but it's an ability and skill you obviously have and he doesn't.
If you could persuade him to join you in mariage counselling, he might be able to learn such skills.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Need perspective | 2010/07/18

Thank you cybershrink, you hit the nail on the head. I''ll try and get us to some counseling because he is a great husband otherwise, I just can''t live with all the negativity. It''s dragging me down along with him. I''m trying to help him see the good as well. It''s affecting his mood and work situatiion and I''ve run out of ideas. This was just one exercise I attempted to help him see some positives and it was quite shocking and hurtful for me to see how difficult it was for him.

Sue I think you misunderstood me. Certainly it is kind to say he appreciates me but that was the exact exercise question (What do you appreciate about me today?) It is to help him see positives, yes small things (such as taking the dog for a walk) but he has an honest inability to see things positively. Answering a question with the question subject matter is not an answer. " What do you appreciate about me? You."  Does that seem like an effective exercise to do daily?

However I do agree with your basis that I should be happy with his answers which I would be if there were any. I gave simple examples in order to try and help him give basic answers but he couldn''t even show appreciation for the most basic things. I will and do thank him whenever he does say something but it''s pointless to do the exercise if his answer daily is going to be " I appreciate you" . The point was to help him see specifics. It''s a generic answer for him, when asked why he appreciates me he can t elaborate at all, he''s very good however at pointing out every flaw. I hope I''m being more clear this time. I realize it can sound very mean and one-sided (I just want a pat on the back type of thing) but that is definitely not the case. Have you ever lived wth a person who costantly only points out your flaws? I''m hoestly trying to help him see the good in life too and not just what bothers him.

Reply to Need perspective
Posted by: Sue | 2010/07/18

I understand where your coming from completely from not feeling appreciated. After reading the comments both of you made I laughed. He said: I appreciate who you are. You said: I appreciate that you feed the dog. From that perspective hes comment sounds better. You have to appreciate what he says to you. If you dont like what he appreciates about you and gets angry about it, then dont ask. Seriously start by saying thank you for what he does say and not critise he''s answer. You cant tell him what he has to appreciate about you. Some people find it harder to share, saying thank you will open it more, critise and he will clam up Next time say aaa thank you honey and give him a kiss. That will make him feel good about it.

Reply to Sue
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/18

I onder whether he even recognizes any positive things about himself. Some people grow to have a very negative world-view over-all, and have difficulty noticing what's right and good, and difficulty in responding helpfully to aspects of their life, or that of any others, which are less than perfect. This may fit your observation that even when given an excellent opportunity to recognize good things, he finds it awfully hard.
Maybe it's not rocket science, but it's an ability and skill you obviously have and he doesn't.
If you could persuade him to join you in mariage counselling, he might be able to learn such skills.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement