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Question
Posted by: HSB | 2012/05/10

Unaccetable behaviour

Please help! A while ago, I befriended (on Facebook) a guy I was at school with and he told me (amongst other things) that he was a voyeur in his younger years - I was shocked to say the least!!! I told him that what he did in his younger years was of no interest to me as long as he was not still doing it. He told me that he no longer acted on these voyeuristic tendencies he had as a younger man. He told me a lot about his life and his experiences and why he claims he did it. Now I am experiencing feelings of disgust when I think of what he did, it makes me feel uncomfortable to even chat to him. He also told me that he did things which he could end up in prison for if it ever came out (he did not share the details). I have not had much contact with him lately - in fact, I have distanced myself from him - unfriended him on Facebook etc. I think that my reaction (albeit delayed) to what he told me could have something to do with the fact that I was abused as a young child. Is it normal to have these feelings? I cannot forget what he told me, nor the way it makes me feel. Please advise thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like what you said at first, reflected your intellectual response, but now you're feeling an emotional response. An episode or two of voyeurism as a kid is probably not rare, and doesn't uually lead to any unusual behaviour as an adult. But its odd he felt he needed to tell you about it - I wonder what sort of response he was anticipating ? I'd be more worried about the awful other things he feels he can't tell you about, presumably worse than voyeurism.
Indeed, if you were abused as a child, you might reasonably be more sensitive to similar behaviours by others, especially if the person or people he was peeping at were young girls around the age you were when molested.
You of course have no need to keep up contact with him, and he can hardly be surprised if you didn't appreciate what he told you about, let alone what more he hinted at. OF course he ought to be seeing a psychologist and working through all this stuff, rather than burdening you with it.
I wonder a little about why this continues to remain so important to you, as presumably you now have no need of any further contact with him, and need not be upset by him any further

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Our users say:
Posted by: J. | 2012/05/11

Was he an older man looking at teenage girls, or was he a teenage male looking at or at least trying to get a glimpse of other teenage girls?

Look, I dont know the whole story or the extend of the voyerism etc, but I do know that most boys try their utmost to look up a girl''s skirt any chance they get, and even if we dont admit it, us girls sneak glimpses too. It is healthy curiosity about the opposite sex.

If he was an adult looking at teenage girls, of course it is wrong and of course you shouldnt have contact with him. It speaks to the quality of the man and personally, if that was the case, I wouldnt associate with this individual either. What else do you want to do? Report him for allegations you are not sure of? How are you sure that he wasnt just boasting for your benefit?

I wouldnt make a big scene about this without any real facts, like seeing him personally look at unappropriate pornographic material. Rather look at your own reaction to this, and focus on that. Why has it made you so mad? Make sure that what you want to punish him for is not because of your lasting anger towards what was done to you.

Reply to J.
Posted by: HSB | 2012/05/10

The girls he was peeping at, were teenaged girls, some of which were in our school and friends with his sisters!!!!

Reply to HSB
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/10

Sounds like what you said at first, reflected your intellectual response, but now you're feeling an emotional response. An episode or two of voyeurism as a kid is probably not rare, and doesn't uually lead to any unusual behaviour as an adult. But its odd he felt he needed to tell you about it - I wonder what sort of response he was anticipating ? I'd be more worried about the awful other things he feels he can't tell you about, presumably worse than voyeurism.
Indeed, if you were abused as a child, you might reasonably be more sensitive to similar behaviours by others, especially if the person or people he was peeping at were young girls around the age you were when molested.
You of course have no need to keep up contact with him, and he can hardly be surprised if you didn't appreciate what he told you about, let alone what more he hinted at. OF course he ought to be seeing a psychologist and working through all this stuff, rather than burdening you with it.
I wonder a little about why this continues to remain so important to you, as presumably you now have no need of any further contact with him, and need not be upset by him any further

Reply to cybershrink

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