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Question
Posted by: liezel | 2011/07/06

ultimatum

My bf gave me an
ultimatum last nyt that i either
open up emotionally or we r
done.i was so shocked n hurt
that i cudnt believ how little i
mean 2 him.he said that he''s
feelings 4 me r gettin less bcos
he feels im not committed enuf,i
dnt trust him and so he doesnt
feel being with me is worth it.i
told him il open up wen im
ready n he wouldnt hear of it.he
said i must tell him wat
happened in da past 4 me 2 not
trust so much n didn want 2 say
much then he became
impossible.then he told me wen
im ready i''ll let him know and until
then we not communicating.we''ve been dating for only 3 months and i''m not ready to open up and feel he must just wait.we not having sex because of my religious beliefs of no pre-marital sex and he told me he''ll try his best to wait and if he can''t take it he''ll remember his commitment to wait and let that motivate him.he is 29 and has been having sex all these years so a part of me understands it might be hard.so far he hasn''t put pressure on me but for some reason i keep asking him for reassurance that he''s really committed to waiting.he got really annoyed that i asked him that again and claimed that i don''t trust or believe him and doesn''t get why he has to tell me this everytime like i am hoping that he will change his answer and prove that he was not honest.that is how everything ended up as explained above.i feel he must just wait until i am ready to open up.i find it hard to trust and open up even im my past relationship but my ex was more patient but eventually it caused problems for us.this makes it hard for me to know when i''m at fault or not as i feel justified in not trusting as i don''t want to be hurt .please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Apparently he is assuming that all that might be wrong within this relationship lies within you, and is voluntary, and can be fixed by you deciding to just do things differently, which is unlikely. Your comments suggest that there are indeed some sort of dark secrets within your past which you hesitate to tell him about, so maybe he isn't just being nost, and maybe some discussion of the issues here would be useful - but with the aid of a skilled marriage counsellor.
Your religious views need to be respected, but it sounds as though this matter of "waiting" has become a major issue for both of you. If you keep asking him about this, you can see how annoying and distrustful this would sound to him.
It doesn't sound clear whether you will EVER feel like "opening up" to him, so you are asking him to wait indefinitely for something that might not even hapen. Sounds like you could benefit from some individual counselling, first, to sort out what appear tyo be major issues you have about aspects of your past ; and then some couples counselling to work out what can and can't work between you

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: ... | 2011/07/06

So you honestly believe that a 29 yr old who has tasted how nice sex is will wait until you are married...?You have only dated for 3 months and obviously still have a long way befor marriage lol! So I take it you are a virgin, hence your belief. Well Sisi, there is just no way he is going to wait for you and this " ULTIMATUM"  is disguised anger and frustration for not getting sex from you. He was hoping that you''d changed your mind and manje uyabona ukuthi hhayibo,nakhu sekuphela 3 months. Let me ask, hw do you think he satisfies his sexual urges or you think they hve disappeared. You are right not to trust him coz he is definatelely screwing someone becoz you are waiting for marriage.

Reply to ...
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/06

Apparently he is assuming that all that might be wrong within this relationship lies within you, and is voluntary, and can be fixed by you deciding to just do things differently, which is unlikely. Your comments suggest that there are indeed some sort of dark secrets within your past which you hesitate to tell him about, so maybe he isn't just being nost, and maybe some discussion of the issues here would be useful - but with the aid of a skilled marriage counsellor.
Your religious views need to be respected, but it sounds as though this matter of "waiting" has become a major issue for both of you. If you keep asking him about this, you can see how annoying and distrustful this would sound to him.
It doesn't sound clear whether you will EVER feel like "opening up" to him, so you are asking him to wait indefinitely for something that might not even hapen. Sounds like you could benefit from some individual counselling, first, to sort out what appear tyo be major issues you have about aspects of your past ; and then some couples counselling to work out what can and can't work between you

Reply to cybershrink

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