advertisement
Question
Posted by: Martie | 2010/02/03

Two men

Dear Cyber Shrink

I know you dont approve of more than one partner, but I would appreciate some serious open minded advice.

I have been married for 15 years to a good man, but I am very understimulated in our relationship on some levels. Eg since the start of our marraige I have been longing for adult, philosophical types of conversation about life and emotions. I am university educated with my IQ in the genius range. My hubby (we married when I was hardly more than a teenager and he was my first boyfriend ever) is a blue collor worker who was in a school for " special"  children. Needless to say all the household responsiblities and finances falls on my shoulders, which I handle with no problem.

Secondly, we have problems sexually, with me needing touching and sex often, and him happily going weeks without sex. We have had many fights and calm discussions about this during the last 8 months. I even had him fully medically evaluated. Besides these two issues we are quite happy together - doing everything together like sport and hobbies and supporting each other generaly.

A while ago I met a great guy, a bachelor, who I can have deep discussions with about life - he even understands English!! (Hubby has some challenges when it comes to fully understand TV programs or magazine articles). And sexually I have never experienced the intense pleasures he bestows on me - he knows what to do with me, where my husband just thinks the 30 seconds that sometimes happens in the middle of the night when we are not really awake is fine).

I love both of them, in different ways. I care deeply for my husband, he is a good and kind man, who needs someone to care for him and pamper him. I cant take thinking of shattering his world. But I am also just human and still young - only 35 - and I also have needs. I just cant choose between them. My friend loves me and would like to marry me one day, but I cant make any promises at the moment.<br>Please Doc, I need advise. Since the start of my marraige it has been akward to go to for example a restaurant as we did not have much to discuss, and it still is a little embarrasing when spending time in a group like at family gatherings, and my husband does not say one word the whole evening.

Kind regards, and thanks for your time.
Martie

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Open minded, of course, doesn't mean you must aopprove or or applaud everything - that's a mind that is stuck in the open position, and fails to recognize the quality or consequences of anything.
Have you tried marriage counselling to see if the lements of riction between you and your husband can be improved on ?
Where there are more than usual differences between you in terms of intellectual ability and preferences, having friends ( they don't of course have to be male )for intellectual discusion and activities is fine, and need not be objectionable to your husband. Sex is more tricky. Couldn't your husband enjoy learning more about sex and how to be a better lover ( or, as you'd say to him, "an even better lover" ) ?
If he has some difficulty dealing with some of the topics that interest you ( the hidden humour of Ludwig Wittgenstein, perhaps )how much have you explored what interests him ?
In family gatherings, doesn't he perhaps feel shy and overwhelmed, and scared he might sound silly if he joins the conversation ? He can be helped to deal with that.
I wonder why you maried this guy in the first place ? You knew the differences between you, which have not arrived since then.
And remember Jason may be right about you being played. Sorry raises another often over-looked point - if there are irrepairable problems in a marriage, the most honest thing, after trying to fix them, is that if they are not fixable, to part in as friendly a fashion as possible, and then look for a better relationship. Its the isue of having two relationships and degrees of committment at the same time that is understandably bothering to people. In many ways, your husband sounds much better than what many women have to put up with. The intellectual stimulation can be found in other ways and inaddition to your marriage, and the quality of sex between you can be improved with the aid of a therapist. An affair is not the only solution

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

11
Our users say:
Posted by: cc | 2010/02/10

Hi Martie-
Ek is in dieselfde situasie as jy- dit is maar net ons behoeftes wat verskil. Ek voel vasgevang en het ' n ongelooflike begeerte aan selfaktualisering. Dit oorweldig my- en ek weet regtig nie hoe lank ek sal kan uithou in my huidige omstandighede nie. Ek wil nie eendag oud word en op anti-depressante moet leef om te lewe nie. Ongelukkig is my situasie ook kompleks - en alhoewel ek besluit het om te skei, sal ek heel waarskynlik nooit tot die daad oorgaan nie. Ek het ook ' n verhouding- wat ' n groot negatiewe invloed op my christenskap het- en wat soms verligting bring. Ek neem aan op die einde sal ek ' n besluit moet neem en die gepaardgaande gevolge dra..

Reply to cc
Posted by: Summer | 2010/02/04

You know, thats why we ask the experts and not some laymen psychologists because they can do more harm than good. You are trying to draw a pictute and all they can do is bash your IQ and that is not the point. Just to put the record straight, I also know what my IQ score is because I have done more than one IQ test and got the results and each time it was in plus minus the same range.

To get back to your problem. I was married for 10 years to an intelectual man. We had long nights of very interesting conversations. He started cheating on me and we got divorced. I then met my current husband and the sex was so great with him, it blinded me to anything else. I am now in the same boat as you, not being able to have stimulating conversations. It is not a matter of looking down on someone, it is just stating a fact. The steamy sex has also died down. Yes you can have your stimulation with your friends but if there is a big part of who you are that you cannot share with your partner it grinds away at closeness.

From my personal experience I would like to tell you that there is no such thing as perfection. If you leave one man for another you will just leave one set of problems for another, it will just look different. I would advise you to stay with your husband and break all contact with your lover, not because I am not open minded but becauce of lessons I have learned the hard way.

Reply to Summer
Posted by: Kim | 2010/02/03

Dont hurt your hubby for some fling, he sounds like a good guy.
You also wont really know this other guy until you actually get married to him.
Appreciate your hubby and go for therapy or something.
You cant expect him to be perfect, also the way you speaking about him just seems like you looking down on him. Thats not right and not fair on him. You sound as if you think you superior to others. Come down to earth and learn to appreciate the simple things in life, most imp. your hubby (no pun intended lol)
Really I never heard you saying anything bad about him really, in his character. Im sure you have been reading the other posts and as you can see its hard to come by a good man. So keep the one you have and treat him as your equal.

Reply to Kim
Posted by: Sorry  | 2010/02/03

Ok, sorry....
Ok Martie, you do sound very confused. Then my corrupt view would be. Why make things complicated? You have a more or less happy household, which is hard to find these days. Keep the side thing going as is, since it meets some of your other needs.

My view which I would recommend from a Christian standpoint. It isn' t right to have an affair, it destroys people. Rather decide if you want out, and then do it civilly. Whatever you do, don' t start another life while you are still married. Trust me, the wheel of life will turn on you if you do. So there is nothing to look forward to. And I' m not judging, just learned the hard way.

Reply to Sorry&nbsp;
Posted by: Martie | 2010/02/03

Why do I need to convince you of anything?
I am very confused at the moment and need some good down to earth advise about the most difficult decision of my life.
I find it extremely difficult to put my feelings about my marraige into words.
And I had to study part time while working full time for years, yes.
From what you have said thus far the only conclusion I can make is that I am one delusional sick MF for not being satisfied in my marraige and needing more out of life.

Reply to Martie
Posted by: Sorry  | 2010/02/03

You just don' t convince me. So I don' t think I will give advice. Infact, I think from what you have written. Your IQ might be what you believe/wanna believe or was told. I have heard somone say that the doctor said that her baby is extremely inteligent and will be a little genius. They now firmly believe that this child is a genius. 3 Months old, you derive your own conclusions from this one.
But getting married at 19 and going to University at the same time must have taken a lot out of you!

Reply to Sorry&nbsp;
Posted by: Martie | 2010/02/03

Dear Purple
Thank you for your kind response.
Firstly my IQ was tested at school, and during therapy for something else the psycologist and my mother decided to inform me of the result for reasons they thought best.
Secondly my understanding of English is above average to say the least, as I have been reading the likes of Ann Ryand and George Orwell since age twelve. Needless to say I can follow movies and TV without any problems, whereas my husband cannot relay a simple conversation that was held in English in Egoli to me if I happen to miss a minute. As I work and live in Afrikaans my spoken English is a bit rusty, I as I am in quite a hurry as I do have a lot of work here, I didnt bother to be grammatically correct in my posting.
Thirdly - It is most definitely not my real name and surname, but chosen to reflect the cultural group I belong to.
I never dated at school, and when I met my husband just after school, I quickly married him, the first guy who ever gave me some attention! We got engaged one month after we met - I was 19 and it was my idea. And yes, I matured late. I am not proud of it but I had to go through some very difficult times in my life to mature, and I believe that I am still developing and maturing even now.
And to Jason: It is ME who cannot make any promises to my lover, as I can' t make a decision at the moment.
Thanks for all your input.
Kind regards
Martie

Reply to Martie
Posted by: Purple | 2010/02/03

Just a few things that don' t make sense here:

-you say your IQ is in the genuis level, but results of IQ tests don' t actually get given to one when you are tested. They just tell you whether you are meeting your potential or need to work harder to match your potential.
-you have made some grammar errors in your e-mail. You refer to your friend understanding English, yet you have made some basic errors that second language English speakers often make
-You put your name on an e-mail on a public forum that your husband could quite easily happen upon, as can many of your friends and family members. Was this to increase the chances of your husband finding out so that you don' t have to be the one to break things off?

I don' t know if your question is genuine or not. If it is, then why as a teenager did you marry someone who you wanted to mother rather than be an equal partner with? Or you have only just matured now and realised that you are tired of mothering him and taking all the responsibility?

I know that we all change vastly from when we are in our late teens, but something about this just doesn' t quite make sense.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Jason | 2010/02/03

Sorry to say this Martie, but I think you' re being played.

Anyone who says " My friend loves me and would like to marry me one day, but cant make any promises at the moment"  is just enjoying a bit on the side.

Get yourself and your husband into couples therapy, so that you can understand each other better.

Good luck!

Reply to Jason
Posted by: Chris | 2010/02/03

Martie
Divorce your hubby and indulge in pleasure with you new-found lover. Do' nt fool yourself - you are sick and tired of hubby and his inadequacies.
Just do' nt try and come back to hubby if some other woman gets the attention of your lover.

Reply to Chris
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/03

Open minded, of course, doesn't mean you must aopprove or or applaud everything - that's a mind that is stuck in the open position, and fails to recognize the quality or consequences of anything.
Have you tried marriage counselling to see if the lements of riction between you and your husband can be improved on ?
Where there are more than usual differences between you in terms of intellectual ability and preferences, having friends ( they don't of course have to be male )for intellectual discusion and activities is fine, and need not be objectionable to your husband. Sex is more tricky. Couldn't your husband enjoy learning more about sex and how to be a better lover ( or, as you'd say to him, "an even better lover" ) ?
If he has some difficulty dealing with some of the topics that interest you ( the hidden humour of Ludwig Wittgenstein, perhaps )how much have you explored what interests him ?
In family gatherings, doesn't he perhaps feel shy and overwhelmed, and scared he might sound silly if he joins the conversation ? He can be helped to deal with that.
I wonder why you maried this guy in the first place ? You knew the differences between you, which have not arrived since then.
And remember Jason may be right about you being played. Sorry raises another often over-looked point - if there are irrepairable problems in a marriage, the most honest thing, after trying to fix them, is that if they are not fixable, to part in as friendly a fashion as possible, and then look for a better relationship. Its the isue of having two relationships and degrees of committment at the same time that is understandably bothering to people. In many ways, your husband sounds much better than what many women have to put up with. The intellectual stimulation can be found in other ways and inaddition to your marriage, and the quality of sex between you can be improved with the aid of a therapist. An affair is not the only solution

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement