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Question
Posted by: Kay | 2011/06/15

Trust Issues

Good day, My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a couple of months. during this time we have been through alot and part of it was him cheating on me twice. I have never worried about him cheating untill the time I found out he was cheating on me with younger woman. We worked out our diffrences and we are trying to work our way forward. He has changed and is very loving towards me and he tries so hard to keep me happy. the problem is me, I keep waiting for him to cheat on me again, Im constantly watching over his shoulder, who he looks at, who he talks to. When he wants to have friends over I need to know who they are coming with. I hate the way I feel because I feel this might get a bit too much for him and drive him away, but i cannot stop doing it. Ive told him how If feel but I still feel like its going to happen again as soon as there is a Gap for it he wont think twice. How can I deal with my trust issues and learn to trust him again.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If a guy cheats on you, and more than once, surely this proves that he's really "not all that into you" and isn't really sincere about the relationship with you ? OK, possibly he has changed, or maybe he's just saying that, but he can't be surprised that you find it hard to trust him.
I think it's far too easy and fashionable nowadays to blame the woman ( or for her to blame herself ) for having "trust issues" when maybe she's just being realistic.
Think about seeing a couples counsellor together

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Sue | 2011/06/15

don''t waste your time, seek some one that really loves you and the trust is mutual. You can''t go on through life wonerding when will he have another affair. be strong &  bold.

Reply to Sue
Posted by: Caro | 2011/06/15

Depends on the relationship and the persons involved. My husband trusts me again. It is not always ill-fated. You may well learn to trust again - just dont go through life having to watch another person. That is not a life but a prison-sentence for both of you. Go for counseling if you decide to stay.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Laurei | 2011/06/15

My husband cheated when I was pregnant with our second daughter. He had a n affair for two years. He was distant, cold and uninterested in my pregnancy (a baby he wanted) and also showed no interest in the first born. However, when I found out the reason for his attitude, there was hell to pay! We are still together and he knows if he puts one foot amiss or strays he is out of my life in a blink of an eye. I still resent him, remind him etc. even though it happened 12 years ago. He refuses to divorce, accepts my resentment, is now a changed man, but I still dont trust him. Good Luck. It is a very hard and lonely road.

Reply to Laurei
Posted by: Romany | 2011/06/15

I am afraid there in no way you will ever trust him again. You need to live with this. You chose to give him another chance (or more than one). This is great and very noble of you as every one of us deserves a chance....or two.
However, the trust, believe me, never comes back, ever. No therapy or pills helps for it either.
From my side I am still waiting to see if time will heal this.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Caro | 2011/06/15

It takes time. If you feeel the relationship is worth staying in, you have to give it time. Ask him to understand how you feel but also remember that there are many gaps in life and you cannot smother him because you will suffocate the relationship. You will never be able to watch his every move so if you can''t trust him you have to move on. Take a break from the relationship and regain your self-confidence by doing your own thing (not cheating or necessarily seeing other people) just so that you can get some perspective. Don''t be afraid of letting him go - most important is that you show yourself that you are not dependant - you might surprise yourself and find that you don''t want him anyway. Otherwise you will allow it to consume you. Twice is more than I will forgive for but that is your choice if you decide to stay in the relationship. Don''t make life hell for yourself.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/15

If a guy cheats on you, and more than once, surely this proves that he's really "not all that into you" and isn't really sincere about the relationship with you ? OK, possibly he has changed, or maybe he's just saying that, but he can't be surprised that you find it hard to trust him.
I think it's far too easy and fashionable nowadays to blame the woman ( or for her to blame herself ) for having "trust issues" when maybe she's just being realistic.
Think about seeing a couples counsellor together

Reply to cybershrink

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