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Question
Posted by: Pokkels | 2011-12-13

Trust

I have been in a serious relationship for almost a year. When we met I said to him I have 2 conditions - you must be over your ex and never lie to me.

His ex is not from SA, lives in the USA and I saw an email he sent her 2 months into our relationship where he says: He is in a new relationship with a jealous girl and even with all this attention he still thinks about her. He does not understand why she has stopped talking to him and that it''s obvious she does not love him anymore. He asks for the engagement ring back. He says that he loves me very much. He said that he wants to be friends with her, but that she should not contact him on Facebook as I would see it and he would have to explain for weeks why she contacted him.

Firstly, I''m not jealous, I do however have trust issues. I don''t trust people very much especially when things like the above happens. He said he sent the above email to her to get the ring back, he said he''s tried other methods to get through to her but nothing has worked, so he tried the " nice"  approach. As far as I can tell he did not contact her again after this mail and she also never responded to any of his emails.

I do however now want to crawl into a little ball and die when he receives an email on his phone or anything else as I think it''s from her. I do not trust him, eventhough I really want to. I almost have this obsession now - checking his phone for evidence, looking up her profile on FB to see any movement...this is not normal or good for me. I constantly have this fear that he is cheating on me - eventhough I won''t show it to him. He promised never to contact her again after we had a fight about this email. During our fight he said he is tired of me constantly confronting him about her and " suspecting'' he is cheating with her. But why does he email her then, if he is over her, why does he not leave her alone? I have so many questions, but as soon as I say anything in her direction he gets devensive and upset.

How can I trust him again? I''m so scared of getting hurt.
How can I let go of this anxious fear in me that he is going to cheat on me...I understand there is nothing I can do to stop him, but I want to relax more and accept I cannot control him or his decisions.

I''m so confused and hurt and feel betrayed.

Please help....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm not sure I understand the start of your letter. Who did he ask to give the engagement ring back ?
If you made it clear from the start that you very reasonably expected him to be over his ex, and he said that he was, then he misled you. If it was she who still had the engagement ring, that doesn't sound lime "over".
And one wonders why he felt he needed to tell her he was still thinking of her. Thinking of her maybe he can't always help that, but he didn't get forced to tell her. But then, apparently he told her he loves you very much ?
It makes no sense, if he was honest when he told you it was over, for him to ask her to be sneaky in contacting him. How "over" is that ?
Anyhow, from the sound of it she wants nothing to do with him, and plans to keep the ring.
Its entirely understandable that you find it difficult to trust him.
I'm also not sure what you're saying, when you talk of him "e-mailing" her - is he sending regular and different e-mails, or is this all about the single e-mail that was so upsetting for you ?
Persuade him to join you in couples counselling, to work together on sorting this all out as well as possiblem before making decisions about continuing or ending the relationship

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1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-12-13

I'm not sure I understand the start of your letter. Who did he ask to give the engagement ring back ?
If you made it clear from the start that you very reasonably expected him to be over his ex, and he said that he was, then he misled you. If it was she who still had the engagement ring, that doesn't sound lime "over".
And one wonders why he felt he needed to tell her he was still thinking of her. Thinking of her maybe he can't always help that, but he didn't get forced to tell her. But then, apparently he told her he loves you very much ?
It makes no sense, if he was honest when he told you it was over, for him to ask her to be sneaky in contacting him. How "over" is that ?
Anyhow, from the sound of it she wants nothing to do with him, and plans to keep the ring.
Its entirely understandable that you find it difficult to trust him.
I'm also not sure what you're saying, when you talk of him "e-mailing" her - is he sending regular and different e-mails, or is this all about the single e-mail that was so upsetting for you ?
Persuade him to join you in couples counselling, to work together on sorting this all out as well as possiblem before making decisions about continuing or ending the relationship

Reply to cybershrink

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