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Question
Posted by: kassi | 2010/11/25

trouble in paradise

I am not coping. in one year, a family member I looked up to killed himself, i started a job within 2 weeks, i entered a relationship within 3 weeks and relocated to his place which is 40 km way from work - the most I have travelled ever to work (most i travelled before was 20km), got engaged within 4 months, married the next month, invested in a house immediately, took care of partners ailing mum, partners mum passed away 2 months later. My husband did not propose in a romantic way - by the way I think we should marry. He unilaterally makes arrangements for us to get married in his area for his convenience 80km away from my family and my family is an olde generation. he unilaterally decides we will not have a honeymoon. He talks about his ex alot and what great legs she has and how beautiful she was and how everyone is so jealous of her. He drinks alot everyday and thinks its normal. He eats the equivalent of a family of 4 for supper. We buy 3 loaves of bread. We are just a couple and I dont really eat bread. He says I don''t know whats in the fridge how am i to accept he goes through 3 loaves of bread in two days. I pay more for groceries just to feed him. I paid a huge deposit on the house - more than R200,000. His ex- girlfriend wanted to return the R300,000 he gave her and he said no. He is in huge debt and he kicks out the tenant swearing him after drinking. We don''t have a tenant. He lights up a cigarette every 5 minutes or less. He does not want to do anything I want to do. I feel like I am screaming internally. one day he accused me of cheating. He was in my face screaming and his spit was on my face. he is the one that chats up women. I speak to nobody because he is too jealous and controlling. We are not married a year and we hardly have sex. He knows nothing about foreplay or pleasing me too. What''s the point of contraception which he wanted me to go on if he can''t have sex because he drinks so much that it makes him diabetic and he can''t function. It''s like he doesn''t care about himself. he wants a child so I went off the contraception but I wonder if he will live to a decade with his habits as they are. I mean he brings chocolates to bed. I feel revolted by his habits. I also feel resentful about having to live where he chooses, invest in the house he wants, marry in his area, marry in winter because he wants it and so what if we all freeze because he doesn''t like summer. Its almost like Im not worth it to ask what I want. He cooks and things but I just don''t want to eat his food. Its in a bucket of oil. I feel I too have now lost interest in myself. I just want to live my separate life feel I made a mistake in marrying me. The thing is I can''t afford to move out because all my savings were used to buy a house he was insistent on in an area he was insistent on. I jst don''t know what to do with this resentment I am feeling and how to address it with him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, are you saying you relocated to live with a guy you only knew for 3 weeks ? Was that wise ? You seem now to be discovering aspects of who and how he is, which you find unpleasant - why were you in such an awful hurry to commit yourself to him ?
If he was and is so darn fond of his Ex - why is she an Ex ? I hope that the house you paid so much for is in your name, as I suspect you really need good legal advice to protect yourself from this greedy and selfish guy. Think VERY carefulyl before choosing to have a child with a man like this and in such a precarious situation - why is it all about what HE wants ?
See a lawyer and potect your rights


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: victim | 2010/11/25

he is a controlling and manipulative person he most probably is also very charming when he is sober hence is liked by many people he will not change
you will lose yourself your identity and you most probably realise that this is already happening to you
the financial loss is small compared to your self asteem and happiness please dont complicate a bad situation by having children

Reply to victim
Posted by: HUH | 2010/11/25

It seems as though you have a habit of junmping into things. This forum being case and point posting a question and now not happy with the answers your getting and wanting it removed.

Reply to HUH
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/11/25

All the decisions were made to fit his schedule, awesome! So where are you in this whole picture? Which decisions did you part take in making? For your sake I hope the house is on your name or else...

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Shocked | 2010/11/25

Of all the things you tell us I am most shocked that he eats chocolates in bed? disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can you consider having a baby with someone who does that.
Everything else is forgivable................

Reply to Shocked
Posted by: kassi | 2010/11/25

please remove my question to cybershrink out

Reply to kassi
Posted by: kassi | 2010/11/25

I knew him for 2 years - it''s not that I do not love him but I feel we need to work things out somehow and he needs help and I need to talk to him but I need to know how to talk to him. Also, please refrain from making comments like I am stupid as that is against the rules

Reply to kassi
Posted by: H | 2010/11/25

You were stupid to just jump into this relationship.

Reply to H
Posted by: PMS | 2010/11/25

You have a choice to leave him or stay with him. If he revoltes you, leave him! Do it now before you have kids with him, then it just becomes complicated.

Reply to PMS
Posted by: Ph | 2010/11/25

move on.. I just dont know how,but you can do it

Reply to Ph
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/25

Sorry, are you saying you relocated to live with a guy you only knew for 3 weeks ? Was that wise ? You seem now to be discovering aspects of who and how he is, which you find unpleasant - why were you in such an awful hurry to commit yourself to him ?
If he was and is so darn fond of his Ex - why is she an Ex ? I hope that the house you paid so much for is in your name, as I suspect you really need good legal advice to protect yourself from this greedy and selfish guy. Think VERY carefulyl before choosing to have a child with a man like this and in such a precarious situation - why is it all about what HE wants ?
See a lawyer and potect your rights


Reply to cybershrink

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