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Question
Posted by: Kris | 2010/09/29

Totally confused

Please help with some advice. I am engaged to a man who I having been going out with for 3 yrs now. Initially everything was great and I thought I had at last met a man I could enjoy a future with. (We have both been married before and are over 40yrs of age). Then little things he was saying started to niggle me and now I am just filled with doubt as to whether or not to continue this relationship. It started with him getting totally angry at me because I stopped at a shop on the way home to buy myself a jersey. This was 3 yrs ago. He said I should have waited for him to go with me or should have asked him to join me there. His reason is that a couple in a relationship should do everything together. Then there were other things like he would be jealous if my cat(now deceased) sat on my lap. He would push her off and say that was his space and that I gave the cat more attention than him. Over the years things are just getting worse. We get on well for a max of 3 weeks at a time before there''s more problems. He is verbally abusive when we argue and always has to be right about everything. He says I treat him like shit and that I don''t have a clue on how to be in a relationship. It always seems to be the little things(to me they''re little) that sets him off. For instance I didn''t invite him for supper the one night because I was at home sick and cooked early for myself and my two grownup children. He doesn''t come everynight for supper. That set him off again because we had eaten earlier than normal and he wanted to come for supper. But everything is always always my fault. He says two people don''t get into an arguement unless they think they are right and he fights to win. Then we he gets like that I start thinking well why should I back down. As a result nothing ever gets resolved. Thing is that when we get on we get on really well. We both have the same interests etc. and we then enjoy each other. I''ve done the whole pro''s versus con''s thing and it''s about equal. Problem now is I don''t know if I really am wrong about everything that happens and whether or not I don''t know how to be in a relationship. Not sure if this relationship is worth carrying on for. There are many many other incidents that have happened. I''ll need a book to list them all. I keep doubting myself and think what if it really is me thats at fault here and I call it off when I could have done something to sort it out. Help. Sorry so long an email

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I suppose one of the things this story illustrates is the value of a reasonably long engagement - the chance to discover incompatibilities not noticeable when in a hurry.
The fuss over the jersey was obviously foolish - but more worrying would be the deeply unwise assumption that a loving couple should do EVERYTHING together. Impractical and undesirable. Maybe they should Decide on everyting that is Important, together. That's different.
Feeling jealous of the cat is both pathetic and highly sinister.
You are not describing a wholesome or promising relatonship. Nothing you're talking about seems to be your fault, and his skill in convincing you that everything IS your fault, is also really bad news.
He is indeed controlling and over-possessive, and things will NOT get better after marriage, only more unpleasant and more expensive.
And o course, if he were right about even a few of his criticisms of you - why on earth would he still want to marry you ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: BMW | 2010/09/29

You are so sweet Kris - and caring. Thanks for your thoughst and wishes, we were supposed to be helping you!! Shows what a nice person you are................

Reply to BMW
Posted by: Kris | 2010/09/29

Hi All

Thanks for all the replies. It''s really helped.
BMW - it was particularly nice to hear from someone in the same situation. My email was so long that I didn''t mention that my 2 kids also don''t like him and that he''s tried on a few occasions to make me take sides with him against them. At the moment I''m getting the silent treatment from him. Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds much worse for you than me. I assume you have been married before. I once read that if ALL your family and friends don''t like your partner then that should also be a huge red flag. Good luck and I hope for your sake that things come right for you

Reply to Kris
Posted by: bmw | 2010/09/29

I married a woman exactl like your fiance - also goes well for 2-3 weeks then ANYTHING sets her off (not PMS, although sometimes this plays a role). I also believed all would be well once we were married and she promised she would " control"  herself. It has got worse and we have been married for 14 years. I am really worried about the rest of my life as I don''t know which is going to be worse - divorcing after all this time, or sticking it out. My kids can''t stand her, and this adds to all the stress. I would leave, NOW, if I were you. Wish I had.

Reply to bmw
Posted by: Soul | 2010/09/29

Do you really want to spend your life with a man that has to be right in everything that wants his way in everything? This relationship is more about him than the both of you. He is defiantely controlling and possesive, can you see yourself with this man that you have to answer for every thing you say and do?
Think very carefully before you marry this man, if his not prepared to compromize and meet you half way then honey his just not worth it.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Elizabeth | 2010/09/29

I think this man is very controlling and possessive. If this is what he is like when you are engaged, it can only get worse when you are married. If a man resents his fiancé e going on her own to buy a jersey, there is something seriously wrong. I would back out of this relationship but you may find that hard to do because of the good times you have shared. I just see too much unhappiness here.

Reply to Elizabeth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/29

I suppose one of the things this story illustrates is the value of a reasonably long engagement - the chance to discover incompatibilities not noticeable when in a hurry.
The fuss over the jersey was obviously foolish - but more worrying would be the deeply unwise assumption that a loving couple should do EVERYTHING together. Impractical and undesirable. Maybe they should Decide on everyting that is Important, together. That's different.
Feeling jealous of the cat is both pathetic and highly sinister.
You are not describing a wholesome or promising relatonship. Nothing you're talking about seems to be your fault, and his skill in convincing you that everything IS your fault, is also really bad news.
He is indeed controlling and over-possessive, and things will NOT get better after marriage, only more unpleasant and more expensive.
And o course, if he were right about even a few of his criticisms of you - why on earth would he still want to marry you ?

Reply to cybershrink

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