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Question
Posted by: Channel | 2012/08/23

Torn...pls help

I am torn, I''m married and I also have a guy that I''ve been having strong feelings for since 2008 when I first met him. This has been bothering me for 4 years now. My husband has done terrible things to me previously. And I was hurt and confused didn’ t understand why a person you love like a loved my husband will do such things. And I think I came to a point where instead of loving him I resented him. I went for counseling by myself and we also went through couple therapy. I thought of living my husband but I could never do it…  I was not confidant and I had fear… what am I gonna do without him, how am I gonna support myself… and I didn’ t want to lose the dream I had about my marriage and family. I stayed through the good and the bad. For the past four years I’ ve been conflicted. This guy showed up and everything changed for me emotionally. At the beginning I tried to convince myself that it will pass, sometimes I felt I loved my husband sometimes I felt I loved the other guy. I prayed that I totally forget about the other guy. When I will see the other guy at parties he will flirt with me and I always got chills when I saw him. I’ ve seen him less than 10 times since I met him in ’ 08. The mistake I did was I thought maybe I won’ t like him as much If I engage with him and find out what type of a person he is. I started emailing, chatting to him and texting him but still I liked him. I also told him how I feel about him and how I miss him since it has been two years since I last saw him. All this time my husband was suspicious that the was something between us even before we started engaging. I always denied it. One day my husband went into my email and saw some of the emails between me and the other guy. He was furious because he’ s been asking me what’ s going on and I always said nothing. I promised my husband I’ ll stop emailing and texting I did for about 4 month but then I missed him and I started again. When my husband asked me about him again I couldn’ t lie I told him yes I’ m back to emailing and texting him. He was devastated. I promised to stop to engage with him but how do I stop feeling what I’ m feeling for this guy. Sometimes when I talk to my sister or my friend who are married and still so inlove with their husband I envy them. My husband wants us to end the marriage because he says even if we stay together he doesn’ t want to be with someone who just likes him. I don’ t want to end our marriage. Sometimes I wish I can just let him go, but I can’ t… to scared to face life by myself. I’ ve been going for therapy hoping to deal with the feelings I have for the other guy and iron out my issues but I still have strong feelings for the guy. The other guy does not reject me, even though he told me he doesn’ t wanna mess with me because I’ m married. I believe he likes me too and he’ s very respectable of my marriage. I have a love hate relationship with my husband, when we are good I love him when we are fighting I hate him. What am I to do… how do I deal with this? Please help… 

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Loving someone doesn't prevent them from doing unpleasant things, which is why its wise to be cautious about not loving too much, too easily, before you really know the person.
You don't mention what were the "terrible things" your husband did, but presumably this was abusive ; and you mention having gone for couples counselling, apparently without benefit. But it sounds as though your husband did improve, and felt he had sincerely tried to, at least, and that he felt things had improved.
So it swould indeed be shocking for him to discover you were still acting in love with someone else, and not him.
Then you say you don't want to end your marriage " but I can’ t… to scared to face life by myself." which may be highly significant. Doesnt that mean you are using the other guy as a source of romance, and your husband as a source of secirity, being unfair to both of them ?
Surely to be fair to everyone, including yourself, you need to sort out the marriage through further more serious marriage counselling ; and if it cant be sorted out, then have the courage to end the marriage, and be open to possibly exploring a more serious relationship with the other man.
Its not fair to try to have your cake and eat it too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nicole | 2012/08/28

what would you tell your best friend / sister / brother to do in such a situation. imagining it from someone you care for''s side helps getting an extra perspective..
Channal - don''t let fear motivate your decisions.
Ntsiki - hotel rooms and financial aid = you selling yourself cheap to some guy that has the potential of ruining your family. Is it worth it?

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: Majozi | 2012/08/27

So you are busy using your husband financially knowing that you dont love him,sies,you are bloody cruel...

Reply to Majozi
Posted by: Ntsiki | 2012/08/24

This is really tough... My case is somehow simillar. My husband is all good, a loving, and supportive family man. We have our arguments like normal couples do. He''s unemployed and I have to see through a family 7 including me and him. He''s doing his best to help where possible but finances are a big deal as I''m not making enough money myself. Nontheless, I met someone, not a boyfriend but he''s ading financially at times. The guy proposed love but I rejected. The thing is that I can''t stop communication with him yet he offers so much lucrative offers, financial wise. I once tolt him that I don''t afford paying for my car and he promised to pay for it. He has a family but is staying by himself. I''m scared to meet on my own/alone or at night as I''m afraid he might force himself on me. He always insist that we meet at a hotel room and sleep over. I can''t afford and don''t want to sleep with anyone other than my husband. How do I stop taking his money yet avoid his " hotel"  offers?

Reply to Ntsiki
Posted by: cheaky | 2012/08/24

well said cybershrink

Reply to cheaky
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/23

Loving someone doesn't prevent them from doing unpleasant things, which is why its wise to be cautious about not loving too much, too easily, before you really know the person.
You don't mention what were the "terrible things" your husband did, but presumably this was abusive ; and you mention having gone for couples counselling, apparently without benefit. But it sounds as though your husband did improve, and felt he had sincerely tried to, at least, and that he felt things had improved.
So it swould indeed be shocking for him to discover you were still acting in love with someone else, and not him.
Then you say you don't want to end your marriage " but I can’ t… to scared to face life by myself." which may be highly significant. Doesnt that mean you are using the other guy as a source of romance, and your husband as a source of secirity, being unfair to both of them ?
Surely to be fair to everyone, including yourself, you need to sort out the marriage through further more serious marriage counselling ; and if it cant be sorted out, then have the courage to end the marriage, and be open to possibly exploring a more serious relationship with the other man.
Its not fair to try to have your cake and eat it too.

Reply to cybershrink

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