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Question
Posted by: Calvin | 2010-09-08

Told me her past

Hi. I’  m 24 years of age and in a relationship with a 21 years old woman. I’  m having a habit of asking my girlfriend of her past sex life and partners especially the ones that I’  m serious with. Last night my girl friend whom I moved in with told me her past life which really makes me sad and fearing to commit to her. I was asking a lot of questions before she could trust and then told me. She told me how she had sex with many guys without thinking, some guys are friend to each other and others were just her friend not even boyfriends, after she told me I was a bit sad and wondering if i want to be with her for life. I’  m a very committed guy and I love her very much but then her past just make me sick, I don’  t know if I will be able to trust her again in my life. She sound like she is not proud to share her past as she also thinks she did bad things. I want to accept and believe that she has changed and I also want to believe that what she did was part of growing up and maybe lack of support and guidance from peers and family. I wish my habit of curiosity can stop because I don’  t think I want to know all this. Is it fair to her for answering me? Is it normal for this kind of curiosity? How can I improve our relationship and forget about her past?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Excellent responses from maria especially.
As a matter of interest - apart from your curiosity about your partner's previous sexual history ( which if caried to extremes can make a relationship feel like a visit to a VD clinic ) - are you entirely frank with them about your own previous experiences ?
If you like her, she is who she is with the history she has - including past sexual experiences, where she went to school, and her favourite type of pizza.
You can have a relationship with her NOW - not in her past, whatever it was. You really don't have to ask. The issue is whether she is trustworthy NOW, not whether you should have trusted her way back when

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: Donnie | 2010-09-09

I have been struggling with the exact same thing Calvin and I know how hard it is. My wife had 2 boyfriends before me with whom she had sex occasionally. She was also date-raped twice. I was her first and it took me a long time to get over it that other guys were there before me. For some reason this is especially hard for guys to deal with but society is totally f-d up in that when a guy sleeps with a lots of women he is a stud and when a girl does it she is a slut. It somehow affected my self esteem and masculinity but I realised it was a wicked illusion that jeapordised a beautiful relationship. The best thing to do is to educate yourself to become the best lover that she ever had, give her mind blowing sex and she will soon forget all her previous experiences.
Women engage in sex for different reasons than guys. They need to feel wanted and accepted and a lot of guys abuse this fact and it ends in a lot of heartache on the woman''s side. If my wife can turn back the clock she would certainly not have made the mistakes that she made and she wishes even MORE than I do that she was my first.
A woman wants to feel safe and protected by her man and if you are a real man you would protect her. That includes protecting her from the darkness of her past.
Good luck my friend. I trust you will find wisdom.

Reply to Donnie
Posted by: Calvin | 2010-09-08

thank you all.

Reply to Calvin
Posted by: G | 2010-09-08

It is not about trust! Where did she break your trust? Your moerse ego is the problem! It is one thing we have to handle  the okes that -|-.e.d them before we did. She did nothing wrong against you, you were the enquisitive one, and she trusted that you would be able to live with it.

IT HAPPENED BEFORE YOUR TIME, GET OVER IT.

Reply to G
Posted by: Maria | 2010-09-08

I think your curiosity is normal. As for dealing with it... if you want to have a relationship with this girl you will have to make a conscious decision to leave her past in the past. Here is a suggestion, it sounds silly I know but it once worked for me in similar circumstances. Take a piece of paper and write down all your questions, fear and concerns. Then tear the paper up into little pieces and burn it or flush it down the toilet. Let it go, and take your relationship forward. Good luck.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Calvin | 2010-09-08

She tested Nagative. We both went together. My question is rather how do a guy deal with this kind of curiosity??? I don''t wanna judge her but I also want to trust her. How do I do that???

Reply to Calvin
Posted by: Maria | 2010-09-08

You asked her a question and she was honest enough, and trusts you enough, to answer truthfully. Would you have preferred it if she lied to you? I hope she has been tested for HIV and other SDI''s.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-09-08

Excellent responses from maria especially.
As a matter of interest - apart from your curiosity about your partner's previous sexual history ( which if caried to extremes can make a relationship feel like a visit to a VD clinic ) - are you entirely frank with them about your own previous experiences ?
If you like her, she is who she is with the history she has - including past sexual experiences, where she went to school, and her favourite type of pizza.
You can have a relationship with her NOW - not in her past, whatever it was. You really don't have to ask. The issue is whether she is trustworthy NOW, not whether you should have trusted her way back when

Reply to cybershrink

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