Posted by: Jehaan | 2009-02-25

today 21 yrs ago

today 21 yrs ago my mom got blown to pieces. Last night for the very 1st time since that (I saw 8), did it feel like my heart is shattered and I cried so bitterly for a very long time. No one ever spoke about her and we were raised by dad knowing the details (but not all). Last yr I forced my aunt to reveal the whole truth and she did, along with the newspaper articles, she suffered for 5 days and eventually died.
I cannot phone my dad since he is hurting as well (I know that), espeacially as he carried her upper part of what is left out of the bank.
We sat in the ratel. I hate remembering the smell of burned meat, even after all this time if i drive past a dead animal that no one else would smell, or burned meat...I get sick to my stomach.
The newspapers lied as well... i was not taken in by my aunt as they said, no one wanted the traumatised girl- too much hassle.
I carry a mask every day, a good and healthy (and sane) woman, 2 small kids, great one knows who the real me is..... i dont even know.

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Our expert says:
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I am so very sorry to hear about this, Jehaan. After such a horible event, it is not unusual that one may in some ways remain emotionally frozen for months or years, having experienced something too terrible to think about. And it is also typical that eventually, for any of a variety of reaons, this unfreezes, and one experiences more of the stored up sadness and other emotions, including anger at the cruel people who caused it. Seeing a herapist / counsellor can help you to work through this grief and anger, which is all normal but unpleasant and it is important to be helped to move through and beyond this, to become more able to remember your great and innocent mother with pride and love, not with grief and rage. this is more than "anger management" which is a more trivial intervention --- you deserve more.
Don't apologise for "going on| --- you have every right to do so, and to vent and to be heard. One of the tragedies of the largely phoney TRC was that it disrespected the victims in almost every case, and instead provided convenience for the perpetrators. I am sickened by how people who led largely happy lives and had nothing to forgive, preach to the victims as though we had a dity to forgive the perpetrators and make them feel better --- there is no such duty. I respect your anger and your grief --- the aim of therapy would be to help you re-connect with other much more fruitful emotions, and to be able to lead a more realistically pleasant life with your kids.
Are you certain that your dad, who must indeed be suffering, wants to suffer alone ? Is it not possible that he, too, would be comforted by sharing his feelings and reactons with you, as you both lost someone so important to you ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jehaan | 2009-02-25

She did not want to die and be melted and limbless. I am -|- ing angry today, normally it is the anger that keeps me ' sane' , i figured if i stay angry then i do not cry...
Yes: I have been to anger management and it taught me to control it.
BUT then i look at all the crap happening here in SA now... Zuma' s machine gun song, all the killing and hatred... it makes me sicks.
I was never for what happened in the war, I was a kid but by god i swear that is a brilliant thing that who ever planted that bombs was ' made away'  like the animals they were.
All i want is safety, away from hurt... I am obsessed with my kids' s safety and gets highly pissed of it ANYONE tells me to ' let them experience" - they who say this have not seen what experiences can do....
I am sorry... for going husband lived a very sheltered life and all those i know as well so they wont ' get'  this... I need to vent...


Reply to Jehaan
Posted by: Candice | 2009-02-25

I cannot even fathom what you are going through, one good this is you cried!!! that is very good, to let it all out!
lets see what CS has to say.
Stay positive with the loving memory of you mom, she is okay, she is where she belongs, dont ever forget that!

Reply to Candice

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