Posted by: mmmm | 2008-11-28

To Stressed Friend &  Others

Re Stressed Friend, the lady who posted 1861 below (" my wedding or yours? Upstage the Bride?? " ). I still maintain, you are all missing the point here.

This is not about the wedding, short notices, or the masking goodies etc. Stressed Friend posted this on the shrink/CS/Psychiatrist' s forum because:

1. She cannot say NO. She understands that she has short sold herself by accepting a short notice invite despite her financial difficulties. Yet she still cannot say " wait a minute girlfriend, I want out, I have thought carefully about this"  etc.

2. She is a people' s pleaser - her friend has not been in contact with her for a while (I assume based on hers receiving invite only a few weeks ago  wedding is not a short term idea  it is planned way ahead.). she did not want to be this bad friend and said yes. On higd sight she regrets her decision.
3. She make decisions that she later regrets - financially, socially etc.
3. She hides behind masks - manicures, make-ups etc. That is what she is communicating right now. Why? It seems to me that one can deduce that even the reason that she is as indebted as she makes us believe, is that for a long time she spent to fill a certain need or gap (emotional/psychological longing and emptiness). She is not authentic.

My suggestion is that Stressed Friend must seek therapy of CBT nature to deal with various issues that may be unresolved in her life including her inability ot say NO! No is pivotal in self-caring and guarding against others taking advantage of you! That may be one of the reasons that led her to incur unaffordable debt. i know that we are all in a financial crisis in one way or another. Yet we see her STILL determined to go for all these expensive axercises though the bride that she ought to support is instructing otherwise. Finally, she may have to deal with why as a beautiful person (natural beauty) she is telling us that she is, does she worry so much about make-ups, manicures, artificial eyelashes/eyebrows? Why are you not comfortable with yourself? Do you want to fit-in sowhere somehow? Ok don' t tell us, discuss that with your shrink. Have a great weekend

mmmmm (not brrrr)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hear your point of view, and disagree. And we must be cautious about assuming that we know tjhat someone else needs help even in ways they don't express or say themselves. She is assuming that pedicure. manicure,etc. are totally life or death essentials if one is to attend a wedding. If the wedding is tomorrow, it's a bit late to back out, but she could have done easily, with many varied excuses, in time to enable her friend to invite someone else --- her own late invitation may have been because somebody ELSE backed out rather late.
Maybe her obsession with makeup etc is a form of hiding from reality behind a mask --- maybe not. We don't jump to conclusions, and expect people to say what they mean and ask what they really want to ask.
She may indeed have problems of low self-esteem, etc., which would benefit from CBT --- but it may be hard for her to afford that right now. It'd be better expenditure of scarce funds than pedicures.
The passion and elopquence with which you advance this particular theory suggests you may have visited that very territory some time in the past.

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