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Question
Posted by: mary | 2010/11/21

To good mom

Doc, please analize this!
Little background: I''m an 40yr old adoptive mom, 2 boys, happily married. Obvious we love our sons to bits, I''ve sacrifised my job for the last 5 yr to stay at home ect. My mom had to give her 2 sons(from previous marriage, before she met my dad) up for adoption, she and my dad had an up and down relationship, still maried for 44 yrs. I ''work'' very hard to do things for my boys, helping them, playing, ect. We are a ''happy family'' with great kids, they really are. My mother was never really the ''nurturing'' type of parent but mostly the ''critical parent'', still is...What I want to know: Why does it bother me so much when she often makes remarks like: ''You are a TO GOOD MOTHER/PARENT" , or " you know, it''s not good to try and be a to good mother''. I have thought about this but can''t even figure out if this hurts me or upsest me or frustrates me or makes me angry...I don''t know why this words get me in such a knot..Could it be that I get hurt because I was longing for kids for 10 yrs? Or what?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Presumably your mother fels uneasy to see you being a much better mother than she is or was ? Don't let yourself get hurt - these remarks are about what SHE lacks, not really about you at all.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/22

Presumably your mother fels uneasy to see you being a much better mother than she is or was ? Don't let yourself get hurt - these remarks are about what SHE lacks, not really about you at all.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2010/11/21

I wonder why us adoptive moms always feel the need to point that fact out to people, even when it has no relevance to the situation at all. I do that too. Perhaps because we try to over achieve as parents? You sound like a fantastic mom and your kids are lucky to have you. The fact that they are adopted are besides the point. Your mom might very well be feeling guilty for not being there for her own children, and projecting this guilt on you. Ignore her. Just remember that most people are " good enough"  parents, and that''s ok. We don''t have to be perfect. And even though we have kids we may still live our own lives too, in fact we have to as it is damaging to kids when we try and live vicariously through them. Take care.

Reply to Maria

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