Home > Experts > Question Search health advice Find an answer Question Posted by: Estelle | 2012/05/08 Q.To Collosso - Part 2 Collosso, you are slowly killing yourself off, no matter how ‘ good’ this man makes you feel. You are eroding the beautiful woman you are, inside and out. You are robbing your life of what God purposed it to be. It doesn’ t matter if he says he loves you, misses you, is crazy about your body, thinks you are gorgeous and intelligent. If you are so fabulous why is he with another woman?This is not about getting answers about why he didn’ t and doesn’ t choose you. You are the Unchosen, end of story. You don’ t need any fact but that one. Call him up or send a text saying you are worth more and are ending everything. Don’ t meet him in person your feelings for him will take over. Send a text ending everything. And no, you can''t be friends. He knows full well you are worth more than what he is offering you – the reason this affair exists is that YOU are refusing to accept you are worth more than what he is offering you. He is capitalising on this. He will capitalise on it until he tires of you or the wife finds out. If the sex is good, this affair may continue for years like mine did. The sex I gave my married man would literally leave him shaking. You do not have to leave him only when you find a good guy. You don’ t need a good guy waiting. If the divorced guy isn’ t doing it for you he’ s not the one for you. You need to walk out on the married man with no one waiting for you. You need to go to bed with no one to hold you – but you will have your self-respect back. You need to be getting no sexy texts on your phone – but you will have your self-love back. Collosso, I am coming from a ten year history which almost destroyed my life. Please leave this relationship. Cold turkey, not gradual withdrawal. Rest assured he will fight you and fight you on it, pleading love, pain, everything. Do not hear him. Send that text today. Not tomorrow. Break up with him before you sleep tonight and never see him again. Please leave him and live your life as the beautiful woman you are, in the process making room for the right man. Please leave him Collosso. You may not want to because you can’ t imagine the pain of being without him. But the greatest pain is actually the one you are in now. Whether or not you realise it, being in an affair is immensely painful – it kills off a small part of your soul every day. Nothing rivals the pain, angst and shame of being The Unchosen. Nothing does.Please end the affair. Today.If I can walk away from the man I loved with every fibre of my being (and still do) - if I can walk away after from ten years of living a life of unspeakable shame and immense angst, anyone can. Esty 7 Pin It user comments Posted by: Woman | 2012/05/11 Estelle you make us proud.....you sound like a smart woman, that''s why the last time I was so mad that you were wasting yourself on a man like dat..... I was not trying to be personal or anything, I just wanted you to see the light and that was the only way..... Ladies we deserve the best.....Never settle to be second best even for Zuma....lets embrasse the GIRL POWER!!! Reply to Woman Posted by: Nana | 2012/05/09 Until you realize it yourself, when you are alone that you are actually worth more than this, you will always make excuses.Estelle, thanks for sharing your experience. I will take your advice never to see him again, and we cannot be friends with ''my married man''. I actually ended it last year, a year-long affair, but it is always a mission to resist him when in front of me. Seeing him once this year was a reminder of how married men bring no value to any woman''s life. He was very upset when I told him that I see no value in being with a married man. I said unless he could show me otherwise. He basically lacks what you need, companionship at the time of need. The last time he told me he loves me (a week ago), looking me in my eyes, I was shocked to feel nothing for him except for realizing the deceit he''s been feeding me. Reply to Nana Posted by: Brendan | 2012/05/08 Estelle do yourself a favour and get a book by Kevin Kurgansky - How to Get Over a Break-up. It''s only available over the net. Google him and buy the book. Just do it. And DO the excersises. Reply to Brendan Posted by: Estelle | 2012/05/08 Hi Cindy - I went back to him over 20 times bcz I thought I could not live without him and would never get a man of my own. I thought we were so special to each other - after all I must have been special if he cldnt walk away in ten years right? Meanwhile this same man I loved so much in fact perceived me as a piece of trash and moreover knew that this was how I saw myself. Bcz he knew my self-esteem was in tatters, he knew I did not have the strength to leave and that I did not believe I was worth more, worth being a Queen. My married man absolutely knew this and knew that bcz of it, I literally could not leave. Leave and go where who would take a whore like me?I honestly think God shook me in a loving but firm way - by causing my mind and body to totally collapse, landing me in hospital with a 50k bill. Thats not all this affair cost me. When I found out he was engaged I went out drinking in a terrible state of pain, then drove aimlessly around the streets at 3am blind drunk - and got stopped at a roadblock and breathalysed. I was arrested immediately and spent the night in a filthy cell with 12 other women, and we were opposite violent men, the cell opposite was labelled ''violent detainees'' or something. This was Sandton Police Station. There were lice, roaches and dirt-caked blankets on the floor. Not even a bench to sit on. It was June - dead winter. I was so cold I cried. I could not bring myself to use the filthy, lice-infested blankets so I just lay on the icy floor and cried quietly.I came out on bail and the case took 7 months to go away - and thousands and thousands in legal fees. All because I went binge drinking to get over the shock of my lover getting engaged. Then the weeks leading up to his wedding, I thrice failed to pitch for work for crucially important client jobs and got fired. I was in a crippled emotional state at home - unable to rise from the bed, unable to take calls, some days I didn''t even bath. I got fired for losing the company an international client. The actual day of his wedding, I cried and cried and cried until I passed out.Thruout all this - I never stopped sleeping with him. Not thru the engagement period, not in the week of the marriage and we started again straight after he returned from the honeymoon. I didn''t stop sleeping with him during either of the wife''s pregnancies. When she was in labour at the hospital with the first child and was taking a while to deliver, he came over to my place and we had sex as I lived right near the hospital.He then went straight back to the labour ward.In March this year I literally had a physical and mental breakdown. I came out of hospital shaken and confused. I had some time at home to think and yes I did want to see my lover - but it slowly dawned on me that the number one stressful thing in my life was living a horrible lie - being a dirty secret and a thing of utter shame. I then thought of all the times he could have chosen me and didn''t. Ten years of opportunity. I thought of the way he would visit me in different cars - out of shame of being associated with me. The way he would only come in the dead of night - out of shame. The way he would not greet me in public - out of shame. I realised I had met this man as a woman, but in 10 years had been reduced to a ''thing''. And sitting at home, in that shattered state, I sent him a text and said to him, ''I am worth more than this. I am worth more. Not only am I worth more - your wife is worth more than this and your children are too. I love you with all my heart - but I am worth more than the shame, guilt and pain that comes from being in this affair with you. Goodbye forever.''All my previous attempts to break up had said ''This has to end, its X number of years now, this is crazy! We must be like drugs to each other huh? Don''t u think its time to wean?'' This last text I sent was different in that it revealed the fact I had finally realised my worth as a woman. Yes to some ppl I am a b*tch, a whore, a prostitute, a homewrecker - whatever you want to label me. And I thought these exact same things of myself, which is how I was able to open my legs for a married man. The day I stopped calling myself those names and told myself I was a beautiful and precious being - even though I had a shameful past - is the day I was able to walk away from him. It can only be done, when you see some worth in yourself. Deep inside I thought I was worthless, and thus subconsciously put myself in a situation where for ten years, I was treated as such. Reply to Estelle Posted by: Cindy | 2012/05/08 Maybe she won''t reply cos people were nasty to her the last time she posted.Regardless, I am very proud of you for ending it Esty, and realising your self-worth.Chin up!! Reply to Cindy Posted by: A | 2012/05/08 I am proud of you Esty.How are you doing? Is he still trying to contact you? Reply to A Posted by: Cindy | 2012/05/08 Hi EstyI am so curious - How did you eventually end the relationship? Reply to Cindy Want to comment? 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