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Question
Posted by: Nonnie | 2011/01/18

Tired of it all

Jeez, don''t even know where to start...I know that there are people that are worse off and I should be more grateful. Recently got out of a 19 year emotionally abusive marriage, have my kids with me, have a good job, have a decent place to live, pay my own way. Ex husband tricked me into believing that he changed, I went over to his place to prepare a surprise for the kids. Surprise, surprise, he drugged me, raped me and then tried to gas me. I got a protection order against him, but unable to serve it as he has to receive it in person and is currently away on business. Told my family and boyfriend. Family took it hard, boyfriend did not understand why I trusted ex more than him. Ended up in hospital, on antidepressants and sleeping tabs. Had tests done, thankfully all clear of any STD/Hiv. Stopped taking meds as it makes me suffer terrible headaches and earache. Waking up at night with terrible nightmares of the incident as I feel that I have lost out on the time that I was drugged and cant recall anything that happened. Back at work, but still very tearful at times. I can''t forgive him for what he has done to me and have terrible thoughts of revenge. I can''t forgive myself for being so stupid to have believed that he had changed. I can''t understand why my boyfriend could not offer to be more understanding. I was honest with him, but he told me that he can''t shrug the thoughts of what happened when I was drugged by my ex. I am so tired of taking care of others, first my siblings, my mother, my ex husband, my kids. I am so desperate for someone to actually take care of me, just to be there. I suppose it is difficult when one seems so independent and strong to the world, but inside it is just one big mess of insecurities and uncertainties. I cannot afford to go back to see a shrink as varsity reopened and I have to register my two kids so I would rather budget for their expenses (shrink consultations don''t come cheap). I know that I should probably take care of my mental state first, but who is going to help me when I run into difficulties with their tuition fees. Then I will be back into another depressive state. Sorry for ranting, but I am just so tired...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Headaches and earache ( especially ) are unusual side-effects of ADs. The sort of drug he may have used in his attack on you commonly causes amnesia for the duration of their effects. Is this why you did not lay criminal charges against him ? Your description sounds as though you do remember at least some of what went on.
Other than kids, stop taking care of everyone else, and start properly taking care of yourself. And stop beating yourself up for having believed that your ex had changed ( met any spotless leopards lately ? ) - and simply resolve to never allow that to happen again and move ahead.
And make sure a Maintenance Court fixes a proper sum of maintenance for your ex to have to pay for the sake of the kids.
And you did NOT deserve what you got, though you must learn from it not to believe highly unlikely claims from a louse like your ex.
As Eric says, check out support services for rape / assault victims, and groups like POWA for abused women. THis could help you to find help without the high costs you wish to avoid

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Eric | 2011/01/19

I agree with Ship and Happiness. Why did you not report this to the police and bring criminal charges against him? It sounds like you need trauma counselling and I am sure there must be a victim/rape support organisation you can go to for support.

Reply to Eric
Posted by: Happiness | 2011/01/19

Nonnie,

You didn''t get what you deserve! You don''t deserve bad things happening to you, no one does. But they happen anyway and the challenge is to work through them with courage.

I think you need to find yourself a supporting structure. It can be friends or family. Make sure you only keep the company of people who have your best intrest at heart.

Beating your self for being stupid is not gonna improve your situation in anyway. You are much better than that. Be strong.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Nonnie | 2011/01/19

Thanks for your comments. Guess I got what I deserved. Life goes on and I have to deal with it. Thanks to Ship also for the kind, encouraging words.

Reply to Nonnie
Posted by: Ship | 2011/01/19

Dudes,

She went to surprise the kids coz she is a giving person and believed her ex had changed, so took the chance, don''t kick a dog when it''s down.

Nonnie, you have my sympathy. Don''t ever trust your ex again, he is not worthy of your relationship anymore. He had his chance and buggered it up big time. He sounds deranged, keep as far away from him as possible. He must, however, take responsibility for his kids and help you pay tuition. Try to get a maintenance order and get in enforced so that he will be put in jail if he fails to pay. If he gets to jail, he will get back everything he has done to you - he will be gang raped and be left for dead.

You could also perhaps apply for bursaries for your kids. Maybe the university has a special fund for single parents, I dunno, give it a bash.

If you can save on tuition fees, then you will have enuff to see a shrink, as I think you need to talk about this and put it behind you.

What did he drug you with? Methinks he watches too many movies......

Take care, look after yourself sista!

Reply to Ship
Posted by: Anon | 2011/01/19

You have a boyfriend but went to visit your ex husband because he said he changed. I hope your boyfriend LEAVES you. He is innocent and I hope he realises even if your ex changed, what then? You woudl have left your boyfriend.

I am sorry for what happened, and yes, your ex must be brought to court and jailed. But you dont deserve your boyfriend.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/19

Headaches and earache ( especially ) are unusual side-effects of ADs. The sort of drug he may have used in his attack on you commonly causes amnesia for the duration of their effects. Is this why you did not lay criminal charges against him ? Your description sounds as though you do remember at least some of what went on.
Other than kids, stop taking care of everyone else, and start properly taking care of yourself. And stop beating yourself up for having believed that your ex had changed ( met any spotless leopards lately ? ) - and simply resolve to never allow that to happen again and move ahead.
And make sure a Maintenance Court fixes a proper sum of maintenance for your ex to have to pay for the sake of the kids.
And you did NOT deserve what you got, though you must learn from it not to believe highly unlikely claims from a louse like your ex.
As Eric says, check out support services for rape / assault victims, and groups like POWA for abused women. THis could help you to find help without the high costs you wish to avoid

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Sara | 2011/01/18

Kids are varsity age.
You are divorced.
You have a boyfriend.
Why would you NEED to visit your ex husband at all.
If I was your boyfriend I would also be questioning my level of support for u.

Reply to Sara
Posted by: Nonnie | 2011/01/18

No joke, believe me. Please read on and reply. I don''t know what response I am looking for. He connected some pipes to the car or something into the room where he had me. I only recall begging him to let me go when I woke up after more than 5 hours and he told me that he was planning on killing either himself or both of us.

Reply to Nonnie
Posted by: HaveYouMetMyClone? | 2011/01/18

" Ex husband tricked me into believing that he changed, I went over to his place to prepare a surprise for the kids. Surprise, surprise, he drugged me, raped me and then tried to gas me" 

Thats pretty much when i just stopped reading. What response are you looking for? Exactly how did he try and gas you?
Is this a sick joke?

Reply to HaveYouMetMyClone?

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