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Question
Posted by: neil | 2010-02-25

Tired of having to beg for attention and forgiveness

I am tired of having to beg my wife for any attention what so ever.

This all started when she was pregnant, she said I didn''t support her enough and didn''t help. I don''t feel that that is the case but granted maybe she needed more and I didn''t give her more. For the past 20 months she hasn''t touched me or made any effort of giving or showing any affection towards me. She is very affectionate to our son (1year old) I tried pushing to make up that didn''t work. I gave her space as well that also didn''t work. We watched porn together before she was pregnant and she had no issue with it. No she says I have been unfaithfull in the past and she doesn''t want me close to her and she doesn''t see us as a family anymore. I maybe a bad husband or lover but I was never unfaithfull. I am ready to through in the towel as I am yearning for any attention from anybody at this stage. I am feeling so alone and unloved. What can I do to improve my relationship with her and maybe save it if I can. I realy love her still and wish to save our relationship. I am just at wits end I don''t know what to do anymore. I am seeing a shrink to see what I am donig wrong but its not help as our relationship is going backwards faster than what I can fix it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its ironical, isn;t it, how often people who exoect attention ( she complained that you "didn't support her enough" )may not be particularly good at Giving attention to others, and may give less to others as a failing tactic when they themselves want more.
But if she is complaining that you were unfaithful when you actually weren't, one wonders what's the origin of this complaint. Is it simply her assumption as an explanation for the lack of support she perceived during the pregnancy ?
Wouls it be possible to persuade her to join you in mariage counselling ? That would surely be the best chance to understand each other better and to estimate what might be reparable.
As Maria says, thi could well be PND or oher Depression on her side, and needing and deserving intervention on her side.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Dude | 2010-02-26

Always try and sort things out, you love her and deep down she loves YOU!! Talk to her, listen to her side of the story and when she is down you say your side. STOP the porn if its such a big thing for her, she could be deppressed or something is wrong.

Dont let poor communication break the two of you up, besides you would be in the marriage if you didnt love her and their is that little child of yours that you need to consider.

Also let her know that you have needs that need to be satisfied! Very important.

You sound like a good guy, romance her, maybe thats what she needs

Best of luck

Reply to Dude
Posted by: Maria | 2010-02-25

Shame Neil, that''s heartbreaking. You need to have a serious talk with her then, you also have needs that must be met in your marriage. It sounds silly, but get a book called the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, it might help you identify what she is missing and what you need. Your wife however must want to make an effort from her side, you cannot go on like this. Strongly encourage her to have a medical checkup and to join you in therapy.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: neil | 2010-02-25

Thanks Maria

The stranges thing is that I am doing all that and just smile and retry when she is nasty with me. I am just exhausted of trying for these past months with no results. I will pursevere but its getting at me.

Reply to neil
Posted by: Maria | 2010-02-25

Neil perhaps the problem is not you? Your wife may be suffering from PND or her libido might be influenced by post pregnancy hormones and the exhaustion of caring for a baby. It would be a good idea for her to go for a full physical checkup, and for both of you to see the counsellor separately and together. Other than that, just try to love her. Do things for her that perhaps you used to do when you first fell in love - leave a chocolate heart and note on her pillow, bring her coffee in bed if she likes that, do the dishes when she doesn''t expect you to, suggest that she goes to see a movie or have a facial while you look after the baby, compliment her on how beautiful she looks... It will be hard, but try for a few weeks to just love her in various ways without putting pressure on her, and see what happens. It takes two to keep a marriage going, I really hope your guys get it together. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-25

Its ironical, isn;t it, how often people who exoect attention ( she complained that you "didn't support her enough" )may not be particularly good at Giving attention to others, and may give less to others as a failing tactic when they themselves want more.
But if she is complaining that you were unfaithful when you actually weren't, one wonders what's the origin of this complaint. Is it simply her assumption as an explanation for the lack of support she perceived during the pregnancy ?
Wouls it be possible to persuade her to join you in mariage counselling ? That would surely be the best chance to understand each other better and to estimate what might be reparable.
As Maria says, thi could well be PND or oher Depression on her side, and needing and deserving intervention on her side.

Reply to cybershrink

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