Our expert says:
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
Hi to you PMN, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.
Anal sex should never be painful! Pain is an indication that your anal muscles - two muscles that surround your rectum - are not sufficiently relaxed to allow comfortable penetration. You have conscious control over the outer sphincter muscle (surrounding the opening to your ass) but not over the inner muscle - and unless you are both physically and mentally relaxed the inner muscle will remain stubborn and uncooperative. Even concern about a condom breaking inside you could keep that inner muscle tense. Many people feel guilty or ashamed of wanting or having anal - please read an article called 'Part 1: The anal taboo', in the articles attached to the forum (a link appears above).
How to relax your ass? Make friends with it! Teach, train and gently coach it to accept and to enjoy being penetrated. Find a very private and comfortable space, make sure you are relaxed and comfortable and literally play with yourself - using PLENTY of lube gently explore your anal area with one finger. Get used to and allow yourself to enjoy the sensations. Finger yourself - very slowly and gently - and you'll feel the inner sphincter muscle... when you sense it tense up back your finger off slightly and then go back there again. Always slowly and gently. With time and lots of play your ass will learn not to tense up when it is being penetrated. Move on to two fingers and go through the same process.
Then maybe let a partner simply play with there, very slowly and gently, using one and then two fingers - as soon as you feel any sense of discomfort he must back away from that area slightly. Make sure that both you and your partner understand that this slow and sensual anal massage will not lead to penile penetration, and that there's absolutely no reason for your ass to feel anxious.... the entire point is to get your muscles trained to relax. And while he's massaging you become familiar with different sensations from your prostate.
Sure you can buy a toy but start with something on the smaller side - maybe a smallish butt plug. You can always graduate to larger toys as your ass becomes more accommodating.
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