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Question
Posted by: Mrs. Doubtfire | 2011/10/10

This is really disturbing to me!

I am a regular viewer on this site and it is becoming so disturbing to me that more and more women are dating/ marrying men that have children and the want nothing/ little to do with the kids! I am married to a man with three kids from a previous marriage, and they are welcome in OUR home at anytime (yes, it is neither my home nor my husbands home, it is OUR home). It is disturbing to see that so many women are saying that their husbands kids should live with the mother and only come visit their father (and if applicable, step siblings) WHEN IT SUITS THE NEW WIFE. What on earth are these women thinking, trying to stand in the way of a father and his kids? My husband adores his children and I would NEVER, EVER say to him, ‘ they can’ t come visit’ - it is not fair to the kids and to their father!!! Really, a marriage is a partnership and it IS selfish, no matter how much they try convince themselves it isn’ t, to not want the kids around too often. There is no I or ME in the word partner! And, unless the man is starting to neglect the family financially, it is not up to you to decide how he spends HIS money. If the kid needs a haricut, LET THE KID HAVE A HAIRCUT!!! If the kid needs to go to the doctor, LET THE KID GO TO THE DOCTOR! Did it ever occur to you that maybe it is part of the divorce settlement, for your new husband to pay for these kinds of things? Did it ever occur to you that it makes your boyfriend/ husband HAPPY to look after the child like that, even if you think it’ s the ex? If you knew the man had kids, and you weren’ t prepared to deal with him, why did you marry/ date the guy? Shame on you!!! To all these women that are posting that the step kids are a burden, financial or otherwise, here is a tip- DON’ T MARRY THE MAN/ DIVORCE THE MAN!!!!! Don’ t punish the innocent children because YOU don’ t want to be inconvenienced by them!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Mrs D you raise some excellent points. Anyone who dates, let alone marries, anyone with children, must recognize that those kids are part of the deal - they are inescapably a part of that person. If you dotn't like or can't accept the kids, the relationship is OVER. And to conceal this deermination to minimize contact with the existing kids until after a marriage is dishonest as well as unfair.
Otherwise, it's like marrying someone and then insisting that they MUST be taller.
And don't the spouses you describe realize that if they can push their spouse into neglecting his/her own existing kids, why should they expect him to be more consistently loving for any kids they might produce together ?
OK, it is legitimate for a couple to be concerned if the biomom or biodad is neglecting the kids, if they're not pulling their own weight, if the kids might be at some sort of risk when with them, and so on. But those would be concerns for the well-being of the kids, not the selfish interests of the new spouse.


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Our users say:
Posted by: Tactical | 2011/10/10

Before l married l never dated a man with kids because any one can see it brings a whole can of worms.l was never prepared to deal with another womans off spring. lts hard enogh dealing with my own.

Reply to Tactical
Posted by: Obvious | 2011/10/10

The truth will hurt many of these women and so it should!
If you dont want step kids do not marry n who has fathered children with someone else lt really is that simple........

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/10

Very well said indeed, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/10

Mrs D you raise some excellent points. Anyone who dates, let alone marries, anyone with children, must recognize that those kids are part of the deal - they are inescapably a part of that person. If you dotn't like or can't accept the kids, the relationship is OVER. And to conceal this deermination to minimize contact with the existing kids until after a marriage is dishonest as well as unfair.
Otherwise, it's like marrying someone and then insisting that they MUST be taller.
And don't the spouses you describe realize that if they can push their spouse into neglecting his/her own existing kids, why should they expect him to be more consistently loving for any kids they might produce together ?
OK, it is legitimate for a couple to be concerned if the biomom or biodad is neglecting the kids, if they're not pulling their own weight, if the kids might be at some sort of risk when with them, and so on. But those would be concerns for the well-being of the kids, not the selfish interests of the new spouse.


Reply to cybershrink

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