advertisement
Question
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2010/06/08

The Unexpected Sadness

Hi CS,
My ex is no longer with us, he passed away on Saturday at the young age of 41, 2 weeks prior to his b-day. We had spoken 2 days prior to his death, it was such a nice conversation, there were no accusations, no biting remarks, no nastiness, just talking, we even joked about getting together when we were 80 and no-one could interfere and cause problems, but that will now never be. He died alone, no-one was with him, in a bathroom/toilet, public place, it is so sad.....
I don''t know how I should feel, but I feel absolutely miserable, I know he caused a lot of bad things in my life, I know he was not good for me, but I have a little boy of 4 with him, how on earth do I tell him that his Daddy is dead, how on earth do I tell him that he had no where to go, that noboby wanted him, that he died alone, that I was such a bitch, that I drove him away, okay, he hurt me, but couldn''t I maybe have been more lenient, more giving. I feel broken, like a piece of me has died. I loved him, I hated him, I wanted him, I didn''t want him, he destroyed me, he built me up, he broke me, he made me, he left me, he destroyed me.
I don''t know what to do, how to feel, what am I.....it feels like I don''t exist, why is that? What am I doing? I know my children need me but I want to grieve and everyone thinks it is wierd for me wanting to grieve for someone who caused me so much pain, is it? I did love me even though I did hate him.
CS am I nuts?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT,
Its genuinely good to hear from you, but I'm sad to hear of the sad situation that has arisen.
Naturally you feel very sad - this man was capable of many bad things, but also of loving goodness at times, and so your relationship was ambivalent, the sort that is hardest to adjust to in loss. And, being the really nice person you are, you feel sad for the good that was in him, among the bad things. And because his chosen way of life made him a loner and perhaps alienated other people he had known, you may feel almost a sense of obligation to mourn extra for him, because maybe there's nobody else to do so ?
And your little boy represents what was good in him, and in a way, that remains alive, through the boy.
Get this into proportion. You never were, and are not, any sort of bitch. You were more lenient and forgiving towards him than almost anyone else on earth was or would have been.
And being "lenient" wasn't good for him - it helped him to evade responsibility for his choices and actions. You loved what was loveable in him, and hated what was hateful in him and in what he did.
He hurt you, many, many times, and had no good reason for doing so. You can appropriately grieve for the good in him and the few good things he did, and also to feel sad that someone capable of any good at all, was also capable of all the bad.
So no, you're not nuts at all. Let yourself grieve and work through that, with a counsellor's help if possible. If one tries to stifle such grief, it causes more problems.
As for talking to the boy, that's an important question in its own right. He does not need to know all the bad things, nor to be told about your inappropriate feelings of guilt.
What you tell him needs to be based on what he already knows, and how you know him to feel about his dad, who seems to have been so often absent from the boy's life.
You don't mention exactly how the father died - was it perhaps a drug OD ?
Talk to him about how he remembers his father, how the guy loved him ( the boy ) very much, but that he was a man who had problems and caused problems for other people. Say that his father became very ill recently, and that he died.
Then concentrate on hearing how the boy feels about this, re-assuring him that it is OK to feel however he does, to feel anger, disappointment, and sadness. Explore what he may understand about death, and reassure him that he remains very much loved, and that you have no plans to doe for a really long time, so you'll be around to care for him. And maybe plan together, a little ceremony just for yourselves, to remember and say goodbye to his dad - maybe light a candle, say a prayer, play some music he liked or remember some of the good times you may have had together.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/09

Jacki O - you need to post on a new post as I don''t think CS checks these once he''s posted his response...

Reply to anon
Posted by: Anon | 2010/06/08

Beyond Tired my heart goes out to you and yor family.

he''s dead now, he has no control over you anymore, Its not a awful thing to cry, cry all the way you want him.
Try to remember the good things you did together.


Reply to Anon
Posted by: Jackie O'' | 2010/06/08

Hi there Doctor...
I''m a very depressed person... I''ve been on Nuzak/Prozac for the past 5years.. Nowadays it seems like it doesn''t work anymore...
I had a very abusive childhood past..were assaulted by my own sister 3 times, were sexually as well as physically assaulted by a policeman (because i said no!), had financial difficulties in the past, bad relationships, were attacked by a man with a knife, lost my job once...etc... just a short history...
I was brought up by a great mother and good home, in spite of our abusive dad...
Now i have not only overwhelming thoughts of suicide anymore, but also of murder towards my sister... it''s like i cannot handle myself at times.. Doctor i know i''m a good woman and therefore i want help.. i stay in a small town and no one here knows of my problem... it''s only the anxiety i can''t always hide.. I BEG U - please help me..

Reply to Jackie O''
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/08

Hello BT,
Its genuinely good to hear from you, but I'm sad to hear of the sad situation that has arisen.
Naturally you feel very sad - this man was capable of many bad things, but also of loving goodness at times, and so your relationship was ambivalent, the sort that is hardest to adjust to in loss. And, being the really nice person you are, you feel sad for the good that was in him, among the bad things. And because his chosen way of life made him a loner and perhaps alienated other people he had known, you may feel almost a sense of obligation to mourn extra for him, because maybe there's nobody else to do so ?
And your little boy represents what was good in him, and in a way, that remains alive, through the boy.
Get this into proportion. You never were, and are not, any sort of bitch. You were more lenient and forgiving towards him than almost anyone else on earth was or would have been.
And being "lenient" wasn't good for him - it helped him to evade responsibility for his choices and actions. You loved what was loveable in him, and hated what was hateful in him and in what he did.
He hurt you, many, many times, and had no good reason for doing so. You can appropriately grieve for the good in him and the few good things he did, and also to feel sad that someone capable of any good at all, was also capable of all the bad.
So no, you're not nuts at all. Let yourself grieve and work through that, with a counsellor's help if possible. If one tries to stifle such grief, it causes more problems.
As for talking to the boy, that's an important question in its own right. He does not need to know all the bad things, nor to be told about your inappropriate feelings of guilt.
What you tell him needs to be based on what he already knows, and how you know him to feel about his dad, who seems to have been so often absent from the boy's life.
You don't mention exactly how the father died - was it perhaps a drug OD ?
Talk to him about how he remembers his father, how the guy loved him ( the boy ) very much, but that he was a man who had problems and caused problems for other people. Say that his father became very ill recently, and that he died.
Then concentrate on hearing how the boy feels about this, re-assuring him that it is OK to feel however he does, to feel anger, disappointment, and sadness. Explore what he may understand about death, and reassure him that he remains very much loved, and that you have no plans to doe for a really long time, so you'll be around to care for him. And maybe plan together, a little ceremony just for yourselves, to remember and say goodbye to his dad - maybe light a candle, say a prayer, play some music he liked or remember some of the good times you may have had together.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement