Posted by: Dilemma | 2009-07-23

The Pregnant Niece

I am engaged to be married to a wonderful guy. We both are divorced and have children from our previous relationships. When I had my kids, I had them before I got married, and from the way I was raised, it was never encouraged to have kids out of wedlock. My family made me raise the kids on my own even though they did help me alot. They however never praised, or even made things like baby showers for both of my kids. They do love my kids very much. Because of this, I felt the need to raise my kids the best way and now I know the responsibility of raising a child. I have worked hard to bring up the kids and I am very proud of the job well done.

My dilemma is this, my fiance' s niece is going to have a baby in about 2 months. She is not a child, as she is over 23yrs old. She had a job about 2 years ago in a store packing shelves and then was a cashier. She then decided to stop working because she decided that was not a job for a young adult. So her uncle (my fiance) decided to offer her money to study further, which she started doing, but eventually dropped out. A few months before she got pregnant, myself and her had a long chat about sex, HIV, STDs, prevention methods, boyfriends, pregnancy, the responsibility of raising kids and the importance of building up a way of earning and sustaing an income before having kids.

I thought we had covered everything, until she dropped the bomb... a few months later, she informed me that she was pregnant. I was so dissapointed to hear this and up to this day, I cannot understand what happened.

Anyway, her mother and the rest of the family wants to throw a surprise Baby Shower for her and I don' t think it is the right thing to do. I don' t want to seem as though I am encouraging what she has done. I will support her and the baby, but entertaining what she has done is something I feel I cannot handle. And therefore feel as though I shouldn' t be a part of this ' Baby shower' .

Is it wrong to feel the way I feel?

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Our expert says:
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She sounds an irresponsibkle young woman. NO job is "not a job for a young adult"-- what sort of job was she expecting ? And as pregnancy is avoidable, she should have been more careful, especially knowing that she could not support a child. I don't see a baby shower as appropriatwe, but this is a matter of etiquette rather than psychiatry ! There is certainly nothing wrong at all in how you feel, or min your choosing to express those feelings.
Its not about what a pregnany woman deserves, but what a carelessly pregnant woman deserves, and what the child deserves ( a mother who can properly afford to care for it ). Its excellent to invite friends to give gifts TO and FOR THE BABY, rather than to the mother.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2009-07-23

Every woman pregnant for the first time, deserves a baby shower. Whether they' re married or not. Remember that most of the stuff a woman gets at a baby shower is actually for the baby - not for her. How can you say you support her, yet say that she shouldn' t have a baby shower. Sure you don' t want encourage young women to get pregnant BUT if they' re already pregnant its too late to discourage them. Besides, if you will be supporting her financially as well, it will only cost you less in the end if she has a baby shower and can stock up on baby things paid for by other people.

As for attending the baby shower - no-one is going to put a gun to your head and tell you to go. If you don' t want to go, you don' t need to go. Although this might make it seem as if you' re unsupportive. Remember that it is TOO LATE for discouragement to work. Unless you want her to give the baby up for adoption and if you do, you can only make your opinions known. You can' t force her.

Just IMHO.

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