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Question
Posted by: Help | 2011-01-10

The other " woman" 

I am married for 6yrs now and have a good relationship with my wife, thing is we acted more like brother and sister after we had a horrible year in 2007 so much that we would talk only about our childrens happiness and the wellbeing of each other, we give each other loads of free space/times, and then tend to cling to each other for the period after that, I see nothing wrong with our relationship as it is build on complete trust and honesty, we communicate well in advance wrt to outings with friends or family but rarely go together as husband and wife even to mom and dad like we did in our first three years of marraige, were rarely have fights and can laugh and play for hour, people admire our marraige and family life, but I am a bit concerned, is this healthy or not, plus I get a lot of comments from friends about my wife and how she handle herself when I am not around, should I read anything into it? Are we too trusting on each other? Will this lead to bad times in the future when we get older...I am 29yrs she is 27 years old

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

The central issue in a relationship is whether it is satisfying to both parties, and perhaps whether it is maximally so, or whether there are unnecessary missed opportunities for growth. Maybe you have settled for a manner of relating that is comfortable and safe, rather than trying to find even more to enjoy. It sounds from your message as though the sexual and emotional side of relating has faded since the awful year of 2007 ? You may be content with what you have, but isn't there more which you used to have together - and is there any really good reason why you should not resume those areas of growth ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Help | 2011-01-11

Hi Maria
I see where you going with this, and yes I am worried about the situation,our kids are 6yrs boy and 3years girl, it seems to me that she has gotten everything that she dreamed of since we both come from relatively disadvantaged families (car, house,boy and girl, job). I will buy the book today and have a read at the weekend..thanks dear

Reply to Help
Posted by: Maria | 2011-01-10

What you have is a comfortable relationship but it''s not really a marriage. And the fact that you posted here tells me you are not satisfied with it. Why don''t you try " courting"  her again? Invite her out on a date. Cook her a special meal. Do something nice for her without her having to ask. In short, treat her as if you are recently married and still in the honeymoon phase. See what happens. I also suggest that you read a book called " The five love languages"  by Gary Chapman. Marriage counselling would be a good idea. There must be a balance in a marriage between doing things because *you* want to and doing things because *she* wants to. It sounds to me as if you guys have gone from the one extreme to the other, and need to move back towards the middle again. How old are your kids?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Help | 2011-01-10

Doc you correct when you say the sexual side of the relationship is somewhat on the thin side, but the emotional side is still ok but under question in some situations. We both are enjoying life as it is at the moment cause we do things that make ourselves happy, where before we did things to make each other happy, so when we do get the opportunity to spend time together we really genuinely are happy to be in each other company, but as a unit of husband and wife we do not grow, eg when I ask her to iron a shirt and she says no do it yourself I will do it with no why not''s - same with her if I get asked to wash her back. Only when absolute needed do we respond with sincerity. To say this is satisfying to me would be a lie maybe to her. I have mentioned this to her but she said we should not fix something that is not broken, but my gut is telling me if we experience something similar to 2007 our marraige would cease to exist.

Reply to Help
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-01-10

The central issue in a relationship is whether it is satisfying to both parties, and perhaps whether it is maximally so, or whether there are unnecessary missed opportunities for growth. Maybe you have settled for a manner of relating that is comfortable and safe, rather than trying to find even more to enjoy. It sounds from your message as though the sexual and emotional side of relating has faded since the awful year of 2007 ? You may be content with what you have, but isn't there more which you used to have together - and is there any really good reason why you should not resume those areas of growth ?

Reply to cybershrink

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