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Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/29

The other child

My husband has another child and eventhough this woman is now expecting her 2nd child (thank God for that), she still expects my husband to jump at every pls call me he gets. She sent a pls call me again last nite and this was to tell him that she is going to hospital today and that he must collect his daughter. This whole is driving me crazy, eventhough i knew about the child when we got married, but someone are just there to make the wifes lives miserable. To crown it all, we are not allowed to go on holiday without this child, because he feels she is being disadvantaged. We see her every second weekend and the mother will send him a pls call for any crap. I sometimes think that my husband is selfish and will do anything to please this woman. We have to kids and i cant understand how this child is disadvantaged because she attends a prvate school that we pay. The mother just provides a roof over her head. I''m aggitated when she spends the weekend by us and after all these years just cannot get used to this. Am i being childish? I just feel that too much is expected from me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Am I right that this woman's second child has a second father ? He may, depending on what happened and what was agreed between them, have varying degrees of obligations to her. But he MUSt have and accept obligations towards his child, and you should both expect and want that - would you rather than men had children willy-nilly with any woman, and then abandoned both ?
If the biomom has to go into hospital, wouldn't it be natural that he would perhaps want to take care of the child during that time ?
You seem to deeply resent the child who is totally inocent and blameless. Is it her fault that he chose to impregnate her mother ?
Is your husband really, selfishly, trying to pelase this woman ? Or looking after his child, who deserves love and care ?
If it deeply affronts and bothers you that a man already has a child with another woman, you shouldn't marry him.
If the biomom is again pregnant, but by some other guy, she sounds irresponsible and gormless, and hardly a capable planner. She sounds barely capable of properly taking care of herself, let alone a child, let alone 2 children.
Good comments, esp from Nonni and Jessica. It is important to discuss this calmly with him, though, as he must recognize that there need to be limits on the extent to which the biomom is exploiting the situation - it's about what the child needs, not what the mother wants. Maybe she's an awful mother - that's HER fault, not the child's.

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Our users say:
Posted by: MissB | 2011/10/03

@Jessica - i think that you are taking this very personally as you said due to your own experiences. howeverm you need to keep calm and realise that everyone is different and reacts in their own way to different situtaions. Anon does get aggitated - but unless she actually mistreasts the child, he agitation is a personal reaction that she probably buries for fear of upsetting her husband if she shows her emotions, the child may pick up on that regardless as children are extremely sensitiv and able to sense emotions, but may not necessarily understand where it comes from.
situations like these are not just Black and White, it''s a constand Grey area of not knowing where you stand and what will happen next, and especially not knowing where to draw the line...@Jessica - you say that this is a touchy subject for you, imagine what it''s like for Anon, who lives with this daily, you do not know what went on with your step mother and your father, there is so much more than what children see, and what they think they know.
the benefit of the doubt has to be given and support as guidance.
it''s easy to let your emotions run away with you in situations like this, which is why we turn to Forums like this one, where we can get constructive criticism as well as support and guidance into the right direction.

Reply to MissB
Posted by: Jessica | 2011/09/30

You don''t see anything wrong with getting agitated with the child? Is it HER fault that her mother is like that? Is it HER fault that your husband obviously doesn''t know where to draw the line?

How do you know that she isn''t picking up on your agitation? Children are very aware and you may very well be making her uncomfortable, even if she doesn''t say anything.

This is a very touchy subject to me- my parents are divorced, we went through very hard time and there were lots of times when my step mother didn''t want us around, didn''t want my dad to help, etc. It is PAINFUL to the child to be punished for the mother''s mistakes/ attitude, etc.

If you shudder to think what morals will be taught to the children, do you not think that it is a good idea for the child to spend lots of time with you and her father so A) she doesn''t have daddy issues when she is older and B) you can teach her good values?


What I''m saying is, if you have a problem speak to your husband and if he has no problem, leave it be. Again, it is not your place to decide how he looks after his child.

Reply to Jessica
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/30

Miss B, I canb relate to your situation because its exactly what happened to us. This woman and I will say it trapped my then boyfriend and thought by getting pregnant that he mught marry her. My parents also got divorced and I can honestly say my mum brought us up and I dont ever remember her playing mind games with my dad if he was late with maintenance, etc. I have grown attached to his child but I feel that her mother is exploiting us and will try anything &  everything to abuse this situation.

Jessica, this woman cant even comb her daughter''s hair and we have to take her to a salon to have it braided when she visits us. Yes,I do sometimes get agitated when she is there and when she goes with us on holiday, I dont see anything wrong with that - as long as I dont make her feel uncomfortable, because if that was the case then the mother would have contacted her father and threatened to keep the child away. and for your info, I am also a product of a divorce and my mum &  stepmum had a lovely understanding and my mother NEVER abused the situation LIKE WOMAN DO NOW. Some woman of today will go out of their way to trap men and some dont even have morals - I shudder to think what values will be thought to their daughters.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/30

Am I right that this woman's second child has a second father ? He may, depending on what happened and what was agreed between them, have varying degrees of obligations to her. But he MUSt have and accept obligations towards his child, and you should both expect and want that - would you rather than men had children willy-nilly with any woman, and then abandoned both ?
If the biomom has to go into hospital, wouldn't it be natural that he would perhaps want to take care of the child during that time ?
You seem to deeply resent the child who is totally inocent and blameless. Is it her fault that he chose to impregnate her mother ?
Is your husband really, selfishly, trying to pelase this woman ? Or looking after his child, who deserves love and care ?
If it deeply affronts and bothers you that a man already has a child with another woman, you shouldn't marry him.
If the biomom is again pregnant, but by some other guy, she sounds irresponsible and gormless, and hardly a capable planner. She sounds barely capable of properly taking care of herself, let alone a child, let alone 2 children.
Good comments, esp from Nonni and Jessica. It is important to discuss this calmly with him, though, as he must recognize that there need to be limits on the extent to which the biomom is exploiting the situation - it's about what the child needs, not what the mother wants. Maybe she's an awful mother - that's HER fault, not the child's.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: MissB | 2011/09/29

I totally know where you are coming from. When my fiance and i started dating he had just broken up with his GF who had cheeted on him, shortly before meeting me he had met her one last time and they slept together and she cheeted on him again so they split properly. we had been dating for a few weeks when she came knocking on our door to say she was preganant and that he must now take her back. he accepted the child (we did a paternity test) and so did i , i even made the effort to be-friend her even though she was trying to get him back ( sounds like a day time soapy). we now have a child of our own, and yet, everytime she shouts jump, he says how high, she has quit her job and moved back to her parents, by choice and is demanding more maintenance whlist she has put thier son in a private school. meanwhile, he doesnt pay for a thing towards our daughter, my family pays for her school, he medical aid, all medical bills, i buy he all her clothes, shoes and toiletries, my parents even pay for my car, all he does is pay half the rent and helps towards food. he did not even get her a present at her last birthday or contribute towards her party....its selfish because he feels guilty - i guess your husband feels the same way - they feel that the child is disadvantaged because they are not with their dad, but how is that our fault or our children''s fault...you are not the childish one, he is. He cannot see past the fact that he has a new life with you and your children together, that does include his other child, but it certainly is not an open door for the mother of the child to abuse the situation and come in between the family that you have now built with your husband, she needs to know that there is a line that should not be crossed.

Reply to MissB
Posted by: Same | 2011/09/29

At Jesicca, my husbands ex never does the following for the child - waking the child up, making the child breakfast, taking the child to school, helping with homework, taking the child to doctor when he/ she gets sick, providing support when the child fights with their friends, etc. etc. we do all of that execpt for waking and breakfast which I doubt she does either, she is only a mother on Mothers Day, actually not even...

Reply to Same
Posted by: Jessica | 2011/09/29

Anon and Same, my message is going out to both of you. If your partner has a child- you have to accept that GRACEFULLY. Not just " put your feelings aside" . You have to realise that children get sick, they get needy, etc. etc. and it is NOT up to you to say when your husband can and cannot look after his child- even if you think it is a stupid reason. Being a single mother is HARD despite the circumstances and it is not for you to judge. You would expect the same, would you not? You would expect your ex to support his child?

Putting a roof over a child''s head is not just that- your husbands are providing FINANCIAL support mainly, but they are not the ones waking the child up, making the child breakfast, taking the child to school, helping with homework, taking the child to doctor when he/ she gets sick, providing support when the child fights with their friends, etc. etc. They are not there for the DAILY role being a parent plays.

Anon, you are being selfish, by getting agitated at the child when she visits, for being unhappy that she has to come along for holidays, etc- why do you WANT to deny the child a holiday with her father and step siblings? Why do you get annoyed when the child comes to visit? Do you resent her because she was even born?

I am being harsh, VERY harsh, but even your title - the other child- is an indication of how you feel about her.

You clearly are not a product of divorce, and if you are, you clearly didn''t have any hardships.

Reply to Jessica
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/09/29

I just feel that, if you marry a man (or a woman for that matter) with kids and a past, you undstand and accept that your life is not going to be the same as a nuclear family and the ex is always going to be there grinding and nagging and causing trouble. If you cannot, then dont get married, because parents are always going to put their children above the new spouse. That''s a fact. And if they dont, then they are not worthy of the title parent.

I am sorry to be harsh, but, you either suck it up and live with it, because while the child is young, you will always have this. You can set boundaries to your privacy to a degree, but the ex is always going to be in your life. (puts a bit of a new spin on the " till death do us part"  bit doesnt it)

This child is your husbands flesh and blood, and if you love him, you need to find some kind of acceptance for the child and make her a part of your life.

As I said about the ex, your husband can set boundaries to protect your privacy, eg communicate only via email from the office and if she has something urgent that needs to be said, she can phone instead of sending a call me. When it ends up costing her money, she is less likely to phone for cr@p. Things like that. But this is something he must discuss with the ex.

Good luck, I know, blending is not easy at all.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: anon | 2011/09/29

thanks for your advise. Yes, the wheel does turn, she is now expecting BABY number 2 from a useless guy that does not even work. Thats how the cookie crumbles, if they are sick or have a fever etc. she will have to take care of it herself. Makes me think how she abused the situation when her daughter was a baby, phoned the father for any little ailment the child had. Lets see how she handles this and like you said I have to accept it and make the best out of this situation. Luckily they dont stay small forever!!!

Reply to anon
Posted by: Same | 2011/09/29

My husband also has a child from another woman before me whom he supports 100% and by 100% I mean food, cloths, schooling the list is very long the only thing his mother contributes to is the roof over his head during the week and she still gets a maintenance, you need to accept that will never change and I figured it out after many years and fights and moaning that he feels guilty that this child does not have the family that we have even though the child is with us all the time even in the week sometimes on all outings weekends etc and does not get any less than our kids together get, actually this child gets even more. And another thing is that the child mother will not change she knows that she will get this and that right with hubby and will continue to milk him as she knows his guilt, its so much easier when someone else is paying you know…  But having said that you need to accept and deal with it, I too understand your feelings to the child as you are associating it with the mother and her neediness to but please DON’ T let this consume you as it has me, you need to separate your emotions from the situation and just accept infact what I have done is basically ignore what is being spent be it time or money…  Its just easier that way oh and pray cause eventually the wheel does turn. Good luck

Reply to Same

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