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Question
Posted by: Happy married, But... | 2011/12/06

the first time i thought about cheating

Hi All
My problem is this. I have an extremely high sex drive for a man. I met my wife 7 years ago when we were both 27. I was a late bloomer, and have only had 2 sexual partners (wife included), although she has had many more. The sex for the first 4 years was incredible, as her sex drive was almost as high as mine - we just fit each other perfectly and knew how to please each other, and frequently did so up to 5 times per week, you name it - we did it. When it was time just to be together without the sex we were there for each other.
3 years ago got married and honeymoon pregnancy and.... her sex drive waned. Although we did try some funky things during the pregnancy. 15 months after the birth of our first child she had a miscarriage and we tried immediately for our number 2. So now we have two kids aged a little over 2 years apart with the youngest 7 months old, and the sex is almost non-existent. I masturbate 5-10 times a week. We both work and we both get up for the kids when necessary. She is not depressed by the baby blues and is not breastfeeding, but I feel like the few times she tries to have sex with me it is like she is only doing so out of obligation (and only missionary style). She says that 3 months ago she has been reliving her rape experience from when she was 21, and I have advised she seek counselling. I haven’ t had good sex from when she put that blasted ring on her finger.
I cannot live like this any longer. I love her to bits and she completes me in every aspect but sexually. I have been so bored with the few times we have sex for the last 20 months it has become an issue. because of the lack of sex at home I have a very good friendship with a guy at work, and, both of us having bisexual tendencies, I have found myself closer sexually to him (even though there has been nothing physical), than to my wife.
So the other day I try again, and 5 minutes into it she says its sore and cannot anymore, I do what any man would do and I go relieve myself, and while watching myself in the mirror, something snapped in me. Why, with a wife lying in bed do I have to do this? I have not been able to get an erection for 5 days now  I feel emotionally dead inside, have no appetite and have lost about 3 kg. I confronted her and she says “ how do you think I feel by not being able to satisfy you sexually” . She says she is worried I will have an affair with somebody, and she is worried it’ s going to be with a guy, even though I told her that I chose her, love her with all my heart, and nobody can come between us.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It seems that you really do love your wife and I would urge you to work through this problem if you want this relationship to work. Affairs are so destructive.

As a way of explanation it is important for you to know that, the average frequency for sexual activity in a long term relationship is 1ce or 2ce a week.It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

What is concerning though, is that you have mentioned that she is reliving a rape experience of a few years ago. If she has not received counselling regarding how to deal with this ordeal, it will in all likeliness, impact on your sexual relationship. I would urge her to see a counsellor to get help in dealing with this experience.

In addition to these changes, there have been other changes in your lives, two pregnancies and now caring for two small children and working which can cause her libido to take an even a bigger knock. It is important to make sure that you are both satisfied with the relationship - this includes asking her for feedback about how she feels/anything she'd like to improve, and likewise, you give her feedback and discuss what you would like to improve. Do this very gently!

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) it is important that both partners be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words she needs to know that your libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that hers is lower. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed. There are things you can do to show her that you understand that she feels that you see her as only being good for sex - the most obvious of which is - tell her more about the other things that you appreciate about her. Also don't go for the sexual organs (i.e. breasts, bottom, vulva) when you hold her in a non-sexual situation (e.g. first thing in bed, when she's washing up or doing something), and don't tell her how sexy she is in a non-sexual situation - tell her more about how attractive/beautiful/gorgeous she is etc rather than 'sexual descriptions'. This is not necessarily a rejection, although you are not alone in feeling this way, it's more about her own deprioritisation of sex which then means that you are requesting something which she doesn't feel able to give more of.

As long as there is flexibility, you may find that at times sex is more frequent, but there will also be times when it is less (and although you might not feel like it, you will survive and you will be no less of a man for it!) What's with counting frequency of sex anyway - what does it really mean if it's not meaningful/loving/playful? Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces their sexual interest; she may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because she's afraid it'll lead to sex. The best way forward is to drop the expectation, and go with the flow more. Talk to her about this so she knows she can relax a bit. She probably knows that you have a higher sex drive than she does, so maybe talk about ways that this can be met when she's not desiring it (a useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?). If it ends up with you 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating) more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as she could drive her response a little more to meet some of your needs.

It is essential however for her to first receive help regarding her rape trauma. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

10
Our users say:
Posted by: jo | 2011/12/08

Such wise words Roommate, pity people think of their own selfish needs before others. You want sex? Get divorced. You will be surprised that the grass isnt greener. But a cold and lonely life you deserve.

Reply to jo
Posted by: Roommate | 2011/12/08

Guys, I am referring to the guys that need more sex than what their wives are prepared to give them...
Move on, get out of the marraige and persue your needs to have random sex as and when you want it with whom you want it.
The wife (ex wife) will be fine. She will get over you in a month or two and maybe even find another man to love and care for, have fun with and grown old with.
You owe this to her. You cannot have sex outside your marraige, so please just move on.
Deceipt is so hurtfull. just move on please, for the sake of satisfying your sexual needs, and also for the sake of giving your wife the opportunity to meet a new, faithfull partner to love....... if nothing else.

Reply to Roommate
Posted by: Agree | 2011/12/07

To Roommate, you prove my point it is always the cheating party who is the evil one...but no one ever considers why they are cheating. And no i have not been waiting for 5 years for the oppertunity to present itself...i have been patient, understanding and supportive for 5 years...yes perhaps you are right perhaps i do discuss my wife for her NOT to want sex with me...perhaps it could be the depression, the lack of hormones...the continous working...etc...after more than 5 years of taking the moral high ground and saying no to opertunities that came my way. I have decided that i will not divorce my wife BUT i will also no longer say no to oppertunites and that does not include any prostitutes...i do love my wife...just like Happy...and i have tried everything at restarting the flames...but without success. You should fight for what you want in life but you should also know when the battle is lost. I have been cheated on by persons I have loved before..(on a emotional level and physical level) so i know the feeling...yet I continously took the moral high ground and today i am not satisfied...so it proves the point...good guys finish last!!!

Reply to Agree
Posted by: jim | 2011/12/07

Sorry - but unless you are in a marriage that has gone from normal to zero sex you can not make a useful comment on this. Taking the moral high ground is nice but totally useless. Remember men and women were created with sexual urges that can''t just be turned off because one partner just decides they don''t want it anymore.

Reply to jim
Posted by: Roommate | 2011/12/07

To Agree.......
Your wife lost interest 5+ years ago? You have been waiting for 5+ years for the " opportunity to present itself" ?
Just go to a whorehouse, get HIV and die a lonely old man. Why wait another 5+ years if you are so confident in giving such rubish advice to a man that loves his wife dearly? A man that has a problem that can actually be solved?
With your attitude I can well believe yo His wife certainly sound agreeable to do whatever it takes to solve this issue? I think you disguss your wife to the extend where she does NOT want to have sex with you.

Reply to Roommate
Posted by: Agree | 2011/12/07

Dont listen to these idiots...they are obviously not in any relationship or in a relationship where they get what they want.
They obviously have no idea what it feels like to go from hero sex to zero sex. My wife has been losing ineterest for various reasons over the past 5+ years...yet i have stuck around...tried everything to get things back on track...it is now at a stage where i just dont care anymore...and if the oppertunity presents itself i will take it. Woman are always these sexual beings until they get married then they lose interest...i can not understand why men are just expected to sit back and accept it....men are sexual beings and need to be fulfilled sexually. If your LIFE partner can not fulfill this then something needs to be done. Can you really expect a man to remain married and unhappy till death do us part...i think not!!!!

Reply to Agree
Posted by: A | 2011/12/07

@roommate : well said, i agree 100%. if he is that unhappy, leave. dont hurt her because you upset. dont be so selfish and appreciate what you have!

if you give in to your lust-ful desires you will be the one who ends up regretting it!

she gave you a family and now you want to blow it away because you cant have your way! Rather stand by her and help her through this diff time. that is what partners do!

Reply to A
Posted by: X | 2011/12/07

Hey Roommate you deserve a " bells"  well stated

Reply to X
Posted by: Roommate | 2011/12/07

You have what many others wish for ....... and money cannot buy this

" I love her to bits and she completes me in every aspect" 
" love her with all my heart, and nobody can come between us." 

My suggestion is that you get all the stupid thoughts from your mind and stop trying to justify why it would be " ok" to have an affair (with a man or a woman).

The two of you should seek councilling and she should go to a dr to have her hormones etc tested.

First do everything in your power to make things between you two right. Then, if you are still unsatisfied with the sex, AND IT STILL PLAYS THE MOST IMPORTANT ROLE IN YOUR LIFE..... move on, get a divorce and persue you sexual fantasies with others.
you cannot have it both ways as you will end up hating yourself and giving your wife deseases that she does not deserve.

Reply to Roommate
Posted by: sexologist | 2011/12/07

It seems that you really do love your wife and I would urge you to work through this problem if you want this relationship to work. Affairs are so destructive.

As a way of explanation it is important for you to know that, the average frequency for sexual activity in a long term relationship is 1ce or 2ce a week.It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

What is concerning though, is that you have mentioned that she is reliving a rape experience of a few years ago. If she has not received counselling regarding how to deal with this ordeal, it will in all likeliness, impact on your sexual relationship. I would urge her to see a counsellor to get help in dealing with this experience.

In addition to these changes, there have been other changes in your lives, two pregnancies and now caring for two small children and working which can cause her libido to take an even a bigger knock. It is important to make sure that you are both satisfied with the relationship - this includes asking her for feedback about how she feels/anything she'd like to improve, and likewise, you give her feedback and discuss what you would like to improve. Do this very gently!

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) it is important that both partners be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words she needs to know that your libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that hers is lower. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed. There are things you can do to show her that you understand that she feels that you see her as only being good for sex - the most obvious of which is - tell her more about the other things that you appreciate about her. Also don't go for the sexual organs (i.e. breasts, bottom, vulva) when you hold her in a non-sexual situation (e.g. first thing in bed, when she's washing up or doing something), and don't tell her how sexy she is in a non-sexual situation - tell her more about how attractive/beautiful/gorgeous she is etc rather than 'sexual descriptions'. This is not necessarily a rejection, although you are not alone in feeling this way, it's more about her own deprioritisation of sex which then means that you are requesting something which she doesn't feel able to give more of.

As long as there is flexibility, you may find that at times sex is more frequent, but there will also be times when it is less (and although you might not feel like it, you will survive and you will be no less of a man for it!) What's with counting frequency of sex anyway - what does it really mean if it's not meaningful/loving/playful? Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces their sexual interest; she may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because she's afraid it'll lead to sex. The best way forward is to drop the expectation, and go with the flow more. Talk to her about this so she knows she can relax a bit. She probably knows that you have a higher sex drive than she does, so maybe talk about ways that this can be met when she's not desiring it (a useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?). If it ends up with you 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating) more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as she could drive her response a little more to meet some of your needs.

It is essential however for her to first receive help regarding her rape trauma. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to sexologist

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