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Posted by: SR | 2008/07/18

The capacity of woman is amazing

Somehow the creator must have had a sense of humour when creating woman. Woman' s nurturing instincts will protect the relationship and family unit to no end, accepting even a cheating lover or spouse back time and time again.

This has always got me thinking about what the driving forces are? Is it security, is it territorial, is it emotional, is it the bond, is it the sex, is it a combination of all, is it some cosmic force that keeps people together regardless, what is it?

I read many posts about cheating and how the cheater is taken back time and time again and its so easy to do the judgemental thing and give advice for or against the guilty party. To what end does one deprive ones self of self respect and learning the lesson when the cheater carries on doing what comes easy because they know that there will always be a safe haven in the arms of the one who is being cheated on.

What is it ? I really need a woman to shed some light and their views on this matter.

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Posted by: Cols | 2008/07/18

I personally believe that the creator has an amazing sence of humour.... he makes women with this capacity to accept so much without reciprication.

I think it is the caring instinct all woman have - the need to look after someone, the need to be needed by someone and that eternal hope that we too can be happy.
But we seem to also have this forgetful streak - we did not always need a man to accomplish all these things - we just got use to having them there and now we are too scared to attempt anything with out them.

I am not married, and he has not cheated on me - I have other issues we are dealing with at the moment, from drinking and drugs to starting a family in his mothers house - but I know I suffer from that need to be needed, that want to be important to another and that fear that if it is not him then where am I going to find another or even is their another....

We are our own best friends and also our worst enemies. We know what we want (most of the time) but we are scared that if we allow the men to know we might show a weakness, or they might not see it the same way, or it might not fit into their " bigger picture" , so we keep quiet, we accept that we have to give up our things to keep them happy and in their " perfect"  picture.
Our capacity to always love them (no matter what they do to us) and our need to be needed puts us in a catch 20 position with no easy solutions ahead - all I can tell you is that we regret more the things we have not done than those we have.

Reply to Cols
Posted by: Zola | 2008/07/18

For me the reason to stay is hope. Hope that it will get better.

I stayed with my ex-husband hoping that one day he would realise that he is hurting me and that I am better than those kids (he was cheating with school girls, impressing them with cellphones and hotels). Instead it got worse and worse. After 4 years of hoping, I gave up. I wrote myself a letter, signed it and sealed it and promised myself that as long as that letter is sealed, that part of my life is sealed - I am never putting myself through that again.

Well, the letter about my husband remains sealed. But now I am dating a player that I keep going back to because again I am hoping that I am the one. But deep down in my heart I know I am wasting my time. Everytime I want to leave him I think, what if it is going to get better and I am giving up too soon? So, hope.

Reply to Zola
Posted by: Just me | 2008/07/18

SR,

I have also been cheated on and I too chose to stay in the relationship. In my case..I must admit..I was too humiliated to reveal this to my kids and my family. It came as a big shock cos no-one would’ ve expected HIM to cheat on me. We had a great relationship, so he had NO reason to cheat… Although we were living together, he did admit that he was scared of getting married etc…  I’ m 41, divorced for 9 yrs..he’ s 42 divorced 2 yrs when we met..
I was extremely hurt, and I attended counselling sessions..and I also asked myself ..what role did I play in this whole betrayal??? Although the cheating was not my fault… I most probably expected too much from the relationship… ??Still doesn’ t give him reason to cheat though..You see… if you really do research on each case..you’ ll find that each one is unique …  Also the fact that you going through all these emotions, one shouldn’ t make hasty decisions. In some cases, it would do more damage to leave ..than to stay. The fact that he’ s good with the kids… .the fact that he is a good provider..In my case..I would’ ve lost more if I had to leave… at the time. I’ m not sure what the future holds for me..or rather us as a couple..But this whole betrayal thing has made me so much more confident that if there is any hint of cheating in the relationship… it would be easier for me to walk away. But I am still bitter and find it hard to trust him ever again… And that’ s sad..cos this is definitely not the kind of relationship I dreamed about a few years ago. He is trying so hard to prove to me that he can be faithful… I’ m now allowed to check his cell, emails, etc… he’ s always calling me telling me where he is… what’ s he doing etc… But for how long?? .I’ m still very wary… And I have to agree. This relationship might turn out to be satisfactory..But it will NEVER be the same as it was before the betrayal. I’ m praying a miracle will happen and we can be happy together again… .If not..at least I know I tried… .

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Kendra | 2008/07/18

Treat them like dogs and they will follow you like puppies. Simple rule of life!!!

Reply to Kendra
Posted by: SR | 2008/07/18

Thanks Wife for that perspective. You have many reasons as to why you stay but cant really pin point it down to one particular reason. You think maybe " you always love those the most that hurt you" 

Reply to SR
Posted by: wife | 2008/07/18

well, i could say i am in that situation where hubby cheats and i chose to still stay with him, I dont know why, i sometimes feel i still love him and sometimes feel i dont love him anymore, not the way i used to. Maybe its bacause its difficult having to start alover again new life. plus most of the things i have he pays for them so leaving him means loosing a lot of material things. maybe its because out kids adore him and he also adores them and they are always happy when he is around. i dont have an answer myself and i have been asking myself that very same difficult question these past days.

A relationship without trust is not nice, one is not happy. i always worry and become misarable whenever he says he is going out to friends, in my eyes, he is going out to be with some chick. and this is not the life i want. i keep on telling him that but yet i keep on staying with him after he dared and done all that hurts me - why i really dont have one straight answer. and maybe its also because of the fact that men have been looked at with this eye that they are cheaters and have been told so and asked where am i going to get someone that does not cheat.

one sometime back told me i am lucky that i have a man that only cheats on me and provides me with everything, shows love to me and kids and never beats me up and abuses me and he tries to make sure that i do not find out about his cheating - is it so? is that the case? all man cheat? well i dont know. fear of the unknown i guess...

Reply to wife
Posted by: SR | 2008/07/18

Lolo that is exactly the same theory that is applied to the cheater. You could hold a gun to their head and ask them why do they do what they do and they still could not give you an answer

Reply to SR
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/07/18

that is difficult to answer you need to be in that situation to give someone a perfect answer, it also depends on the relationship issues and commitment.

i hope u saw the advert of Fruity 5 alive Juice, the lady coudn' t explain the tase of the juice when asked but instead gave the one with queation a tase of it.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: SR | 2008/07/18

Somehow this does not answer my question ..... I want to know about the capacity of woman who keep it together regardless

Reply to SR
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/07/18

here are the suggestions I' ve found most useful:

1. Stay Connected
Couples that disconnect emotionally are the most vulnerable to affairs. The main reason couples disconnect is because of the conflict that comes from talking about sensitive issues. Couples typically fight about sex, money, kids, time and in-laws. So instead of avoiding these topics, learning to talk about them is a way in which both people feel heard and understood. You don’ t have to agree. If you don’ t agree with your spouse, say something like, “ I don’ t see it that way, but I can understand how you do.”  When conflict comes up, learn to turn emotionally toward your partner and not away from them.


2. Set Boundaries
You can love someone and be attracted to someone else, even if you have a good marriage. Avoid situations that provide opportunities for affairs. For example, in the work world, don’ t create opportunities, especially during times when you’ re vulnerable. If you’ ve had a fight with your spouse avoid discussing it with someone that you’ re attracted to or work closely with on a regular basis. Call a friend, take a walk, contact a counselor.


3. Get Your Needs Met
Men and women have different needs and it’ s important for couples to know what their needs are. Women’ s primary needs are affection, conversation, openness/honesty, financial support, and family commitment. Men’ s primary needs are sex, a recreational companion, an attractive spouse, peace and quiet (domestic support that allows for that) and admiration. If your needs aren’ t met, you’ re much more vulnerable to an affair!


Reply to Lolo

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