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Question
Posted by: Sexless | 2008/06/23

Thank you - need more advice

Hi Cybershrink

Thank you for replying even though your heart is very sad at this time.

I found everyone's advice most helpful as well as CS. I need more advice. My boyfriend will not go to counselling never ever. I phoned him to meet him for coffee. He said that he is battling to make money and I just add more stress by wanting to have a stressful situation to make me happy. I got a bit angry and I said that is the problem - you want to live separate lives, but together. He retorted with its been like that for 11 years. I said I have been unhappy for 2 years and you cannot tell me on the phone now all is well and you are happy. He said things can be improved upon but he does not know how so you live with what you got. His exact words. He says your stress is your stress and mine is mine. I said thats the problem in that we live separate lives together, but if we had shared goals and worked together and sat down and spoke to each other maybe the stress would be shared and lessened. He said he does not feel like that but he will talk. I said we never talk, we just argue or shout and we never hear each other (and I admit I am guilty of this). I said we need to have a real honest discussion, graphically I said you need to tell me "I don't want to have sex with you because you got fat" (thats what he thinks/says in other words) or "I don't want to have sex with you because I think you are having an affair" (thats what I think/feel). I said we are both coasting along and we are going to break up thats for sure. I said we are losing what he had and it was special and it can be fixed. He said can it? I said if we sit down and talk - come to my study tonight. Then I lost it and I said angrily "you are not a baby that the world must improve before you can give attention to your relationship. I said I have problems too, but I deserve the best and whether you are busy or not you can take one hour out of your day to sit down and talk properly, openly and honestly with me. I said there is never going to be more money (it may get worse for the average SA) or less stress. He said when it is better then we talk. I said No, we talk now because I repeat neither of us are babies. I said do you think if we won the lottery big-time tomorrow it would all be fine? He said No. So tonight we are having that discussion. I don't know where to start or what to say. But I did say that neither of us may want to lose the other because we do not communicate. Please help and sorry if this is so messed up and long. I need advice.

Thanks anyone and the ones that already helped.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Yur concept o "separate lives lived together" is a brilliant description of this type of situation. It sounds as though you both actually do care about each other, but are communicating very inefficiently in a manner that worsens rather than solves problems, and thus which could be much helped by counselling.
As for tonight's conversation ( which should be seen as the start of a useful process, not the end of it ) work together to identify ( without seeking to apportion blame ) the issues and problems that trouble either of both of you --- aeas which could enjoyably be improved. Identify which you can see solutions for together, and where a professional counsellor could help make this process more efficient.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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