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Question
Posted by: Jason | 2010/03/25

Terrified of sex

Hello Doc,

I am a successful 27 year old male virgin and I am afraid of sex. While I do crave it BADLY I have serious issues around girls.

My life is working out very well and I enjoy being alive. I just cant get myself to trust anyone enough to get it on. Condoms are not 100% failsafe which does not help the matter.

Having been an " observer"  my whole life I have learned and seen how easy good people are manipulated into doing things that they would not normally do out of their own. Some take little effort while others require a substantial investment to create the right atmosphere that opens them up to anything.

Now whenever I meet a nice girl I can not help but think of how many other guys have been there and how many diseases she got from them. Establishing a long term relationship does not even help - cant watch the person all the time and girls love attention so there is no guarantee that she is not banging some sweet talking stranger that promised her the world.

Living a high-risk lifestyle already I really do not want to be taken out by an STD. That seems stupid in so many levels. Especially because I know better.

I know that this is very abnormal and that not all woman can be played but I just dont know what to do. Not even google can tell me how to fix this! :)

Thanks for reading

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

SOunds like you deserve to spend a while in counselling, to work on the various issues that are inhibiting you. It sounds as though you have a number of concerns, each of them realistic to a degree, but maybe carried a bit far, and with an inappropriate sense of helplessness and doom whereas you could surely cope far better than you seem to assume. You are being admirably cautious and responsible, just maybe to a degree further than is appropriate or useful for you
CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) is especially well able to help you rid yourself of inappropriately negative assumptions.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jason | 2010/03/26

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all the helpful comments!

Reply to Jason
Posted by: Nica | 2010/03/26

Sex was made to be enjoyed between two people who love one another and are MARRIED and commited to one another. I was 32 when I got married and I was a virgin. I love my hubby, I have never had sex with anyone else and I will never cheat on him.

There are lots of virgins out there that will insist to wait for marriage before having sex. Wait for the right girl to come along, get to know her, then marry her and only then have sex. That is the way God designed it to be.

Reply to Nica
Posted by: Woman | 2010/03/26

Jason, You have something from your past bothering you. You say " you can''t watch them all the time"  So I think you have experienced female infidelity. in some form.

Yes, you get cheaters, male and female. But the first step is to choose the person you sleep with carefully. Maybe you can try to trust them just a little at the start? Because in order to trust, it HAS to be there first. Learning how to trust is something that you will have to learn. You are responsible to sort out your own issues (with professional help if need be), you can not make a potential partner responsible for your issues.

There are many fabulous women out there. And for couples nowadays to have HIV/STD tests done before having sex is normal. And a decent girl won''t be worried to go with you.

However, you also need to realise that your chances of finding a virgin is slim. So you need to get rid of the idea that sex is dirty and disgusting out of your mind too. An experienced woman might be able to teach you a few very pleasurable things. Try to keep an open mind about it all... and relax :)

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/03/26

hi Jason,

I don''t think there is anything wrong with your fears, who would want to save themselves only to die for 2-minute fun. You sound like a man of principles, I respect that. I think its better to know that particular person you''re intrested in better first, sex aside. If she complains that if you don''t make sexual advances it means you don''t find her attractive, move on.

There is no dead line for having sex. I wish more young men were like you.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Jason | 2010/03/26

H

Nee ek is nie paranoid nie. Die pla my spesifiek want ek weet reeds hoe dit kan eindig en dit kan nie beheer word nie.

Reply to Jason
Posted by: Jason | 2010/03/26

Thanks for your comment M!

Reply to Jason
Posted by: H | 2010/03/26

en jy is oor alles in die lewe paranoies?

Reply to H
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/03/26

SOunds like you deserve to spend a while in counselling, to work on the various issues that are inhibiting you. It sounds as though you have a number of concerns, each of them realistic to a degree, but maybe carried a bit far, and with an inappropriate sense of helplessness and doom whereas you could surely cope far better than you seem to assume. You are being admirably cautious and responsible, just maybe to a degree further than is appropriate or useful for you
CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) is especially well able to help you rid yourself of inappropriately negative assumptions.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: M | 2010/03/25

Well done Jason! There is nothing to fix. If we just all did what you did &  considered the impact before having casual sex, maybe life would be much better.

Reply to M

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