Posted by: One of many | 2009-01-14

Tendency to self-destructive violence?

Today I was told about a news article that reminded me of a side of me that I don' t understand. Those who know me would say I' m the most patient person in the world, peaceful and caring. I am. I care about people, I am easily moved, I love children, I dream of a beautiful family one day... However, when I' m angry or frustrated (which doesn' t happen more than say once a month), I tend to have the most evil thoughts. Like killing and destroying the things I love most. Once just before an exam, I couldn' t understand a text, so I broke my glasses. I cried all day ' cause I really need my glasses and couldn' t afford having them repaired. Now I often think of going through the same painful experience. I get angry and the first thing I think of is my glasses. As if a devil inside me was trying to cause me as much damage as possible. The same was with my cat last year. I took care of her since she was 6 weeks old and God knows how much I loved her, more than my parents and sibblings, and I only had to give her away because I moved into a new country. But at times, when I was angry, I' d look at her sleeping, looking so innocent, and I' d picture myself killing her and burying her. I never did anything, ' cause I knew well I couldn' t take it if I ever did. But why? Why do these thoughts come? Why the things I love most? I' m so afraid of having kids now. I' m so afraid that I ever hurt them in a moment like this. What do I do?

I had a very violent childhood, I was spanked and my parents used to shout at each other and I was desperate and always thought of breaking something and making a lot of noise to make them see I couldn' t watch them any more. But how does one thing lead to this tendency to cause myself as much pain as I can when I' m angry? Even when my parents shouted at me for some reason, I used to think to myself " son of a bitch"  and then I' d bite myself as a punishment for thinking that.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, there's no devil inside you, but it doesmsound as though you could benefit from some proper CBT counselling to beef up your coping skills when under stress, so you could make better choices when you feel under pressure. This is espeially important because apparently, due to your exposure to violence as a child, you have both not seen good examples of coping, and have developed an ambivalent atitude towards violence, and this, too, should be dealt with in counselling. Proper psychotherpay is something you need and deserve

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: One of many | 2009-01-14

I forgot to mention one thing. I take no pleasure in destroying. When I do lose control, it' s just for a second. It' s one single movement like throwing something to the floor or pushing someone and the second after is full of regret and pain already.

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