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Question
Posted by: Jana | 2010/11/16

tell the truth??

I met this wonderfull guy which I love to death, he was a virgin when we met and we slept together so I am his first, when he asked me how many I have slept with I told him 4 including him which is lie, I have with 17 I am so ashamed of this and have asked forgiveness from God, is it really neccesarry for me to tell him the truth I had a bad and faithless life before him but all changed.I knw that the truth will kill him.
Do I need to loose the person I love by telling him the truth just to pay for mistakes I made in the past??

Please advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How very often variations on this situation seem to arise within this forum ( check the archives ). What probably mattered to him was to understand that you were experienced sexually, when he was not. What matters now is that if both of you are content together and that you have apparently changed from the person who was more promiscuous earlier in your life. Your history isn't necessarily something that a partner needs to know in any detail - its facts can't be changed. What matters right now is whether it has relevant implications for your present and future behaviour. Only if it is likely that the facts of the extent of your previous experience could come out unexpectedly through the remakrs of others, is it something you would need to seriously consider discussing calmly with him, including an explanation of how you have changed and how you feel about him.

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17
Our users say:
Posted by: p | 2010/11/18

what is so funny is that, if he slept with 100 girls before you, it would not be as much a problem. Eish ego ego ego.

Reply to p
Posted by: QQ | 2010/11/17

Let sleeping dogs lie. You have repented within yourself. No need to tell anyone, ever.

Reply to QQ
Posted by: opium | 2010/11/16

Seems to me the real answer is you have to tell him. its an issue with you face it your even reading the bible and applying its words to your situation. you have some big guilt issues aswell about the whole thing which will make it hard but you should at least discuss this thing with the guy, get it out in the open in a subtle way, dont mention number of partners just touch base.

i have yet to meet a person who " died from the truth"  lies on the other hand are much more deadly, trust me.

Reply to opium
Posted by: Jana | 2010/11/16

Thnx Rick but I most certainly am not and I also got tested 2 weeks ago at work so I knw this 100%

Reply to Jana
Posted by: Phil | 2010/11/16

Don''t tell him, trust a guy on this one.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Rick | 2010/11/16

Leave the past in the past where it belongs, no need to rake it up with him. None of his business either unless you are HIV+, then obviously he has to know.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Soul | 2010/11/16

I don''t see the need for you to tell him everything about your past, it''s in the past, he is your present. Everyone has done things that they not proud of but we learn from them we move on. You have prayed and asked for forgiveness God has forgiven you now you need to forgive yourself. You don''t need forgiveness from this man you commited no sin against him.

There are things in life that are personal and your partner need not know everything, trust me honey they don''t tell you everything.

Best of luck

Reply to Soul
Posted by: XXX | 2010/11/16

There is no reason to tell him as it can only cause heartache-just leave it and love him with all your being.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Lego | 2010/11/16

Jana. Please remember that you are worth much more than your past! Don''t ever let a man make you feel cheap or used or unworthy. But please be honest with him. I don''t think he should necessarily know the exact figure, but don''t lie to him. The truth always comes out later, and then the trust is destroyed. He should also understand that it is not the number which is important. The fact is that you are not a virgin anymore, but you have changed and is only committed to him. There are things in my wife''s past which I don''t like, but she chose me and is now 100% committed to me. That is all I need to know. And she is completely honest with me, without telling me all the details. I know she will tell me if I ask her, but what could I gain from that? Yes, sometimes my mind wanders and I think about it, but I just remind myself that I can choose to dwell in the past and loose an amazing woman, or I can just love her for who she is now and be happy! I choose the second.

Reply to Lego
Posted by: Well | 2010/11/16

Good question Huh?, u r still sleeping with a " boyfriend"  you are not married to him, so what if the relationship doesn''t work out? he will be added to the list of the men you''ve slept with.

Reply to Well
Posted by: Huh? | 2010/11/16

Hi Jana. Good on you! Sorry, didn''t mean to judge. Just could not understand the logic. I wish you all the best for the future! You made a good decision. I hope your boyfriend can see past your history.

Reply to Huh?
Posted by: two-stone | 2010/11/16

Jana - you sound as if you are a wonderful woman! The main thing is that you have changed completely and as long as you are true to yourself and your boyfriend, there is NO NEED to tell him at all, unless you think it could come out later from someone else. Make peace with your past - it was a different time in your life and its what you do now, that counts. Enjoy your life - you deserve it, ok!!

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: Jana | 2010/11/16

We did but we dont anymore

I read a scripture that put everything in perspective for me I didnt really grow uo in a stable home so no one ever spoke about these type of things with me?

Reply to Jana
Posted by: Huh? | 2010/11/16

Ok, this might come out wrong. But you said you " had a bad and faithless life before him but all changed."  My assumption is that you are talking about your sexual history. He is your current boyfiend, and you are sleeping with him... So what has changed? You are still having sex with your boyfiend like before. The only thing which has changed is that he now also has a history. Sorry, I just don''t get it.

Reply to Huh?
Posted by: Only me | 2010/11/16

No Jana, you dont have to tell him the truth if you are allready forgiven by God. You have changed wich is wonderfull and all that matters...you dont have to feel guilty or think you''re living a lie.
Take care..

Reply to Only me
Posted by: HUH | 2010/11/16

No dont tell him. If you have forgiven yourself put it behind you and move on with your great new life.

Reply to HUH
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/16

How very often variations on this situation seem to arise within this forum ( check the archives ). What probably mattered to him was to understand that you were experienced sexually, when he was not. What matters now is that if both of you are content together and that you have apparently changed from the person who was more promiscuous earlier in your life. Your history isn't necessarily something that a partner needs to know in any detail - its facts can't be changed. What matters right now is whether it has relevant implications for your present and future behaviour. Only if it is likely that the facts of the extent of your previous experience could come out unexpectedly through the remakrs of others, is it something you would need to seriously consider discussing calmly with him, including an explanation of how you have changed and how you feel about him.

Reply to cybershrink

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