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Question
Posted by: Hestia | 2011/05/10

Teens and sex

Hi Doc. I need a little advice. My best friend recently found out that her 15 year old girl is sexually active. The only reason she found out is because she told her elder sister that she thinks she might be pregnant. The eldest sister is in another province and told her mom about this. The problem is that the youngest sister hates her older sister now for telling on her. How do you go ahead to fix the relationship between the two?
Secondly I am not sure what was the correct reaction. My friend told her that she may no longer see the bo. Now the girl is threatning with killing herself.
Thirdly my friend is witholding this information from her husband. I do not think it is correct because he will be very angry when he finds out. Would you suggest that the father should be told?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe fixing the relationship between the sisters shouldn't be the first priority here?

By far the best safeguard against sex related problems is for parents to build an open and trusting relationship with their kids from an early age, in which such concerns and questions can be discussed.

It's easy to panic, but for instance, forbidding the girl to see the boy isn't helpful, and is likely to precipitate this sort of artificial crisis and floods of tears and threats.

What is needed is calm and respectful discussion, based on whatever understanding the girl may have and need, about the realities of sex, pregnancy, and responsibility.

She needs to know (not as a threat, but as information) that sex with an under-age girls could be considered statutory rape, for instance.

I can't think of any good reason to try to withhold the information from the father, who is surely likely to find out someonw, before long. The mother now needs also, then, to discus this calmly with him, handle his anger, and move him on to discussing what as responsible parents would be the best thing for both of them to do.

It sounds as though there are too many barriers of secrecy in this family aleady, "I know, but she told me not to tell you, and I won't tell him". Honesty and openness isn't always comfortable, but it enables everyone to know what they are dealing with, and to try to plan a reasoned way of dealing with problems, rather than a sries of emotional explosions

She needs to speak calmly and frankly with her dauhter about life, love, and sex, and the high risk in teenage years of falling madly in love with the idea of being in love, even if the apparent target isn't at all worth all the fuss.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Hestia | 2011/05/10

Luckily the test all shows negative. Her mother is very open with them. And they know about all the facts. My opion is that my friend is scared of being told " I told you so" . Her husband always say she must be more strict. And to tell the truth I do not think their marriage will survive something like this.

Reply to Hestia
Posted by: Maria | 2011/05/10

Well is she pregnant or not? That will determine the immediate priorities.

In general though, dad must be told, parents of both the girl and the boy must get together and have an open discussion with their kids about sex and the responsibilities and risks that come with it. This will probably be excruciatingly embarrassing for all concerned but so be it. Given that she runs the risk of AIDS or another STD, not to mention a pregnancy, she must face up to the realities. They can perhaps get a social worker or psychologist to facilitate all of this, someone who works with teenagers.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/10

Maybe fixing the relationship between the sisters shouldn't be the first priority here?

By far the best safeguard against sex related problems is for parents to build an open and trusting relationship with their kids from an early age, in which such concerns and questions can be discussed.

It's easy to panic, but for instance, forbidding the girl to see the boy isn't helpful, and is likely to precipitate this sort of artificial crisis and floods of tears and threats.

What is needed is calm and respectful discussion, based on whatever understanding the girl may have and need, about the realities of sex, pregnancy, and responsibility.

She needs to know (not as a threat, but as information) that sex with an under-age girls could be considered statutory rape, for instance.

I can't think of any good reason to try to withhold the information from the father, who is surely likely to find out someonw, before long. The mother now needs also, then, to discus this calmly with him, handle his anger, and move him on to discussing what as responsible parents would be the best thing for both of them to do.

It sounds as though there are too many barriers of secrecy in this family aleady, "I know, but she told me not to tell you, and I won't tell him". Honesty and openness isn't always comfortable, but it enables everyone to know what they are dealing with, and to try to plan a reasoned way of dealing with problems, rather than a sries of emotional explosions

She needs to speak calmly and frankly with her dauhter about life, love, and sex, and the high risk in teenage years of falling madly in love with the idea of being in love, even if the apparent target isn't at all worth all the fuss.

Reply to cybershrink

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