Posted by: Concerned Mother | 2010-09-13

Teen girl and boyfriend

Good day. I truly hope you can give me some advice that will help me in the right direction. My 14-year old daughter is driving us up the walls regarding her boyfriend. She''s had to sit detention two weeks ago due to them having had physical contact at school. This morning I got called by their department head and he told me that even the children in her class have now complained. She is totally obsessed with the boy (he''s 1 year older than her) to the point where she is constantly disrespectful to us and others. Once her airtime is finished she uses any phone she can get her hands on to phone him, etc. This is sending up our bills too. We tried to be understanding and somewhat lenient but it is getting out of hands. She refuses to listen to reason, her school work is suffering (despite her assurance that it''s not). And now this morning''s call. I feel like trying EVERYTHING in my might to keep them apart, even sending her to live with relatives 570 km''s from us. Please help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageTeen expert

Something that you will need to help your daughter realise is that having a relationship comes with responsibilities, and this includes attending to the other important things in her life.

Its not about being obstructive but you may need to put a boundary in place whereby she needs to do her schoolwork and be respectful in the home if she is going to be allowed to see her boyfriend. I would also consider having contact with her boyfriend's parents to discuss the matter, as you may be able to come to a joint decision around boundaries regarding how often they see each other etc.

Hope this helps and remain clear that at 14 you as a parent have a right ad a legal obligation to parent her, so don't be afraid to trust yourself regarding what you think she needs in order to give her these important life skills.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: WOW | 2010-11-02

ok whoa people stop the arguing, firstly I dont think its a good idea to not set tiem limits or take control you are the parent and thats your right AND responsibilty. I think sit down with her and the boyfriend and talk find out why they are so clingy ask them if they think its a good idea and if they can see that it is influencing her school work, ok so they might not understand and agree with you 100% but you having the talk with BOTH of them will have both of them understand you are serious about the matter and maybe the guy will then back off a bit-just an idea

Reply to WOW
Posted by: Nicole | 2010-10-20

i''am a 17 year old teen and i was in exactly the same situation with my parents and it didnt end well,if you set time limits she will not be happy and she will then WANT to break the rules... I had boundries set and i love my boyfriend more than anything in the world and i want to spend every waking second with him.. and with the boundries and time limits being set i felt that i had to follow my heart and spend the time i want with him coz its my relationship and not my parents so as soon as i got time limits and i started sneaking out just to see him.. my parents found out and i told then its my relationship and i moved out.. im just warning yiou that she will want to break the rules and she will want to leave or even run away... so give her the space and time

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: 24 | 2010-10-01

Do you people live in a box? children now start having sex in GR 6 and sum of them evin before GR5, And dont think if your child grew up in a good and healthy home they will not have sex at this age!! There is just to much presure from friends and sosiaty!!

Reply to 24
Posted by: Links | 2010-09-27

Eric, how can you say this girl sounds like she has had multiple sex sessions with her boyfriend? There is absolutely nothing in the original post to indicate this at all!!!

To the original poster - I feel very sorry for you. It will be difficult, if not impossible, for you to control her behaviour as any measures you take to keep them apart will only drive them closer together. I would sit her down and try to have a mature chat with her about their relationship. Work out some boundaries - if she spends x amount of hours on her school work, then she can see him for y amount of hours during the weekend. Tell her that she gets so much airtime per month and it is up to her to make that airtime last the whole month. If she starts using your phone then the amount will be deducted from next month''s airtime, so she will end up with even less.

Try to set clear boundaries without being too strict. Try to drive the message home that if she wants to behave like an adult in a relationship, she should act like a responsible person in all facets of her life, not just her relationship. If you have had a good relationship with her in the past, this should be easier. Do not force her to speak to you about her sexual activities, but make sure there is someone she can speak to whom she trusts completely.

Reply to Links
Posted by: Eric | 2010-09-20

I have a funny feeling that it is already too late for you to change her behaviour. She is acting like a teenager who has had multiple sex sessions with her boyfriend already. Her body and mind is craving to be with him.

The best for you is to put her on the pill, or she may be pregnant soon as well.

Reply to Eric
Posted by: Lorna | 2010-09-19

To concerned mother, After reading your story I''m just wondering why did you allow your daughter to have a boyfriend at the tender age of 14?? As far as I''m concerned she is far too young to be involved with a steady boyfriend, theoretically speaking she should be going out in crowds not sticking to one BOYFRIEND and she should be concentrating on her schoolwork. If she is already using any phone she gets hold of to chat to her boyfriend you have big problems on your hands. My advice to you is to call a meeting with her, yourself and her dad and start reading her the right act. I''m in no position to criticize you I also have a daughter of 14 and I have made it very clear to her, her first priority is her schoolwork, she is allowed to go out in a crowd and this only happens fortnightly when it''s school holidays she goes out Saturday''s and has to be home by 18:00 I will fetch her or she will be dropped. I hope you can resolve this problem soon otherwise you have big problems ahead...Good Luck !

Reply to Lorna

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