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Posted by: A | 2010/05/12

Teen Daughter- reply Cybershrink

Thanks for replying Cybershrink.
School work is not difficult for her. She is just not coping with the stress at school " the everybody know''s thing" .
She met a boy 4 yrs older than what she is (15yrs). We told her we do not approve of him, as he was a bad influence on her, and that is the reason she ran away with him. We did open a kidnapping case against him cause she is a minor. They do not have any contact with each other and we have a restraining order against him.
To come back to the boarding school thing, she is a very beautiful, intelligent, extrovert and sociable (spelling?) young girl, but it seem''s like after what happened she is totally out of control and dont bother with school work or house chore''s etc. Maybe do you think strict boarding school rules will help as she does not really care about anything at home or what we ask or tell her to do here at home?
And Bongi thanks for also replying, yes the boarding school have a very good refrence about 120km from where we stay.(Very expensive)
I dont know how to feel about this boarding school thing. We told her that running away from responsibilities and your circumstances at the moment is in our eyes not a good thing, she does not see her dad or me running if " the going get''s tough" , we also after what happened had to face all our co-workers, boss''es and everybody that helped in finding her, we did not run away just we could not cope? Ag I dont know!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If her stress lies in the "everybody knows" area, it can only have arisen AFTER she did something which everybody could know about - presumably the running away. Or is there something ELSE "everybody knows" about her ? Maybe the issue of the affair with the predatory boy ? The restraining order sounds wise - but would of course have to be amended if she went to a different school and lived elsewhere ( presumably at the school ? )
It still sounds like something's missing in how the problem is being understood. Being embarrassed at school by others knowing of her runaway wouldn't affect her ability to do her homework and studies at home, nor to doing chores at home. There must be more to it.
I don't think the bolarding school needs to be strict in the sense of being spartan and unduly restrictive, rather than helpful in having a clear and unambiguous code of rules which would be enforced reasonably. I wonder whether there i a similar set of rules for what is expected of her when she is at home ?
You seem convinced that the boy is now out of her life - is that certain ? Or possibly a degree of wishful thinking, as girls this age can be really stubborn about their affairs ?
Maybe some counselling for you and your husband would help you cope better and feel better in yourselves, which would be helpful all round

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/12

If her stress lies in the "everybody knows" area, it can only have arisen AFTER she did something which everybody could know about - presumably the running away. Or is there something ELSE "everybody knows" about her ? Maybe the issue of the affair with the predatory boy ? The restraining order sounds wise - but would of course have to be amended if she went to a different school and lived elsewhere ( presumably at the school ? )
It still sounds like something's missing in how the problem is being understood. Being embarrassed at school by others knowing of her runaway wouldn't affect her ability to do her homework and studies at home, nor to doing chores at home. There must be more to it.
I don't think the bolarding school needs to be strict in the sense of being spartan and unduly restrictive, rather than helpful in having a clear and unambiguous code of rules which would be enforced reasonably. I wonder whether there i a similar set of rules for what is expected of her when she is at home ?
You seem convinced that the boy is now out of her life - is that certain ? Or possibly a degree of wishful thinking, as girls this age can be really stubborn about their affairs ?
Maybe some counselling for you and your husband would help you cope better and feel better in yourselves, which would be helpful all round

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