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Question
Posted by: Worried Mom | 2011/07/13

Teen. Bad Attiude

My 14 year old daughter is driving me scatty. She is a bright girl doing well at school, but has a unpleasant streak where she is nasty to her younger sister,(11) passing disparaging remarks about her appearance etc.Its all about herself all the time. When taken to task, she reacts by saying that no one loves her and she is always being blamed etc.
She lies about projects/ homework that she does not do or complete in time. She says the reason she lies is that she does not want to get into trouble ?? She does not appear to be able to assimilate what is important and what is not. The frist thing that comes into her mind when confronted is to tell a lie.She is obsessed with Facebook,Twitter, Texting, I Pod and hip hop music. All of these forms of entertainment have been removed because of her unpleasant behavior and attitude. I realise that hormones at this age are all over the place etc, but what I need to know is how do I handle her. How do I make her realise that this type of behavior is not acceptable. She is really a wilful girl, with an answer for everything whose life at the moment is focused on " fun" .We are firm with the girls,regards TV viewing etc we spend a lot of time with them, coaching them with homework, ensuring they eat a healthy diet and they do have family fun over the weekends, eating out going to movies visits to the Mall etc, all of which seems to be taken for granted and not appreciated by the 14 year old. I really need some good advice. She has been for counselling, but does not appear to have had a positive effect

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like a dreadful case of Teenager. And fortunately she will in time grow out of it. Remind her that she is indeed loved, though sniping at her sister is unloveable, and she's only being blamed for things she chooses to do, and, by chosing not to do them, she can avoid being blamed.
You can point out that its the lying that gets her into more trouble than the things she chooses to lie about.
This age is difficult to handle. Keep to a consistent set of rules about the important things ( ignore the trivial ), and with consistent rewards for good behaviour and penalties for bad behaviour. Consistency is essential, for ma and pa must agre and respond in the same way to the same provocations. And good behaviour for the week should be required to earn the weekend rewards, mall visits, etc.
Sorry to hear the particular counsellor wasn't useful, as it shouldn't be hard for a counsellor to help you through these annoying times.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Worried Mom | 2011/07/16

Thanks for the feedback.CS. Valuable input.
Dug, you post was really funny and gives hope.

Another View. Yes I am grateful that the ugly side of teen life has not been an issue, BUT I must add, that I like to think that my " interfering"  and " over investment"  as you put it, has gone a long way to ensure she has not fallen by the wayside.

Kelly. I am following that route with the school and I am much encouraged. Thanks to 1you all.

Reply to Worried Mom
Posted by: Kelly | 2011/07/15

She sounds like a typical teen- of course it will be just about her and of course he''s make nasty comment to her sister. It happens to all siblings (I had my fair share from my older sister and I gave my share to my younger sister)! As for the homework- that sounds like a typical reponse. Perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to the teachers in the afternoons and ask what homework your daughter has, and then in the evenings ask your daughter and then when she lies, take her to task. She will soon figure out there is no point in lying. And maybe get the school counsellor to speak to her about the importance of school work. Most kids are about fun, but then again I think they at least to their homework.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Another view | 2011/07/14

If she is not drinking doing drugs and sex you are winning!
Her behaviour seems very normal to me for a teenager.
You appear to be overly invested and interfearing.
Being on face book is better than in the back seat of a car with a boy drugs and alcohol!

Reply to Another view
Posted by: Dug | 2011/07/13

Teenagers are all k@k things. Think they know it all. They think we were born adults. Great thing is they grow thru it and become wonderful people after 20. I''ve got 2 daughters in there early 20''s and the bullshit they gave me and my wife as teenages is forgotten. Vasbyt!! Don''t take shit, show your love, don''t get abusive and before you know it you''re in smoooth street.
I was a k@k thing as a teenager too. I''m not so bad now.  -)

Reply to Dug
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/13

Sounds like a dreadful case of Teenager. And fortunately she will in time grow out of it. Remind her that she is indeed loved, though sniping at her sister is unloveable, and she's only being blamed for things she chooses to do, and, by chosing not to do them, she can avoid being blamed.
You can point out that its the lying that gets her into more trouble than the things she chooses to lie about.
This age is difficult to handle. Keep to a consistent set of rules about the important things ( ignore the trivial ), and with consistent rewards for good behaviour and penalties for bad behaviour. Consistency is essential, for ma and pa must agre and respond in the same way to the same provocations. And good behaviour for the week should be required to earn the weekend rewards, mall visits, etc.
Sorry to hear the particular counsellor wasn't useful, as it shouldn't be hard for a counsellor to help you through these annoying times.

Reply to cybershrink

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