Posted by: Anon | 2009-02-23

Taking a break in a relationship

Hi Doc

The fiance and I have decided to take a break for a while (i told him we need to set a definite time period after reading somewhere here), a month. Basically our break up involves me feeling like im putting in more effort, I feel like he wants the best of both worlds, being in a relationship and being single. We have a great relationship sunday - thursday and then friday the drinking and friends get preference. And I accept that men need time with their friends etc, except that he becomes completely irresponsible during these times. he stopped drinking 4 months back for teh sake of our relationship and it recently came to light that in that time he has been using drugs, by his own admission thats the reason why he hasnt been committing properly. Anyway the drugging has stopped but now the drinking has started again in the last couple weeks. And i freak out, because he disappears and loses phones etc. he becomes a teenager again. In my mind its self destructive and its not only hurting him, it hurts me and his family.

Anyway Im not prepared to put up with him if he has alcohol and drugs in his life, I know he loves me and he really wants to sort his nonsense out. Ive suggested AA, when the day comes around he finds and excuse. He now lately has tried to prove he can do it responsibly, and have one drink and come home. But toomuch has happened and I sit with a lump in my face the whole of friday, expecting some drama.

The thing is I know he wants us and our relationship, he just has this self destructive streak, like he cant allow himself to be happy. So ive suggested this break for him and me to figure out how we are going to approach things. So are we still supposed to speak every day or do we cut all comms, ive said no sleep overs and sex, he has moved out. Im just not sure what else we need to do during our break. My biggest fear is that he uses this time to " jol"  himself into a coma and not fix any of the issues, and then comes back and its much of the same.

Please help doc

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Our expert says:
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If he can't cope with life, let alone a relationship, without drink, drugs or both, he's a really poor bet as a long-term partner.
A temporary break doesn't necessarily solve anything. He needs to head for AA and rehab, and wait until he has been stable for some years,before trying any serious relationship.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Rose | 2009-02-25

Everone has given you good advise. Make the break permanent. His actions will change for a week or two, then right back to where you started. Been there, done that, and made the mistake of returning to the broken relationship. Going back makes matters worse, it is in a sense you saying that it' s OK, I accept it. Don' t continue this relationship. There IS a better life.

Reply to Rose
Posted by: Hans | 2009-02-24

it' s tough but simple, be strong and leave...i was this guy a few years ago and believe me, he will cool down for a while but slowly the old patterns will come back. My ex left me and although i' m still sad about it sometimes and even after 2 years i' m still kicking myself, i think it' s the smartest thing that she could' ve done, coz i wasn' t gonna get better...i' m doing much better now though and accepted it and trying to move forward, but as for this guy, leave now!
i can almost guarantee that you leaving him will not make him stop for good, only until you let him get close enough to you again!..he may even get deeper into the drinking and drugs - only he can pull himself, but if you hold on he' s gonna keep you down there in that hell with' s gonna hurt alot for a long time time but let go now coz you' re not helping him or yourself by holding on. Be strong!

Reply to Hans
Posted by: Oh dear | 2009-02-23

No my girl, you have to take a break and just keep going. This guy is just poison for you with a whole load of trouble ahead that you just cannot imagine. Alcohol AND drugs ! Do me a favour. He is selfish, immature and a danger to himself and most importantly to you. People who abuse/use substances, drugs,alcohol etc have damaged a part of their brain that never recovers. No amount of pleading, promising etc from him will make any difference, he will NEVER change irrespective of AA and rehab centres. Do yourself a favour and get going without delay. Forget about him and find yourself a guy that will appreciate your love. If you don' t, for the rest of the time you are with him, you will constantly be on edge just waiting for him to fall out of his tree and that stress will kill you in the end. What if anything does he add to your life, pretty little I would guess?

Reply to Oh dear

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