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Question
Posted by: anon | 2010/01/08

suspects wife of cheating

Hi Doc, I' m suspecting my wife of cheating on me, her whole behavior, attitude and personality changed in the last few months, she became more distant and behaving erratically. There has also been anonymous messages that she is cheating on me send to her and when i confronted her she claimed that i send the messages to see what type of response i will get from her and told me that i' m seeing things that is not there and shifted the blame to me. But i feel that she is hiding something, how do i find out the truth if she doenst want to admit it or that i' m wrong, because i pray that i am wrong because i love her very much .She has cheated on her ex boyfriends in the past and i just scared that once a cheat always a cheat. I' ve been cheated on before and that was an earth shattering experience for me and it took me months to get over it. i don' t know if i will be able to cope if it turns out to be the truth. i wish i knew how to proceed. i said i believed her to keep the peace but i don' t. she has lied to me before about little things. This is just so confusing, maybe i' m just paranoid and that will cause the end of my marriage. I' m not the jealous type and she hasn' t given me a reason to be jealous so i dont know maybe i' m going a bit crazy.

Thanks

Anon

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Lets see what other readers might sugest here. Other than hiring a private detective ( something completely outside of my personal experience ) the usual solution lies in better comunication between husband and wife, not based on fights and arguments, but calmly discussing why there seems to be a problem.
Whatever turns out to be "the truth" you will be able to cope with it, and lets help it isn't as unpleasant as you are assuming right now. Would she be open to the idea of joining you in some sessions with a marriage counsellor, to look at the problems you perceive as well as any that might be troubling her ?
Everyone lies about little things ; and people who are unfaithful in lesser relationships before marriage may be entirely faithful as a spouse

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Our users say:
Posted by: saterday | 2010/01/09

I am also married(2 years) and my biggest fear is to hear that my husband cheated on me, I told him if this is to happen I and I find out I would have already said my last words to him. This promise I mad to myself and I will NEVER speak to him again! I hear of husbands/wifes that leave the other partner for another person after being married for 20 years ect. Sometimes i think death is easier...... How do one cope with this? This is way Anon I feel that the sooner you know the truth, the sooner you can start with the healing proses and the sooner you can move on. I would rather know after 5 years than after 20 if you know what I meen because I think one of the many things that makes this so hard is that the faithful person feels its good years of your life all down the drain for nothiing. So the less time you waste by not wanting to know the sooner you will be ok to move one. I am sure you really know how to catch her out,(get hold of her cellphone bill,ask a good friend to follow her ect.) this is not science, the question is are you ready to know the truth and take it from there. At the end of they day you deserve better so It is 100% her loss although you might think its your loss. One day you will say, GOOD RIDDENS,HOPE SHE GETS WHAT SHE DESERVE!
good luck!!!

Reply to saterday
Posted by: Whena | 2010/01/08

Good luck and I really hope that there is a innocent explanation for all this

Reply to Whena
Posted by: Whena | 2010/01/08

Can you not approach a trusted third party to mediate in this?.It seems to me that both parties cannot keep their cool (understandably as this is a very emotional issue)I like Cybershrink idea of a marraige counsellor.

Unfortunately your intuition is rarely wrong

Is there any other signs? Like coming home late, keeping ceelphone with her at all times, changes in music taste, trying new positions in bed, change in eating patterns and types of food likes etc.? You can also check her car' s kilometer reading and verify this with the distance to work. You can also play your own detective by taking a few days off from work, but still getting dressed etc as if going to work and leaving at the normal time and then following her movements.Most people do not watch their rear view mirrors intensively and they will most probably not spot you

Reply to Whena
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/08

Lets see what other readers might sugest here. Other than hiring a private detective ( something completely outside of my personal experience ) the usual solution lies in better comunication between husband and wife, not based on fights and arguments, but calmly discussing why there seems to be a problem.
Whatever turns out to be "the truth" you will be able to cope with it, and lets help it isn't as unpleasant as you are assuming right now. Would she be open to the idea of joining you in some sessions with a marriage counsellor, to look at the problems you perceive as well as any that might be troubling her ?
Everyone lies about little things ; and people who are unfaithful in lesser relationships before marriage may be entirely faithful as a spouse

Reply to cybershrink

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