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Question
Posted by: sally | 2010/01/24

suspecting husband and his colleague having affair

hi doc, i am hurting so much i can not think straight. My husband works with woman who recently got divorced. This woman is a lose canon.. She parties like crazy and is very close with my husband she even has a nick name for him. He recently invited her and a few other colleagues to our house for supper.. They kept having these private conversations and laughing to their jokes.. they even sat next to each other at the dinner table and at the patio. I dont know how to tell him im not feeling good about this cause they work very closely so what would i ask him to distance himself from her?? Pls help i am so hurt and my husband and i are only 28 years old. Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There might be something going on between them, or there might not - colleagues often have very annoying in-jokes and make anyone else feel out of it. Wha they did was disrespecful, even if they didn't realize it. You must neither assume the worse, no assume the best. And only calm discussion with him, revealing how badly this made you feel, could resolve this.
Remember the value of talking about " how that situation made yo0u feel", which is less directly accuaing him, rather than adopting the "you did this and hurt me" description of the same events.
I think Wise Owl may alse be a bit bitter in assuming the fault lies entirely in your husband, when sadly some divorced women do indeed run wild and careless of hurt caused to other women.
Marriage counselling, anyone ?

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: Leez | 2010/01/25

Go with your gut feeling. From your description, warning bells are sounding here.

Reply to Leez
Posted by: Wise-man | 2010/01/25

There is no such thing as an innocent friendship, if you are married the you have chosen someone to be that partner and looking outside can only spell trouble and you need to sort it out
right away by speaking to your spouce.

Reply to Wise-man
Posted by: Chicky | 2010/01/25

Hi Sally
You husband obviously has nothing to hide and invited his colleague over. If anything was happening between then why would he invite her over. The wife would be the last to find out. She is stroking his ego and he perhaps the only thing he is guilty of, is enjoying the attention. One of the more important things in a relationship is communication. You need to chat to you hubby and tell him nicely how you feel. He probably has no idea how you feel and you may find out that this is an innocent friendship.

Reply to Chicky
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/01/25

Hi Sally. I am sorry to say, but your instincts are right on the money. There is more to it than " work colleagues"  and you sense that correctly. You may well be in denial and that' s quite understandable but I am afraid it signals the beginning of the end for your marriage. The fact that he has the gall to invite her to your home and THEN makes little jokes and has private conversations is just the meanest thing I have heard, actually rubbing your face in it. You have no idea what they get up to at work and you are at a disadvantage as she is with him more than you are. Sadly, your husband appears to be one of those guys who will always try his luck with other females (you probably saw this when you were courting or while you were married) but chose to ignore it, hoping he would CHANGE. No chance. I would seriously consider ending your marriage as if you don' t, you are going to live with heartache for the rest of your life.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/01/25

Hi Sally. I am sorry to say, but your instincts are right on the money. There is more to it than " work colleagues"  and you sense that correctly. You may well be in denial and that' s quite understandable but I am afraid it signals the beginning of the end for your marriage. The fact that he has the gall to invite her to your home and THEN makes little jokes and has private conversations is just the meanest thing I have heard, actually rubbing your face in it. You have no idea what they get up to at work and you are at a disadvantage as she is with him more than you are. Sadly, your husband appears to be one of those guys who will always try his luck with other females (you probably saw this when you were courting or while you were married) but chose to ignore it, hoping he would CHANGE. No chance. I would seriously consider ending your marriage as if you don' t, you are going to live with heartache for the rest of your life.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Kelly | 2010/01/25

This is not an easy situation do deal with. Firstly, both your husband and his colleague are disrespecting you. You have to consult him about this but the bad thing is that they still work together. The friendship is nothing but at least when they are in your home ones partner would not be that close. Secondly, his interest in her is maybe just friendship but some ladies are wrecked after a divorce and actually dont care what they do to the next person. I think that you must stop the partying and coming overs at your house. At least in this way you will not feel " violated"  Good luck!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/25

There might be something going on between them, or there might not - colleagues often have very annoying in-jokes and make anyone else feel out of it. Wha they did was disrespecful, even if they didn't realize it. You must neither assume the worse, no assume the best. And only calm discussion with him, revealing how badly this made you feel, could resolve this.
Remember the value of talking about " how that situation made yo0u feel", which is less directly accuaing him, rather than adopting the "you did this and hurt me" description of the same events.
I think Wise Owl may alse be a bit bitter in assuming the fault lies entirely in your husband, when sadly some divorced women do indeed run wild and careless of hurt caused to other women.
Marriage counselling, anyone ?

Reply to cybershrink

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