Posted by: Trish | 2008-12-19

Superwoman - not

HI all it seems a silly question but... I have just been thinking about the fact that ppl never help me or spoil me. If I am dating sum1 I don' t get taken on holidays, spoilt with gifts etc. No surprise parties, flowers at the office or pretty bracelets.

Most of the women I know and just about all my female relatives get regaled with gifts on a reg. basis. Either from their beaus or an admirer. I am never short of admirers, but I never get gifts.

What kind of a woman is always spoilt and what kind isn' t? I’ ve noticed that ppl just generally never do things for me. They can know I am broke or that I am out of a job. They can know I need a babysitter or that I am overworked or even that I am lonely. No one ever helps me. Mind u I am known amongst family and friends as the most generous person they know. I give just because I believe in giving and I very quickly identify needs in other ppl' s lives.

After maybe 15 yrs of this I have suddenly begun to ask, howcome the same is never done for me? I have also considered the relationships I have had, where I have spent much money on the person I am dating and they have thanked me via sms and moreover done nothing when my birthday came.

Thirdly I have noticed the things ppl say about me. Its always ' U know that Trish, she’ s made of steel'  or ' She can fix any problem’ .

Times I’ ve been unemployed I' ve noticed ppl saying things like ' She' ll get another job just now'  or ' She cld probably open her own business' . Recently I went for an interview and the lady said she wouldn’ t hire me cos I looked like the sort of person who would be head-hunted by some big corporate within months! She said in view of the fact that they didn’ t want to hire someone only to lose them, they felt it was best not to offer me the job.

How is it my supposed ‘ got it all together’  vibes are the exact thing which work so painfully against me? I am as vulnerable as anyone else and I feel pain and disappointment like anyone else. I am not smarter or prettier than the next woman yet ppl are convinced I have skin ten times as thick? Something you wouldn’ t dare put another person thru, Trish can handle easily?

How have I created this image of myself as someone who is so resilient you don' t even need to remember her birthday cos it won' t hurt her if you don’ t?

any comments would be helpful

thank you all


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Eish. I know how it feels ! Forunately, I prefer to see flowers growing in a garden, as I can hadly recall the last time someone sent me a bunch of flowers, let alone pretty bracelets. OK, I think a bunch of flowers from colleagues last time I was in hospital for surgery, but I couldn't do much with them while bandaged. And they fell to pieces before I emerged whole again. Not a facetious point, though --- men have little or no expectation of receiving such gifts and favours, yet this is not seen as the exemplum of sexual inequality which it is.
But I can also identify with your experience that when you are perceived as strong and capable ( whether or not such perception is accurate ) people tend to feel relieved of any idea of offering help when you might fairly obviously need it. Worse, and I find this more common in SA than in other countries where I have lived and worked, are the people who offer and indeed make very specific promises of things they will do or give, and then cheerfully forget them entirely. I find it's best to assume that they make such offers in order that THEY can enjoy feeling good and generous, and to assume that these will never actually happen.
But then, some of us may appear more invulnerable than we need to, and may find it unusually difficult to ask for help. Sometimes we failto even hint at the sort of hurt others may have caused us. As Zexeon implies, sometimes we expect others to "know" that we need, and what we need, without even indicating this --- assuming they are more perceptive than is realistic to assume.
Your response to Zeeon's message shows admirable insight --- good luck in putting these insights into operation !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Trish | 2008-12-20

wow thank u for such an encouraging msg Zexeon. I' ve realised yr right, I don' t ever tell ppl what I need or what I feel they could help me with. Perhaps they are just waiting to be asked and they don' t ask because I always seem to have it together. Once they get over the shock of me needing help they actually might be very willing to assist!

thank you again :)

Reply to Trish
Posted by: Zexeon | 2008-12-19

Actually it ought to build your self confidance that people think and talk so highly about you and what better feeling of achievement to know mean something to somebody and if you look closely you get it back even if its just a greatful smile. I sympathise with you that nobody remembers you birthday but did you actually let them know when' s your birthday? I once really wanted somebody to remember my b-day so I called them up and told them happy b-day, they replied no its not my b-day so I said o sorry, no my mistake its my b-day and we enjoyed the day......... I also have friends or a husband that are willing to help me even if its just for sending my children for a sleep over and visa versa, which could be very helpful can' t you befriend some as your kids'  friends for this as they also could do with a break now and then also? If you only believe in yourself as other people do you could do anything you set your mind to and if it should fail then maybe God have something better planned for you. Happy B-day when ever that may be may you have a blessed day on your next b-day..............

Reply to Zexeon

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