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Question
Posted by: Michele | 2011/10/04

Super Sensitive or not?

My adopted daughter was playing at a friend. Her older sister who is my bio daughter went to fetch her and as she was leaving the friends mother asked my Older daughter if the younger one was adopted. I was so annoyed with this. My younger daughter knows that she has another Mom who gave birth to her but we never label her as adopted. Both my girls are my children I treat them exactly the same and there is no secrecy about the adoption. I just feel so annoyed. Why is it of interest if a child is adopted or not and if she is soooo inquisitive why didn''t she ask me instead of confronting my children? Am I being super sensitive?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its important to talk about adoption with your child, as you seem to have done, but whatever you call the situation, you also do need to use words like "adoption" which she will hear other people use.
But you are not being super-sensitive - its the other stupid mother who is being super-INsensitive and nosy and thoughtless and inconsiderate.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Tracey | 2011/10/07

I noticed that too, Regular, and figured she didn''t like my answer. :) It''s OK.

Reply to Tracey
Posted by: Regular | 2011/10/06

It was very ungracious not to include Tracey in your gratitude!
She gave a valid response and took time out of her day to consider your story. Your ignoring her reply because you did not appreciate it shows that you may be oversensitive in other areas!

Reply to Regular
Posted by: Michele | 2011/10/05

Thank you Cybershrink and Maria for your responses.

Reply to Michele
Posted by: Tracey | 2011/10/04

My opinion is that yes, you are being super sensitive. I am sure that you understood when you adopted your daughter that people WILL ask this, whether they ask you or your children. Maybe your younger daughter said something and seeing that it wasn’ t you that fetched you, the mother decided to ask your older daughter. Maybe your younger daughter is telling people she was adopted- you never know. It’ s not some shameful secret and if you don’ t want your younger daughter to think that way you shouldn’ t be angry that the mother asked, no matter the reason. Your younger daughter might view your anger (at the lack of tact from the other mother) as something negative to her being adopted. There is no harm in being curious, unless the play dates stop all of a sudden.

Reply to Tracey
Posted by: Maria | 2011/10/04

I would also have been annoyed. Did she ask the question based on something your daughter had said? But you know what, the best way to deal with it, for your daughter''s sake, is to have an attitude of " So what?"  Help her understand that being adopted is just another fact of her life - you have blue eyes, you''re good at maths, you can swim fast, you had a different tummy mummy. For her sake, don''t make a big deal out of it. That will also hopefully teach the other mom something.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/04

Its important to talk about adoption with your child, as you seem to have done, but whatever you call the situation, you also do need to use words like "adoption" which she will hear other people use.
But you are not being super-sensitive - its the other stupid mother who is being super-INsensitive and nosy and thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Reply to cybershrink

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