Our expert says:
What he did to you was savagely cruel and wicked. I have profound sympathy for people who become suicidal but they have many alternative ways to seek help and have a responsibility to do so. To insist not only on refusing help, but on committing suicide and in precisely the way that will be most viciously cruel and hurtful to anyone else is not worthy of respect or sympathy - that was suicide as an act of aggression, intended to damage someone else. And it was surely intended also to haunt you in this way and to make you feel guilty for the choices HE made ( not you ). It is indeed your responsibility to avoid hurting others ( a responsibility he had, but ignored ) but it is NOT your job or responsibility to protect everyone else from whatever harm they might choose to bring on themselves.
Do see a psychotherapist / expert counsellor, to enable you to work through this horrible experience, to recognize that you should free yourself from lame, and to become free to move on with the happier life you deserve
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