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Question
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/15

Subject: Sexual Partners


Is it ok to have sexual partners before marraige?

Must you tell your partner of your previous sexual history?

Do you lie and what happens if the truth is reveal?

Thats my story : married virgin wife not / she confessed and said she had 2 partner 1st time forced and second time with a married man she apparently did not knew.

this all happen in my 13th year of marriage

can this lie be acceptable

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK for who, or according to who ? Its not illegal, though it might not be a good idea. Maybe you're asking : is it WISE ?
What you later add reveals your real question. Many people do have sex before marriage, for different reasons, and with different significance. For someone to have had forced sex, for instance, is by definition NOT their fauly, and they should not be blamed for it, especially as their rapist will have tried to frighten them into not telling anyone, and into feeling inappropriately ashamed and self-blaming for what was not their fault at all.
What yourwife's second event meant, with the man she did not know, is harder to assess, not knowing the details.
Its an old mainly male belief in many cultures that supposes its somehow OK for the man not to be a virgin, but that for the woman not to be a virgin, for any reason, is somehow awful.
Recognize the fact that you won that gold medal - it is you she chose, freely, to marry and remain with for so many years, because she loved you. She is exactly the same woman you have loved - and who hass faithfully loved you, for 13 years.
Maybe she lied because she was aware of your strong feelings about such matters, and was scared to upset you, and really wanted to marry you.
So, maybe she made some real mistakes when she was much younger, and regrets them. Have you never ever made a mistake, and if you did, should you not hope to be forgiven ?
Apparently, she has not cheated on you whiole actually committed to you by marriage for 13 years. Doesn't that count for something ?
If you stick to your current decision to remain unforgiving, you will be the biggest loser of all. There is no benefit for you in holding to this harsh reaction. Why not see a marriage counsellor together and work this out properly ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon2012 | 2013/01/18

Ger

lioneldavids656@yahoo.co.za

Reply to anon2012
Posted by: Ger | 2013/01/18

U wanna give me your email addy?

Reply to Ger
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/17

Hi Ger

OK

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Ger | 2013/01/17

Anon2013 if you would like to chat off this forum then let me know

Reply to Ger
Posted by: Chris758 | 2013/01/17

Ok I believe you. But I do understand your problem with the honesty etc but do you really think getting the " Third wheel"  is being honest? Your wife did not cheat on you but you will now cheat on her which is worse than her keeping her previous sex life secret for 13 years.

And no, it is not only sex, because women are different to us....they get emotionally involved and that is where the problem starts.

Think again before you do something you will regret later because I think you do not really want to do this but you feel like it is " paying back"  time?

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/17

hi Chris758

honestly i am a director.

secondly i have decided to be liked the world and get me a ''third wheel''.

Its only sex??

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Chris758 | 2013/01/17

So if you intend not to have intercourse with your wife for two years(maybe she will be happy) why do you want to know about sex positions?

I m ust be honest, I think you are nat a director of any firm.....you do not come over as being in charge and of sound mind!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/17

To ALL

Angel / Jo - yes i was a virgin  seems like very strange thing to be a virgin  do you have regrets Angel / Jo  feeling guilty that maybe u weren''t.

Deeve - money no issue  bond paid off  director of a multi-million rand company 

Anon2 - i am no pervert  maybe you projecting??

Seems all of you are focusing on the virginity issue - me more importantly she lied to me 

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Anon2 | 2013/01/17

Methinks Anon2013 is a ex pervet. He is busy writing about how disappointed he is with his wife and how he is not going to be intimate with her, yet he is asking sexologist about best sexual positions.

I''m beginning to think that this wife''s story is made up.

Reply to Anon2
Posted by: Deeve | 2013/01/17

Get a life and rather worry about putting food on the table and paying the house bond. Your arguments are childish and clearly stem from an extremely narrow minded religious upbringing...which is controlling your life! This is a religious issue...isn''t it??? It''s perfectly clear to all of us why your wife never told you....... poor woman! Time you smelt the roses...

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: SoSo | 2013/01/16

Hai I m shocked, Anon 2013 in which world are you living in, you need some reality check and to see a shrink period the must be something wrong with you. If you want to divorce you''re wife do so and stop blaming her beacuse you are the one with problems not her. I think you are still upset because she made you choose between you''re parents and her and in a way you never forgave her for that, so you are trying to punish her.

Reply to SoSo
Posted by: Angel | 2013/01/16

I wonder if she was your first sexual partner?the way u are going on its like you were a virgin when you had sex with her.Rather go and find yourself a virgin since you do bealieve that she has wronged you and im sure it will take forever to find a virgin since there are only few left in this day and time.You sound like a big baby who does not even know what he wants.

If you want to quit just do it and dont try to find excuses that are not even making sense.

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Jo | 2013/01/16

Surprised no one asked this but were you a virgin when meeting the wife.

Besides the 1st your wife experienced was what we call rape.....

Reply to Jo
Posted by: Anon2 | 2013/01/16

You sound an immature adult. It doesn''t matter how much you try to justify you cause, it still doesn''t make sense. Leave her because you''ll always use this virgin issue against her. It was your choice to believe her and not your mother. It is natural to be jealous when in a relationship so you cant blame her for that, I''m sure she is jealous because she loves you.

Reply to Anon2
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/16

hi deeve

the reason why ppl dont ask is because deep down they know its wrong top have sexual encounters before marriage - the shame.

13 years of dedication NO her past cause lotsa issues in our marriage now i do understand why but that does not mean she was right to force me to choose between my parents and her  why she was jealous - could not talk to women etc.

BUT i have decided to take a chance again with her  i will not be intimate for the next year or 2  try to build the trust between us.

its difficult i tell you, if a husband thought her was 1st now his 3rd.

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Deeve | 2013/01/16

Sorry Fellow, but you''re definitely a few sarmies short of a picnic basket when it comes to modern relationships. It''s absolutely clear that this is all about your religious upbringing and beliefs therefore debating it here with others who don''t believe in the same ideas of ''sex before marriage'' is absolutely fruitless. I would NEVER have asked or expected my partner to devulge such information. It has nothing to do with me, nor infringes on my current relationship. You really need to either leave her because of your religion, or ask yourself for forgiveness for pressurising a mature adult into handing over such private information that is her business, not yours! If your culture only marry virgins, then why don''t you all lock up the ladies and have them ridiculed and tested before the ceremony?? Sorry...she''s not your slave! Rather let her go - she doesn''t deserve this type of behaviour after 13 years of dedication....

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/15

Anon2

well said. typical use scriptures when the foot is on the other end.
and no i am not upset cause i was no.1  i am upset cause i thought i was no.1.

Money, affairs and lies causes lost of trust and can cause marital breakup.

Honestly is the best policy Anon2  why lie to you partner for life about your sexual history??
Anon2 hope you were the 1st.

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Anon2 | 2013/01/15

And to you Mr Educated Anon 2013, AKA Procurement Director who can''t even write well. You need to have your head axamined for sure. You " *waited* for her virgin at 24"  and now you are upset that there was someone else before you? Go and find yourself a virgin then and stop hurting your wife and please don''t use your son as an excuse to stick around. You can leave her and still be a father to your child man. She deserves better.

You keep saying the Lord this and the Lord that, so I take it you are the one holier than thou and without sin, well I won''t say do it because you are already casting the stone.

Just imagine meeting a potential partner for the very first time and having to discuss how many sexual encounters I''ve had before they can decide whether or not to marry me. Phew!

Reply to Anon2
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/15

HI Kelly

why must i forgive her?
its clear that you think the issue is with me.
i forgave her but what i must deal with is the lies.
she couldn''t tell me on our wedding night that she had sexual partners and before those uneducated ones comment women accidently break their hymen due to sport etc. so most wedding night dont produce the blood stained linen like in the movies.

So Kelly were you the first?

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Kelly | 2013/01/15

Ay man! I think you need a reality check.
Why not you consult the Lord on the topic of forgiveness!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Anon | 2013/01/15

So the man who forced himself on your wife the first time basically stole a part of her soul and the only way for her to break the connection with such a horrible person is to confess? That doesn''t make all that much sense to me considering that she was a unwilling victim who was unfortunate enough to cross paths with a monster.
The thing about rape and other violent crimes, you will never fully grasp the impact it has on the victim untill it happens to you and even then people respond very differently. Judging by your post this is something that she had to process by herself and the number of issues that could have caused her and how it could''ve changed her way of seeing things is huge.
Rather suggest that she should speak to a professional and support her through it than to automatically judge her.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: John | 2013/01/15

Oh my looney tunes I tell you.....Kardashians, Desperate Housewives what next Mickey Mouse? Get real man

Reply to John
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/15

Seems all of you think i am in the wrong?

The world, the Kardashians, Desperate Housewives, Friends etc has numb you guys  its OK the sleep with multiple partners before marriage.

As i said i am willing to save our marriage for the sake of our lil boy.
Emotionally and physically i will not connect for the next few months 
first and foremost i am a parent to my son. i dont want my son and i will make bloody sure he marries a woman that has no sexual history because it affects marriage.

And to those that says it doesn''t the lying to themselves  every time you sleep with someone a piece of your soul is given to that other person like or not  thus after sleeping with dozens of people how can you become a soulmate?? NEVER. the only way is to break the soul connection by confessing to the L-rd and to your partner.

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Maria | 2013/01/15

Anon2013 I really don''t think you can describe having 2 sexual partners as " playing the field" .

FWIW, I was a virgin until I got engaged to my husband. He had been married before and had also had a couple of other sex partners. Did it bother me? Yes it did but I got over it because he is a good man and I love him to the ends of the earth.

I think there are more problems in your marriage than this issue and suggest you seek counselling. Your wife''s attitude towards your family is a problem and you should both work on that together. Don''t throw away 13 years of marriage.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Observer | 2013/01/15

Annon you are just plain stupid. what you are saying does not make sense. i agree with Anon2 if you knew all along and didnt end the marriage or relationship then dont complain 13 years later. its not like you are perfect.

if your wife hates your family its your responsibility as a man to her create the peace unlike blame your wife for every single thing.

please grow up.

Reply to Observer
Posted by: ZukiBoy | 2013/01/15

Actually meant to say Mr Gold and Mr Silver sorry..

Reply to ZukiBoy
Posted by: John | 2013/01/15

Oh come on Anon 2013 you cannot be for real there is more to your so-called story than you are letting on.

Reply to John
Posted by: ZukiBoy | 2013/01/15

Anon, from my perspective.All this fuss depends on how much you love your wife.It would also have been a completely different thing if you guys were still dating,but with a child involved,you might wish to take a pause and re-evaluate the situation.There are some things in life that we can''t do anything about.its the past.She might have had her own reasons why she did not tell you in the beginning,maybe she did not want to loose you for example,and why would she not have wanted to loose you?its because she loves you.13 years is a very very long time in a marriage,and its not like the Mr Gold and Mr Bronze left a rubber stamp on your wife or anything.please make no mistake here,as i can understand where you are coming from but i think the fact that you did not discover,but she confessed it herself,maybe a forgiving heart will do.However,as Maria said above,some key decissions only you can be able to decide.In whatever you decide,good luck brother,but make it a wise decission.

Reply to ZukiBoy
Posted by: Kelly | 2013/01/15

I actually think you the problem and not her sexual past.
Yeah def. she needs to apolgise to your mom and you need to do that too since you chose her over your mom when you mom was telling the truth. However you have been married this long and still love her, how could this make you want to leave...
The other problems you mention about her peronality maybe that could be a reason to rethink the marriage yes but then theres counseling.

I would say forgive and forget, it was before you and she never really cheated on you. Yes you gave up lots but that was you choice at the time and you need to learn to live past it.
But you cant now punish her for mistakes made in the past.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Miya | 2013/01/15

She did not cheat on you when she was married to you. Her sexual experiences were with 2 guys, before you married. And you did seperate from her for 8 mths, didn''t you?

That was 13 years ago!!!! She was younger. You told her you could not be in a serious relationship, but would marry her after you finished your studies. And you did not see her for 8 months!!!! Did you just expect her to sit and wait around to see if you ever came back?

How do you expect someone, whom you have told you can''t be in a serious relationship with, to just hang around waiting for you? Did you ever consider that she thought that you were not getting back with her? Maybe she was frustrated. You said she was forced the first time. Was she raped?

You are being crazy. You will just push her away from you, like you did the first time. Seems like you always want things on your terms. I do hope that after 2 years, you still have a wife.

Why don''t you see a therapist? You should both maybe see a marriage counsellor.

Reply to Miya
Posted by: Anon2 | 2013/01/15

So Anon, you are willing to throw the towel simply because you wife slept with other men before you? I really don''t understand you. It''s not like she cheated on you mos. It was your choice and your choice only not to engage in sex before marriage. so when you slept with her for the first time didn''t you realise she was no longer a virgin? You should have ended the marraige sooner then.

Reply to Anon2
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/15

her reasoning was she knew my expectations of her and that fact that i ''waited'' for her  virgin at 24 get real i was stupid and naive.

women always go for the baddies just to make a return to the boring ones.

the problem in our marriage stem from her sexual past  she hates my parents  has this idea that she thinks they brands her as a slut  very possessive  very jealous 

i cant talk to other women  difficult as i am the procurement director of a multi-million company  a few years back i had to stop dealing with a certain company cause the ''friendly'' secretary 

so Maria would you get married to a man who has played the field?

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Maria | 2013/01/15

Did she tell you why she lied? Are there other problems in your marriage?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/15

hi Maria

i suffered as a result of her  i didnt believe my mother the day she told me my girlfriend (her) is doing it with a taxi driver that was married she saw them i confronted her and she denied it and told me my mother is a @#(#*& $  i chose to believe my girlfriend that time

What a big mistake.

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Maria | 2013/01/15

I''m sorry Anon, but the problem here is not your wife''s sexual history, it''s your attitude.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2013/01/15

If she had told you this before you got married, would you still have married her?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon2013 | 2013/01/15

hi Maria

yes

it does as now i much wrestle with the thinking of was the last 13 yrs of intimacy real  did she fake it  how can i be intimate knowing she had sex with other men.

dont get me wrong my love for her is not a light switch can just stop loving her but i told her last night i cant be intimate for a long time must short out my feelings of being lied to etc.

the world would think i am mad  what is all the fuss about  the issue here is she knew i had feelings for her but i had to finish my studies could not be ion a serious relationship  told i want to marry her  did not have casual sex with women  once had to opportunity to do a threesome i refused and were mocked by my friends.

did not see her for 8 months in and in that ''separation'' she slept with the two guys  after them she realized mr. bronze is the one.
mr. gold and silver was before me.

so it will be a long road  wanted a separation but my son will suffer  now i have decided not to sleep in our marriage bed  no intimacy for the next 2 yrs  we will not bath together i told not to dress in front of me.

Reply to Anon2013
Posted by: Maria | 2013/01/15

Nobody but you can decide that, it is a matter of your personal moral code and nobody else can tell you if it''s ok or not. It obviously bothers you a lot. Do you mean you found out about it after 13 years? Your wife is still exactly the same person, does this really makes so much difference?

Reply to Maria

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