advertisement
Question
Posted by: lol | 2012/04/23

stuck ....on this and I dnt know how to solve this

Few weeks ago, I was feeling down and felt betrayed by my partner. I am unable to give all the gory details but in the mist of it all, I wrote a prayer letter, detailing my feelings about the situation and how I felt. Since then, I have been able to discuss some of the issues with her and move on.

Yesterday, she asked to use my laptop, and somehow she managed to find the prayer letter and went through it. She is now angry about what I wrote and has made it her mission to sort of correct what I felt was wrong about our relationship. Not because she agrees, but just to be spitefull. Unfutunately, these will include a whole lot family members and upset some of the people in her family.

I have apologised for having written the letter but on the other hand, I feel she should not have gone through my private documents. More than that the things she is angry about, have since been resolved and I have explained to her, that I wrote the letter before we spoke. Those were my views at the time and I have since moved on..... I am not sure I should still be begging her to move past this letter and I am not sure I should be apologising to her for how i felt, at the time I was in pain. do i apologise again for having written the letter? I am sort of stuck in this

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Writing a letter, whether thought of as to some higher power, or to oneself, or to someone else it is never intended to reach, can be a useful exercise to clarify one's thinking, to get something off your chest, and so on. But I generally recommend that after writing it, longhand, or printing it out, you then 'deliver " it by burning it. It has served its purpose.
Keeping the copy around in one's cellphone or laptop is unfortunately, asking for trouble.
Havin borrowed your laptop, she could not have found the letter, however, unless she were deliberately snooping, and she should not be allowed to avoid facing that fact, that she deliberately chose to invade your privacy, by the pyrotechnics of her fury at what she discovered.
As you don't supply details, one can only gather that she is using the contents spitefully so as to involve and even hurt other people as well as yourself. That adds injury to insult, and shows a really ugly aspect to her nature, which is not in any way excused by being claimed to be in response to a private note you wrote to yourself.
She must have larger motivations for creating and exploiing these unnecessary grievances. She has a right to be angry about things you have publically done, but not to create misery and punishment about things you have thought.
This is more like a burglar complaining because he discovered in your diary you'd said something unpleasant about him.
I don't see why you should be begging her about anything at all, or even apologising. Yes, you can say you regret that IN HER SNOOPING she found a note of thoughts you had which happen now to have upset her, as you had no intent to upset her. But you did nothing wrong, and she did.
You THOUGHT things she doesnt like ; she is deliberately choosing to DO things that will hurt you and others. That's a very different offense.
If you are prepared to take the risk of continuing a relationship with someone so vindictive, someone prepared to devote so much guile and energy to hurting you and others, then you could, without apologising ( as you did nothing to hurt her ) express your regrets that when she chose to snoop, she found a private note that she finds hurtful, and suggest that you'd be prepared to work with her on solving the shared problems, even with the aid of a counsellor if necessary. If she is not prepared to do so, then make it clear the relationship AS A RESULT OF HER CHOICES, has to be over, and that you will choose not to hold bad feelings about her and hope she finds happiness elsewhere.
Personally, I'd move straight to that step now, as someone who works so hard to hunt for and exploit offense, is too likely to do it again.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/23

Writing a letter, whether thought of as to some higher power, or to oneself, or to someone else it is never intended to reach, can be a useful exercise to clarify one's thinking, to get something off your chest, and so on. But I generally recommend that after writing it, longhand, or printing it out, you then 'deliver " it by burning it. It has served its purpose.
Keeping the copy around in one's cellphone or laptop is unfortunately, asking for trouble.
Havin borrowed your laptop, she could not have found the letter, however, unless she were deliberately snooping, and she should not be allowed to avoid facing that fact, that she deliberately chose to invade your privacy, by the pyrotechnics of her fury at what she discovered.
As you don't supply details, one can only gather that she is using the contents spitefully so as to involve and even hurt other people as well as yourself. That adds injury to insult, and shows a really ugly aspect to her nature, which is not in any way excused by being claimed to be in response to a private note you wrote to yourself.
She must have larger motivations for creating and exploiing these unnecessary grievances. She has a right to be angry about things you have publically done, but not to create misery and punishment about things you have thought.
This is more like a burglar complaining because he discovered in your diary you'd said something unpleasant about him.
I don't see why you should be begging her about anything at all, or even apologising. Yes, you can say you regret that IN HER SNOOPING she found a note of thoughts you had which happen now to have upset her, as you had no intent to upset her. But you did nothing wrong, and she did.
You THOUGHT things she doesnt like ; she is deliberately choosing to DO things that will hurt you and others. That's a very different offense.
If you are prepared to take the risk of continuing a relationship with someone so vindictive, someone prepared to devote so much guile and energy to hurting you and others, then you could, without apologising ( as you did nothing to hurt her ) express your regrets that when she chose to snoop, she found a private note that she finds hurtful, and suggest that you'd be prepared to work with her on solving the shared problems, even with the aid of a counsellor if necessary. If she is not prepared to do so, then make it clear the relationship AS A RESULT OF HER CHOICES, has to be over, and that you will choose not to hold bad feelings about her and hope she finds happiness elsewhere.
Personally, I'd move straight to that step now, as someone who works so hard to hunt for and exploit offense, is too likely to do it again.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement