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Question
Posted by: MJ | 2011-10-10

Stuck

Hi there,

i find myself in such a compromising situation. really would apprecite guidance.
i have been dating my boyfriend for 5 and half years, we have a 4 yr old daughter together. our relationship has been rocky from the start.
he is an amazing dad and a good person, but i love him very much, but i have been feeling for nearly a year now, that maybe the love i feel for him is more care and friendship than love for a partner in life.
we dont get along well, its hard for us to have any kind of conversation, we have such different oppinions and he is the type of person that is never wrong.
he has not changed since we started dating, he is still the same person i met, so surely if i fell in love with him then, i should still be in love with im now?
when i look at him i fel a strong sense of responsibility towards him and our daughter to keep our family together, but i know that i am unhappy and that my heart isn''t in the relationship anymore.
i have no interrest in him physicaly anymore either.
we are so disconnected. i have proposed couple''s councelling which he quickly turned down, i have attempted to engage him in honest and open conversations, which always ends in me feeling like an idiot.
i have tried breaking up with him several times, but i end up back where i started again, feeling like i am neing rash.
He is not romantic, not affectionate, he does not ever even ask me how my day way, he only believes in tough love. He has great qualities too, which is why we are still together as i am able to lean on those as a reson not to give up.
i am still young, and i know that even as a single mom i could find love again, in a relationship better suited for my personality and that we could all be truely ahppy again, but im i being selfish?
is it possible to rekindle a love that seems so dead?
and if so, where do we begin?
it would be easy if he agreed but he feel that the only issue in between us is me.... isn''t the first stage of recovery acepting that there is something wrong?
i am so stuck in what feels like a never ending circle of unhappiness and i dont know how to get out of it....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I can't help wondering, if the relationship jhas been rocky from the start, why you have stayed together for so long, and chosen to have a child together.
Its complicated when one feels you love someone, but start comparing that love with a theoretical sort of love you feel you OUGHT to feel. You seem to be worrying about how you SHOULD feel, mroe than how you DO feel.
As you say, he hasn't changed since you started dating, so what has changed may have been your expectations and how you evaluate the relationship. Even if he needs to start by believing it is to sort out the problems in you, that can start a process that opens his eyes to the broader issues, and gives a chance of solving them.
Why not see a marriage / couples counsellor together, to help you both understand more of what is and isn't going on, and to decide how to deal wih this.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: MJ | 2011-10-12

@Candy - already has. Seeing a phychologist today for myself, need some strenght and guidance. it''s not going to be about him anymore, i need to be string for myself and for my daughter. This is it i guess. Thank you candy for your support.

Reply to MJ
Posted by: Candy | 2011-10-12

I guess that answers your question. :-(

Rather start saving for your own place. It''s sad that after all the time invested in the relationship he''s not willing to invest in a couple of hours to save it.

Look, it may feel sucky now, but at the end of the day it''ll be better. This is draining and it''ll start affecting your heath.

Reply to Candy
Posted by: Asking............ | 2011-10-11

lf he will not donate half a days leave to do this why are you considering investing the rest of your life with this idiot?

Reply to Asking............
Posted by: MJ | 2011-10-11

so.... here''s the update....i made the appointment... as we''ll be new patients, the councellor would like to see us in the morning for admin purposes...and my BF is not willing to take the morning off work. im my wits end. Emotionally drained. dont even have the tears to cry anymore. i am wondering if it''s worth me spending the money on concelling or if i should rather invest it into a deposit for a new house. i guess now this is a decision only i can make.

Reply to MJ
Posted by: Obvious | 2011-10-10

Tell him you are unhappy in the relationship and ,as he " doesnt know"  how to respond, you are leaving him. lf he asks you to stay only agree to do so if he attends councelling with you.
The problem will be solved one way or the other.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Candy | 2011-10-10

Make his decisions for him. Either he''s just not interested or he''s actually scared of losing you. Like you say, make the appointment, and whether he goes with or not will really make things clear. And make sure that he cannot use any excuse that he forgot- make it for a few weeks time (so it''s unlikely he has other plans) and make him put the appointment in his phone, remind him once a week until the appointment and SMS or call the morning of the appointment.

Reply to Candy
Posted by: MJ | 2011-10-10

Argh!! Seriously! he cant even make a simple decision... i asked him if he would prefer a male or female councellor... and standard Answer - I DONT KNOW !!!!
when asked if he sees a future with me.. it s I DONT KNOW
why he fell in love with me I DONT KNOW
everything is I DONT KNOW''well I DONT KNOW if i want to make the effort anymore.
i am emotionallly drained.
in the book The 5 Love languages - By Dr Gary Chapman, he speaks about The Love tank.. well my Love tank is empty... this car is running dry.

Reply to MJ
Posted by: MJ | 2011-10-10

@Cybershink - we kept on telling ourslves that if we have made it this far..we can make it further....i guess that i am so heartsore by now though..i dont have it in me to go any further.
@Candy - i will look up a couple''s coucellor and make an appointment, if he comes with..i guess there''s hope... if he doesnt..maybe its time to pack my bags.
Shooweee....Change is so scary.
people who judge be for having a child out of wedlock really dont bother me, i have strong morals and a good value system. i am a firm believer in family and unfortunately i couldnt propose to myself.
Our daughter was not planned but she certainly is a blessing. And married or not i am an anazing mother to her, no ring on my finger makes no difference.
i am so committed to making things work, i am not a quitter, i just need to know its not in vain i guess.
at the end of the day i want what everyone else want... to be happy.
so..i guess councelling is going to be the big test.
thank you all.

Reply to MJ
Posted by: Candy | 2011-10-10

I don''t think it matters whether she had the child out of wedlock or not... if they had gotten married and this happened it would be the same thing. I have friends that were only dating for a few months before they had a child, they''ve been together for 4 years now.


Anyway, don''t feel responsible to hold the family together. A relationship is a partnership and one partner shouldn''t have more responsbility to the family than the other. If you aren''t feeling it anymore, he might not be either (which is why he isn''t interested in counselling or being open with each other).

A child is happier in two seperate homes (if they are happy homes) than in one UNHAPPY home. Your daughter may be picking up on your feelings.

I''d speak to your boyfriend and just be honest with him- tell him that you feel that the relationship isn''t going anywhere and his not interested in counselling confirms your feelings. And then leave. If you feel you need to go back, you have to just think about your feelings HONESTLY and ask yourself do you really want to put up with that.

And do it sooner than later. Good luck.

Reply to Candy
Posted by: W | 2011-10-10

count your blessings, stop thinking about what you dont have and be happy with what you do. Remember it can all be taken away from you tomorrow...

Reply to W
Posted by: Romany | 2011-10-10

Read post 756.
If you are happy that you will not be ending up like this....get out. Oh and....please marry the next one BRFORE you start having babies.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Honest | 2011-10-10

You are dating but have a child together! This is a perfect example of what happens when a child is brought into the world before a commitment has been made. As he does not want to attend councelling and you are unhappy l cannot see any future in continuing to date him.

Reply to Honest
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-10-10

I can't help wondering, if the relationship jhas been rocky from the start, why you have stayed together for so long, and chosen to have a child together.
Its complicated when one feels you love someone, but start comparing that love with a theoretical sort of love you feel you OUGHT to feel. You seem to be worrying about how you SHOULD feel, mroe than how you DO feel.
As you say, he hasn't changed since you started dating, so what has changed may have been your expectations and how you evaluate the relationship. Even if he needs to start by believing it is to sort out the problems in you, that can start a process that opens his eyes to the broader issues, and gives a chance of solving them.
Why not see a marriage / couples counsellor together, to help you both understand more of what is and isn't going on, and to decide how to deal wih this.

Reply to cybershrink

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