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Question
Posted by: Any one? | 2012/10/08

Struggling with motherhood

Hi CS,

I tried for 7 years to have a child and now that I have 2, I find myself struggling with the demands. I work a full day, do night shift with the kids, get up to gym at 5 and try to be a good mother and wife at the same time. My children are 5 and 3 and I feel I cannot cope with the demands of feeding, bathing, dressing and toilet routines. On a Sunday night I am totally shattered. My kids said Yuk to their food last night and I told them to rather eat the dog''s food. I made a pasta dish and they turned their noses up at it. My husband told me to keep my cool. He was working yesterday, so it was just me and the kids. He helps out by driving them to school and back.

We went to church yesterday and I thought I would put on a dress and try to feel feminine again. They pulled my dress, pulled at my ear-rings, poked me in the eye, demanded cake and cooldrink. I cannot even have an adult conversation anymore.

I have started putting my trinkets out as I had put them in boxes until they were older, but they still break things. As I unpacked, they had to touch and move things around. I received a necklace as a gift, my youngest pulled it apart in 2 seconds and I had beads all over the floor....

Am I trying to do too much, am I a bad parent?

Please tell me it gets better....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What one imagiesn it will be like to have a child, and the actual reality of having one, let alone two, are often shockingly different.
Couldn't your husband, surely, do more to help with the kids, and share the load ?
It also sounds as though the pair of you have sevrre disciplinary problems with the kids, as most kids, especially as old as 5, do NOT physically harrass their mother in the way you describe. Maybe a couple of sessions with a suitable counsellor, jointly, could set up a better system of rules and disciplinary consequences for when they behave so badly. And they could also share to some extent in the household chores.
You're not a bad parent at all ; maybe you ar e both relatively unskilled parents as regards instilling better behaviour in the kids. If they behaved better, your load would be diminished, for a start

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: irene mom | 2012/10/11

hi there

i know what you are are talking about. Mine are 4 and 2 very naughty girls but im fortunate to have a helping partner they listen to him even on phone he can discipline them even while he is not at home. i sometimes lie to them and say mommy is sick then they slow down i wonder if they really understand what sickness means. sometimes i hide myself in the guest bedroom if i have sometthing crucial to do hahahah

just hang in there ........

Reply to irene mom
Posted by: Me Too | 2012/10/09

I know the feeling!!! I have twin boys that are 20 months old and an 8 year old. Between work (have been very stressed out at work) and the kids, I feel exhausted. I don''t know what to do sometimes when I get home.

I do have 2 nannies, but when I get home, they both say to the boys that they must go to mummy now. I have to cook for all of us. The nannies stay with us. Sometimes they help me with the cooking and sometimes just go lie on their beds. My husband will watch tv and try to play with the boys. But they end up in the kitchen with me.

And then there is my 8 year old who will be on my back to come help with homework, she wants to read to me or tell me about her day.

I try to spend time with all 3 of them. My husband does help out with the kids, especially weekends when there is no helper. I need to take the 8 year old to swimming and drama on saturdays. Hubby refuses to allow me any help on a Saturday, He says he can take care of the boys himself.

But then I get told that I should be greatful that he is not like other men, who spend their weekends with friends. he takes care of the kids for me and does my job.

I feel for you as I feel the same.

Reply to Me Too
Posted by: Anyone? | 2012/10/09

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your comments. I will look for the books suggested by Purple. To Also Struggling, thanks for the hug, I needed that. I thought by having another child they would keep each other company, but they fight like cat and dog already. My parents live in other countries so baby sitting is a bit difficult, but I think I will ask the maid to come in for a Saturday morning or something, so that my husband and I can go on a date. I need my gym to de-stress and that is my me time in the early mornings before they wake up. Yes, I think it is only fair that my husband helps out with at least the night shift with the kids, thanks Anon. I have been doing it for close on 6 years and feel like a zombie most days. I think the fatigue is the root factor here, if I don''t sleep, I become very grumpy. I do think discipline is also a problem here, like Mom 2. If I smack them, they says it was not sore... And then they start smacking each other because if Mum can do it, then so can I. I will have to find another tactic.

Thanks again to you all, I hope your motherhood journeys go smoothly!!

Reply to Anyone?
Posted by: Purple | 2012/10/09

You sound exhausted.

You aren''t a bad parent, you''re exhausted and stressed and busy and working and parenting - and it just gets too much.

You may find Barbara Colaroso''s book or DVD helpful with some limit setting for your children. She speaks about Brick Wall parents, Jellyfish parents and backbone parents. Another really good book is How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.

Are you able to look for a less stressful job that doesn''t require night shifts?

I''m tempted to suggest giving up gym - but I bet you need that alone time to excercise.

Can you ask a friend or a grand parent or someone to baby sit the kids so you and your husband can spend a night at home or in a hotel where you cana both have a good sleep and discuss a plan of action to share the parenting load?

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Mom2 | 2012/10/09

It doesn''t get better as they grow older. Mine are 11 and 12 years old but I want to cry everytime I go into their rooms. A simple task of making the bed in the morning never gets done - I have to say it everyday: " Make your bed, make your bed...." . I gave rewards for one who cleans his room best, but at some point they just stopped caring about the rewards, they are like " whatever" . Punishment - " you will not go to the movies because you did not make your bed" ... they are like " whatever" .....

Reply to Mom2
Posted by: Anon | 2012/10/08

I don''t think you are bad parent, raising two small children is no easy task! I''m sure it will get easier as they get older. Perhaps with a 3 year old it''s a bit to soon to start unpacking valuables.
If you have a full-time job and contribute in that way to your household, surely your husband can contribute more at home? From what you have written it sounds as if you are practically raising the children on your own, why is it only your responsibility to feed/bathe/dress them? It doesn''t sound as if responsibilities are being split fairly between you two..You should be able to lean on him for support if you can''t cope on your own. In the same sense when they misbehave you should be able to turn to your husband to reinforce you.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Also struggling.... | 2012/10/08

Hi,

Reading your post is as if I had written it myself. But I only have one child, a very ''wild/naughty'' 20 month old who just cannot be disciplined and a very caring hubby who does what he can. But still i feel stretched.

I made pizza for my son who tore it to pieces and flung them around. No amount of talking, shouting or even a slap on the wrist works for him. We also don''t like going out anywhere because we know our son will be so unruly....he pulls my hair. I don''t wear a single piece of jewellery.

This morning he was up from 1:30am and eventually fell asleep at 3:20am and my alarm goes of at 04:15.........I actually dread going home now! Hubby &  i have vowed never to have another child.....

Sometimes i feel as if i''m just not cut out to be a mom........I am also not coping.........so you are not alone! And as ppl always tell me, they will grow up! Fast forward 18 years> 

Big hug.....I now what you are going through.

Reply to Also struggling....
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/08

What one imagiesn it will be like to have a child, and the actual reality of having one, let alone two, are often shockingly different.
Couldn't your husband, surely, do more to help with the kids, and share the load ?
It also sounds as though the pair of you have sevrre disciplinary problems with the kids, as most kids, especially as old as 5, do NOT physically harrass their mother in the way you describe. Maybe a couple of sessions with a suitable counsellor, jointly, could set up a better system of rules and disciplinary consequences for when they behave so badly. And they could also share to some extent in the household chores.
You're not a bad parent at all ; maybe you ar e both relatively unskilled parents as regards instilling better behaviour in the kids. If they behaved better, your load would be diminished, for a start

Reply to cybershrink

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