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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012-05-29

Struggling to connect

I’ ve been married now for two years, altogether my husband and I’ ve been together 8 years. I love him so immensely and I couldn’ t ask for a better partner, from the day we met we just understood each other, I’ ve never been able to open up to someone so much before and he really made my life so much easier and I learned to trust people. A few months ago, my sister’ s husband, who is a childhood friend of ours, I’ ve known him for 19 years and he was truly one of my best friends, my sister shockingly found out he was cheating on her. Obviously it crushed her, my sister and I’ m very close, and he was truly, or so I thought, good for her. I trusted him fully, I was very over protective of my sister growing up and I finally relaxed when they got married because I truly thought he could protect her from everything. Now I don’ t know if that was the trigger, but from then I’ ve been struggling to open to my husband, it’ s like I get a physical reaction if he even tries to hug me, everything inside me just wants to push him away. I’ ve talked to him about this, and he is so understanding and helpful but obviously it is hurtful because I keep rejecting him and he just wants his old loving wife back. I keep telling myself this is silly and I love him and I also want affection, but then if he comes in for a kiss or hug, without me thinking about it I push him away, I can’ t explain the feeling, there is this immense unease that starts in the core of my body and I just want to escape. I don’ t know how to fix this? I want to go and talk to someone, but unfortunately I’ m currently working in a very remote area (with my husband) so there is no counselling here. Please can you help me? I love my husband so so much and I don’ t want to hurt him. I’ m so afraid I’ m going to loose my best friend, the love of my life and I don’ t even know myself why I react/feel like this!!! so how do I even explain it to him? I used to love sex and all physical contact, my husband and I always say we do everything so well together, laugh, life and love, so why am I feeling this way? Can you please help?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course what your sister really needed, and should then ( as now ) have been encouraged to explore, was to become self-sufficient, rather than always needing or relying on someone else to protect her.
I'm puzzled, though, about why, if this OTHER man has proved unfaithful to this OTHER person ( your sister ) you should leap to the conclusion that your own hitherto excellent husband is now to be rejected and somehow punished for what he did not do ? Sounds like you over-identify with your sister.
Long-distance counselling isn't pratical by remote control, but you're surely right to seek proper direct in-person counselling as soon as it is practical. You can't quite explain to your husband what you don't understand yourself.
Is there really no way you can make a plan, maybe taking leave, to spend time in a city, maybe with family, where they can help you to arrange to see a counsellor fairly intensely for the duration of that leave ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-05-31

Of course what your sister really needed, and should then ( as now ) have been encouraged to explore, was to become self-sufficient, rather than always needing or relying on someone else to protect her.
I'm puzzled, though, about why, if this OTHER man has proved unfaithful to this OTHER person ( your sister ) you should leap to the conclusion that your own hitherto excellent husband is now to be rejected and somehow punished for what he did not do ? Sounds like you over-identify with your sister.
Long-distance counselling isn't pratical by remote control, but you're surely right to seek proper direct in-person counselling as soon as it is practical. You can't quite explain to your husband what you don't understand yourself.
Is there really no way you can make a plan, maybe taking leave, to spend time in a city, maybe with family, where they can help you to arrange to see a counsellor fairly intensely for the duration of that leave ?

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