Posted by: **** | 2009-01-28

Strip clubs/threesoms - why?

Why is it that men (i' m not sterotyping) like going to strip clubs? Or why do they go? My hubby went to a strip club with his best friend after he promised not to go - I have a problem with it becasue I find it an insult to me... The first issue is obviously the lying and the second issue is that despite the fact that we' ve had many discussions surrounding this and my feelings and thoughts on this he still went. I just feel like it was a slap in the face

I also recently found out that in the past he has had 3 somes. Fair enough it was in the past before we started dating.

I can' t handle the thought of him touching me now, or even sleeping in the same bed as him, because (and i may be totally off cours) i' m feel as if i' m being compared all the time to these strippers he knew that that was one of my issues with him going there...

I' m more hurt than cross but slowly the hurt is waning and the anger is growing...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You ARE stereotyping. MEN don't like going to strip clubs --- SOME men like it very much, some men don't mind it now and then, and some find it unpleasant and distasteful. Sounds like you may have some issues with self-esteem and self-confidence, which you could usefully work on with a personal copunsellor. This is not to say that it's unreasonable for you to be upset about some aspects of this situation, suich as his going behind your back after promising you he would not do so. But counselling could so much help you to handle these situations better.
As for the 3-somes in the past, they don't strongly indicate a likelihood that he'll repeat that in the future, but I suppose it does show an interest for sexual activities outside of the usual.
I understand that this is very hurtful for you. One element thaty may be partly comforting is for you to know that most men not only have no intention of upsetting their spouse by watching porn or strippers, but they don't see it or experience it as in any way a criticism of their spouse. For most of them, your understandable mupset feels like your getting upset on finding him reading al illustrated cookbook or watching the Food channel on TV, and assuming this is a serious criticism of your cooking. They separate the fantasy from the realisty better than women often do. That;s not good or bad, but different.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Lady man | 2009-01-29


For me there are MORE important things than sex, that is way I put it third on my list or will I say last. I will not divorce my wife of 50 years as will I not broke a relationship for the pleasure of 5 minutes with another woman. There are also other important things that can make a relationship work. I only mentioned the three that I whant in a relationship. I am fully for long deep and meaningful relationship.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: **** | 2009-01-29

Lady man, what about respect in a relationship? How can you build a relationship if there is no respect?

Chemistry is important but what happens when you' re 80 and unable to have sex... Would you divorce your wife of say 50 years? Should intimacy not be more important than sex? Becasue you can have amazing sex with a complete stranger but would that be enough to sustain a long lasting deep and meanigful relationship?

Reply to ****
Posted by: Lady man | 2009-01-29

Hi ******

If you read my response you will see that I also do not like being lied to and that TRUST is also a big issue for me. I say again if he is a real man he will say no because strip clubs is a waste of money and time.

Think, if you read my response you will see what I think about trust. Trust comes from within a person and people have to work for it. But you cannot trust someone if you cannot communicate with that person.

For me there are three important things in a relationship. Communication, Trust and Sex, but none of it will work if there is no cemistry.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: Think | 2009-01-29

*****, dont waste ur breath with Lady man, i can see he/she knows nothing about trust...I understand how u feel theres nothing painful like feeing betrayed..Please try relate ur feelings to him and let him know how the whole thing has affected u..

All the best.

Reply to Think
Posted by: ***** | 2009-01-29

I mean an open as in honest relationship in the sense that we are very open with eachother, with regards to communication our relationship has always been based on open (honesty) and that is why this is a big issue for me. I think my post may have been misunderstood because he doesn' t always to go strip clubs, he' s been twice once for a friends bachelors about 9 years ago and now... I' m more upset about the betrayal of my trust. I would not have had a huge issue about him going had he not said to me " I promise we won' t go to a strip club"  the issue here is more about honesty that anything else. I certainly do not blame him for all the troubles in our relationship in fact I know i' m not perfect and I have not mentioned in my posts that he is always to blame but in this instance where the trust has been damaged, he lied to me and therefore his is to blame

Reply to *****
Posted by: Lady man | 2009-01-29

Hi *****

What I want to say was try to look at yourself before you put the balme for the troubles in the relationship on your partner.
If you have a open relationship why do you complain about or is my understanding of a open relationship not correct, then explain it to me. I do not like being lied to at all. Why don' t you talk to him maybe he needs something. Personnaly I do not like strip clubs for me it is a waste of time and money. Why men lie is because woman always have a big issue about things. What is he getting at home and what is he not getting that drives him to visit those clubs. Explain to me the concept of open relationship.

Cindy F. Hi. I agree with you, if he is a real man he will say no.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: Cindy F | 2009-01-29

I think the problem here is his friends and group pressure.

Reply to Cindy F
Posted by: **** | 2009-01-29

Lady man, yes I agree he is to blame, I never held a gun to his head and told him to go to the strip club... Are you justifying lying? He gets exactly what he needs at home, we actually have a very open relationship with good communication, that is why he told me that he had gone to a strip club... And if someone lies albiet man or woman they' re the ones to blame, no one else, it' s a conscious decison that he made! However I do think that when he did it, he did not take my feelings into consideration nor did he realize what impact it would have afterwards. Not all woman moan about everything, I think that I have a right to be upset because my trust was betrayed... Are you insinutating that you have no problem being lied to? My biggest issue is that he was dishonest and in any relationship that is a big issue... I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me because in all the years i' ve know him he hasn' t done anything to disrepect me and visa versa. Part of the reason our country is in a mess is becasue people pass the blame.. If you choose to do something wrong, why look to blame it on someone else and that goes for both sexes

I don' t think it is right or fair that you commented on the problem being me, you do not know me and therefore do not have the right to judge me or my character and it is not appreciated!

Reply to ****
Posted by: Lady man | 2009-01-29

Hi Felicity

Most of the postings here, the woman always blames the man. They never consider that they might be the only problem and the only one to correct the situation the same for us as men. I agree with you communication and respect between partners is the BIG problem in any relationship.
I see it as a problem because it is always the woman who complain about the men in there life not doing this and that, but if the woman will only stop maoning about everthing then most of the problems will be solved. We as men would never understand woman because they do not understand themself.

This is something we can talk about all day, COMMUNICATION.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: felicity | 2009-01-28

Lady Man, why must it always be seen as a problem with the wife. In MY opinion the men who lie and deceive their wives whether it be via porn or strip clubs ets. have their own self esteem issues and need to look outside of the commitment they made to marry to get a thrill. I feel man who is comfortable in his own skin and doesnt need what I consider demeaning to women won' t go there and find the need to look at another women obviously in a sexual manner. The wives need to have self respect and the husbands do not fully respect them if they need to deceive them by doing something obviously which does not make his wife happy. If both husband and wife are OK with something then fine but if one partner is unhappy with porn/strip clubs then don' t be disrespectful and go behind your wifes back and do it. Men need to communicate better in order to get their wives to fulfill their needs but in the same vein husbands need to fulfill their wives needs which often are not of a sexual basis but more of a friendship/companion with the bemefit of having a sexual partner on the side. If communication issues are not a problem I would imagine a healthy sex life follows?

Reply to felicity
Posted by: Lady man | 2009-01-28

Maybe he is not getting anything at home. Did you have a look at yourself, maybe you are the problem.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: kerry | 2009-01-28

why dont you move on? its just not worth it, he lacks respect for you and for what? " to be one of the boys..."  move on and find a decent man who loves and respects you.

Reply to kerry

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