Posted by: Ntebo | 2009-07-06

Stressed by 2 men

I went out with Guy A for 8yrs and have a son with him. however we split after the baby was born. now our son is 5yrs and he lives at his own place. but we are still friends for our son' s sake.

For the past 3 years he has been nagging that we marry but im scared to commit since he is not working, but doing business. and i pay 99% expenses for our son. he is 34 and im 33yrs.

He is ok and has good manners and promises that he wont diappoint me again if we marry. he says I must learn to luv him again. i do not feel anything for him and hence i struggle to commit to him. ideally, he is a nice guy and hands on around the house and in the same religion as me.

Now, last week I met guy B who is working and seems to be sustainable, and we went to his flat and i was impressed. i have for guy B, but the problem is that he is not in the same religion as me. and is not hinting that he will join my religion. he is tsonga and im tswana and he is 32yrs but looks like a responsilble person.

I do not know what to do, but this situation is stressing me and im not sleeping well at night and i struggle to concerntrate at work. what can i do, please advice.

Guy has improved a lot (the problems we has was financial mismanagement and taking too much alchohol) now, i want to tell him about Guy b, but feels sorry that it might hurt him. also, he likes to search my fone and will send sms to my male friends saying they must leave me alone.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Lets see what other readers suggest here, as this isn't a psychiatric question as such. I understand your caution, which is sensible. What advantages does he (A) expect from marrying you ? And what benefits, if any, would there be for you, in marrying him ? He may be a nice guy, but if he doesn't work, he'll ad to your expenses rather than reducing them.
Guy B you only met last week, so you really don't know him at all. The religious and possibly cultural differences could cause problems --- but isn't this very early to be thinking about marrying him ? He may be marvellous, or he may have awful bad habits or nasty secrets you don't know yet

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: ntebo | 2009-07-07

im not gonna give him sex because i dont want another child.

and thanks for the advice, me and guyB will stay as friends until i know him better.

we met last week and he is already looking for sex - this is scary

Reply to ntebo
Posted by: Betty boob | 2009-07-07


1. You don' t love Guy A - therefore a marriage won' t work. Marriage is hard enough as it is and without love it is doomed.

2. You only met Guy B a couple of weeks ago - don' t even think about any serious relationship with him yet. A guy' s kitchen is not representative of the kind of person he is. He might be some serial killer with OCD which explains the clean house... just saying... Rather get to know the guy. Concentrate on you and your son.

Reply to Betty boob
Posted by: Huh | 2009-07-07

I don' t get it. You won' t give sex before maraige because of your religion but you have a child with guy A whom you never married???

Reply to Huh
Posted by: L | 2009-07-07

Jeez Ntebo, you need to take it easy with urself.

Come on girl, dont do this to urself. Why not take a break from both guyz and really think about what u want with ur life. If u go on like this, u gonna get seriously hurt.

Personally from what u said, I dont think both guyz are suitable 4 u.

Guy B has a g/friend and u dont know whether all this story he tells u about him and his girlfriend is true. Dont take things at face value, people can lie u know. Maybe they are going through a rough patch right now with a g/friend and u are just there to lick him the wounds.

The fact that he asked u 2 sleep over and asked 4 sex sounds fishy 4 me. please be careful with urself.

Maybe try to take things easy with Guy B and relate 2 him strictly as a friend, I m sure with time u ll get to know what kind of a person he is.

Guy A is out of question. Tell him its over.

Gud luck

Reply to L
Posted by: ntebo | 2009-07-07

we spoke yesterday with GuyB and he seems like a committed person. he lives in the same complex as mine. and he said that the fact that he will receive sex after marriage as per my religion, is going to be difficult for him.

he seems organised, his flat was clean and he said he does it himself and he likes cooking as well.

he also mentioned that he has a girlfriend and but the relationship is not solid. he always has to beg the girlfriend to come see him and she is not willing to introduce him to her parents. according to him, the relationship is like dead and he was planning to terminate it. he wants to settle down and the girlfriend is not committed. the relationship has been there for a year now.

he asked me to fetch my pijamas and sleep at his flat. however, GuyA called me requesting to sleep over at my place and do laundry since theres no water in their area in JHB. im based in PTA. so i went to my appartment and opened for him and set the washing machine for him. then I told GuyA that im going to a friend and then went back to Guy B' s flat. while there guyA called and he was very angry and said I must at least tell him where I am and with whom, just in case i get injured. he threatened to call my mom and report me.

So, i slept with Guyb on the same bed and he promised that he will be behave. at 6h00 this morning he said now he wants sex and i explained that i will not be able to give that and I left. so he said we will speak later. but i will not sleep over again, cause i dont want to stress him and arouse him in any way

Reply to ntebo
Posted by: Liza | 2009-07-06

There is a reason why you have never married Guy A. To do so now will be a big mistake. And him sending messages from your phone to your contacts telling them to leave you alone?!? This is controlling and potentially abusive behaviour which will get worse with time. So try and stay as far away as possible within the bounds of him seeing your son. You will need to set boundaries to your relationship with him and that relationship must solely be as the mother of his child. He mustn' t be allowed access to your belongings (like your cellphone).

As to Guy B - he might be the best thing since the invention of the wheel, but take things slowly. Don' t even think about anything more serious than girlfriend/boyfriend until you know him better. Perhaps religion will be a break-up issue, perhaps not. You will only find out if you get to know Guy B better.

And whatever you do - don' t go out with a guy just for the sake of ' being with someone' . Sometimes alone-time can help you gain perspective.

Good Luck

Reply to Liza
Posted by: L | 2009-07-06

Please 4 ur sake, get rid of Guy A and stick to Guy B.

U cannot commit to someone u dont love. Love should form the basis in a relationship.

If you really love someone, even though money is important It would really not matter. If u loved Guy A , I would tell him to get his carreer in tact, be4 u marry him. Don' t marry a moneyless guy, that will be a receipe for disaster.

Reply to L

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