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Question
Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2012/04/23

Stressed and no sex, then porn found on his phone

Dear CS
Its been many years since I was on this site. I hope you''re well and all is going strong at HQ.

My bf and I have been together for 3 years. We have moved home in the last few weeks, he''s under extreme work pressure and Ive just started a new job.

My concern is that we''re not intimate anymore, almost as if he has no sex drive. I get that he''s under pressure which he has explained but then this weekend i find porn on his phone. I don''t get unease about the porn but our sex life isn''t existent and when I talk to him he just shuts down.

I''m beginning to feel really insecure, which isn''t me. I do so much for him, he wants for nothing. He is super spoiled by me and I know he is a dedicated boyfriend but I don''t feel like I''m being met half way. I want to be adored again Doc and when we talk he just stays silent. He has only ever been in one other relationship and I''m trying so hard to be an open and communicative girlfriend but I''m starting to question this scenario. We are the best of friends, we are dearly committed but I find the more I want him to swoon after me the more disappointed I am.

Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I remember you, ~Wings~, and your series of flights with us.
We often can't program the major events of our life perfectly. Major changes such as a new job, or crises at work, are stressful and distracting, an ideally one would prefer them to happen separately, and not to both of you at the same time. Its not at all unusual for people to lose sex drive at such times, due to distraction, stress and tiredness. Porn is so acessable now, and much the easiest reminder of real sex. It makes no real demands on the viewer, it's simply there.
And looking at other women in this way, while less than ideal, is no more intended as nor actually any bad reflection on his real-life woman, than an interest in paging through cookbooks and looking at the pictures would reflect on your cooking abilities.
Porn is fastfood, to mark time till real nourishing food is available or practical, rather than an eternal substitute for it.
Talk this over with him, admitting that having found those images you feel more left aside and disappointed, and explore with him ways in which you can, together, improve on this.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2012/04/23

Thanks Doc,
Hopefully he''ll open up instead of shutting down.

Warm regards
~Wings~

Reply to ~Wings~
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/23

I remember you, ~Wings~, and your series of flights with us.
We often can't program the major events of our life perfectly. Major changes such as a new job, or crises at work, are stressful and distracting, an ideally one would prefer them to happen separately, and not to both of you at the same time. Its not at all unusual for people to lose sex drive at such times, due to distraction, stress and tiredness. Porn is so acessable now, and much the easiest reminder of real sex. It makes no real demands on the viewer, it's simply there.
And looking at other women in this way, while less than ideal, is no more intended as nor actually any bad reflection on his real-life woman, than an interest in paging through cookbooks and looking at the pictures would reflect on your cooking abilities.
Porn is fastfood, to mark time till real nourishing food is available or practical, rather than an eternal substitute for it.
Talk this over with him, admitting that having found those images you feel more left aside and disappointed, and explore with him ways in which you can, together, improve on this.

Reply to cybershrink

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