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Question
Posted by: Heart sore | 2010/01/23

Stillbirth

I was induced at 26 weeks on the 2 Jan 2010 and gave birth to a dead baby boy due to a umbilical torsion. Its been 3 weeks since and my sister in law as just announced she is 8 weeks pregnant. I thought I was coping until now. I feel like my world has fallen apart as I just spent Xmas with the in laws and SIL not knowing I was carrying a dead baby. I feel absolutely heartbroken. I understand life goes on but could my hubby' s brother not have announced the pregnancy at 12 weeks and given us more time? My SIL never phoned me to congratulate me when I became pregnant and still not spoken to me to say she is sorry over the loss of my son even though she only probably found out she was preggies this week so that could not have been the reason. My husband and I are both emotional and don' t know how to handle the situation without coming across as jealous but we are still grieving!This is so hard. any advice? Many thanks
Heartsore

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Such a tragedy related to birth is always difficult - commiserations to you. OF course your SIL COULD have announced her pregnancy later, but surely they did not realise that this would be so hurtful to you, and would they ( indeed, would you ) have been sure that 4 more weeks would have made much difference to you ?
It's a shame she did not call you to sympathize, but recognize also that there are other possibilities - hearing about your tragedy and then discovering that she herself was pregnant could have been very worrying for her, and may have aroused fears for the safety of her own pregnancy. This could be a sensitive issue for her, as well as for you.
And remember, as Purple says, in her wise and experienced response, many people feel for you when you are experiencing a tragedy, but say nothing because they really truly don't know what to say. Not realizing that often very simple responses are very comforting, and that nothing complex is required, they often err on the side of silence.
And, having waited, they feel guilty and find it even harder to think of what to say.
Consider seeking a grief counsellor for assistance, and maybe there is a branch of the Compassionate Friends you can reach ( an organization of mutual support for people who have lost a child, at any age ).

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Heartsore | 2010/01/29

Thank you all so much for your positive responses you gave me lots to think about. Hopefully time will heal, thks again.

Reply to Heartsore
Posted by: Mhise | 2010/01/25

I' m sorry about your loss, you know what they say " Time heals almost everything, Give time" .

Maybe your SIL just got too excited which is normal and expected and forgot about your situation. I hope you won' t hold this against her. Although it will difficult, be happy for her and make sure you go for counseling if need be.

Good Luck and Take Care !!!!!!

Reply to Mhise
Posted by: Purple | 2010/01/25

Your sister in law probably just didn' t know what to say to you about your loss, and then time passed and then she found out she was pregnant. It' s quite possible she feels a lot of guilt about not contacting you.

Not everyone phones everyone to congratulate them about pregnancies. Maybe she had been trying for quite a while and hadn' t fallen pregnant and was jealous or upset about it.

I' m only guessing here. Maybe the two of your just aren' t that close and that is why she didn' t make a big fuss about congratulating you and then felt really bad when you lost your baby and didn' t know what to say.

I' ve lost two babies, and personally I found the people who said nothing easier to deal with than those who gave me some sort of garbled religeous message that was actually rather nasty - even though they meant well. Apart from my mom who just held me and let me cry, my aunt was very hellpful, she brought me puzzles to do while I was off work, and then made me some tea and went home. Many of our friends phoned and spoke to my husband and he passed on the messages, many didn' t phone - and that was also fine by me.

Spend your time grieving, that isn' t something you can hurry along. I' m sure your brother and sister in law will understand. If you can' t bring yourself to phone and congratulate her, why not just send a card. Remember they are happy and excited - as you were when you found out, they aren' t trying to make your life difficult by being pregnant now, she' s been pregnant for a while and not known.

I know it doesn' t feel like that raw wound of pain you are feeling now about your loss will ever get better, but you do learn to cope over time. I still think about both my babies on what would have been their birthday' s, but I don' t spend the whole day sobbing on those days as I did on their first and second birthday' s.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/25

Such a tragedy related to birth is always difficult - commiserations to you. OF course your SIL COULD have announced her pregnancy later, but surely they did not realise that this would be so hurtful to you, and would they ( indeed, would you ) have been sure that 4 more weeks would have made much difference to you ?
It's a shame she did not call you to sympathize, but recognize also that there are other possibilities - hearing about your tragedy and then discovering that she herself was pregnant could have been very worrying for her, and may have aroused fears for the safety of her own pregnancy. This could be a sensitive issue for her, as well as for you.
And remember, as Purple says, in her wise and experienced response, many people feel for you when you are experiencing a tragedy, but say nothing because they really truly don't know what to say. Not realizing that often very simple responses are very comforting, and that nothing complex is required, they often err on the side of silence.
And, having waited, they feel guilty and find it even harder to think of what to say.
Consider seeking a grief counsellor for assistance, and maybe there is a branch of the Compassionate Friends you can reach ( an organization of mutual support for people who have lost a child, at any age ).

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Liza | 2010/01/24

This is definitely a period of grief for both you and your husband. If your sister-in-law doesn' t understand and you feel that she is flaunting her pregnancy - just cut close contact until you feel that you can handle the situation. Some counseling would also be very important to help you with your grief. Also understand that even though you are grieving, she is celebrating and your suffering shouldn' t minimize her celebration. The same goes for her - even though she is celebrating, and you' re grieving, her celebration shouldn' t minimize your grief.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza

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